Late diagnosis

Hi Hergé, 

I received my 'official' aka clinical diagnosis for being on the spectrum last June, just a few weeks short of my 50th birthday. In short, did it change my life or who I was? The one thing that finally came to rest was feeling mentally torn - between strongly believing that I was on the spectrum (I been 'passing' the AQ-10 and ASQ with whopping results for over 10 years) and having proof to the world - including myself - that I wasn't mentally crazy, seeking attention, making it all up or wasn't putting enough effort in just pulling myself together like 'every other person'. There was closure. And that was practically all that those 4 hours of assessment did.

The world around me didn't change. People did not suddenly take a difference approach on me. The damage of not having a formal diagnosis had already been done, as the symptoms of crashing out of the job world had already started about 19 years ago and the last straw for me came in 2018. PIP assessors cannot put themselves in my shoes to understand that Autistic shutdowns and meltdowns are as physically incapacitating as Multiple Sclerosis. You are able enough to live but disabled enough not to have a life.

Maybe there was one thing that did change for me. And that was to say sayonara to Autistic masking. Having a diagnosis empowered me to say 'I have Autism. I am not making this all up. I finally have proof. And if you disagree, then you're wrong and discriminating me, and I am right.' I am however able to do so because I have few people left in my life whose toes I could step on, so those who are left accept me faults and all. Those are also the people who could see that I was on the spectrum, irrespective of whether a guy from the NHS had typed that into my medical file or not.

Maybe what you are describing as fatigue is what can come with the realisation of being on the spectrum - the question of 'so what comes next?'  My 2 cents are, for those who accept you for who you are, they have already figured, and nothing will change. For those who you have been masking all the time it's an entirely different story. Will your unfiltered autistic traits and behaviours be tolerated? Can they only accept you if you keep that mask on and argue 'it's been working for so long (don't you sometimes wish to punch them in the face just for uttering that rude throwaway line) why is it changing now of a sudden?' 

I think you will benefit from a session of counselling that helps you explore all the events and circumstances that have shaped the you that you are. To me, my Autism has impacted me in a way that I allowed the world - and others - to shape me rather than that I shaped myself, because - and this is brutally honest - the world didn't like me (and from all people on the spectrum that I have met in my life) or Autistic people in general for who we are.     

Hi Hergé, 

I received my 'official' aka clinical diagnosis for being on the spectrum last June, just a few weeks short of my 50th birthday. In short, did it change my life or who I was? The one thing that finally came to rest was feeling mentally torn - between strongly believing that I was on the spectrum (I been 'passing' the AQ-10 and ASQ with whopping results for over 10 years) and having proof to the world - including myself - that I wasn't mentally crazy, seeking attention, making it all up or wasn't putting enough effort in just pulling myself together like 'every other person'. There was closure. And that was practically all that those 4 hours of assessment did.

The world around me didn't change. People did not suddenly take a difference approach on me. The damage of not having a formal diagnosis had already been done, as the symptoms of crashing out of the job world had already started about 19 years ago and the last straw for me came in 2018. PIP assessors cannot put themselves in my shoes to understand that Autistic shutdowns and meltdowns are as physically incapacitating as Multiple Sclerosis. You are able enough to live but disabled enough not to have a life.

Maybe there was one thing that did change for me. And that was to say sayonara to Autistic masking. Having a diagnosis empowered me to say 'I have Autism. I am not making this all up. I finally have proof. And if you disagree, then you're wrong and discriminating me, and I am right.' I am however able to do so because I have few people left in my life whose toes I could step on, so those who are left accept me faults and all. Those are also the people who could see that I was on the spectrum, irrespective of whether a guy from the NHS had typed that into my medical file or not.

Maybe what you are describing as fatigue is what can come with the realisation of being on the spectrum - the question of 'so what comes next?'  My 2 cents are, for those who accept you for who you are, they have already figured, and nothing will change. For those who you have been masking all the time it's an entirely different story. Will your unfiltered autistic traits and behaviours be tolerated? Can they only accept you if you keep that mask on and argue 'it's been working for so long (don't you sometimes wish to punch them in the face just for uttering that rude throwaway line) why is it changing now of a sudden?' 

I think you will benefit from a session of counselling that helps you explore all the events and circumstances that have shaped the you that you are. To me, my Autism has impacted me in a way that I allowed the world - and others - to shape me rather than that I shaped myself, because - and this is brutally honest - the world didn't like me (and from all people on the spectrum that I have met in my life) or Autistic people in general for who we are.     

Hi, I had several counselling sessions last year, initially it started as an exploration of my low mood and my other difficulties. After a couple of sessions it became about the elephant in the room and a huge rambling examination of what my autism is to me.

I think that I managed fairly well up until the floor fell out about 8 years ago, this I think was some form of burn out, I've never really gone back to "normal".

Every day is a challenge but I just hang in there. 

I keep thinking that I could do so much more if only I can clear my head permanently, I have flashes of clarity which makes it worse as I know it's there.(If that makes sense)

Other than my wife and kids I don't have anyone which is difficult to admit as I have parents and 2 sisters.

Occasionally the mask slips and I just go "dark' and quiet which work colleagues find disconcerting.

Receiving your official diagnosis after such a long period of uncertainty must have brought relief. It's powerful to hear how this acknowledgment allowed you to drop the exhausting mask of autism you had been wearing. Embracing your true self without the fear of judgment or the need to conform is a significant step forward. self-acceptance and authenticity are important.