Published on 12, July, 2020
Bored and lonely. That's how I feel at the moment.
I wish I could not feel anxiety and depression the way I have for a long time. How hard it is to find the strength to go to a social group, class or just talk to people generally when I feel this way.
The brain fog, going blank when near people, panicking. I feel lonely at home too, my mother goes out so much and has a busy life.
I was reading quite a lot for a while, for some reason the past two or three days I just feel like sleeping a lot and feel melancholy.
It sounds like the reality of life is kicking in now that the alcohol is no longer dulling everything. Well done for giving it up, a huge achievement that you should be proud of.
One approach you could try would be to set up a regular savings account and put in all the money you used to spend on alcohol each month. That can be your 'me' fund to do whatever you want to do. I find that having something booked to look forward to can be an enormous boost to mental health.
When I find myself experiencing a similar outlook - oh, yes, it does happen! - I try to deploy things like these strategies below (small steps, which might help to bump-start my inertia). I enjoy being resourceful ...but my mantra is "for free, or nearly free" - because then I am more likely to enjoy re-using such a strategy ...with less self-guilt about my potential perception of indulgence - less budget committed to a task usually means greater the enjoyment for me:
a) I can't face reading a book? ...I search online for a few free podcasts - as a prompt to think about something different and to hear people talking about that topic (either a stimulating topic which might give my stalled brain a wake up call during daytime, or something with a topic of less demanding listening which I might find helps me get back to sleep during a disturbed night),
b) I would like to join a group but would rather not / don't quite have sufficient energy or resilience to navigage "all that"? ...I find a couple of short (free) online courses e.g. a) the "Recovery College" network offer lots of course in different counties on topics which might be relevant to Autistic people - often including about anxiety and depression etc. b) OU OpenLearn https://www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses/full-catalogue , or c) a local Library might be holding a session sometime soon of my interest, Sometimes I find such courses can be a lower-stress way of establishing at least a transient sense of community and like-minded points of interest / swap relevent resource links / ideas of things to track down in your local library / a fellow student might signpost a relevant TV / Radio programme / Museum / online conference you had not heard about before..
c) If I sought / thought about / listened to my own feedback enough to step past alexithymia ...and then determed; "probably lonely?" (but not really with enough energy for complex travelling and full-on "socialising")? ...if possible, at least once a week, I try to pick a local errand to tackle outside of home, somewhere (ideally) not likely to be too busy with people, and I try to pay attention to what people say to me while I am there (e.g. people working in a shop, library, park or museum) and just aim to keep my part of the conversation short - but with some content which makes it clear I did hear and think about what they said to me or did for me which I appreciated. I try hard to remember to then pause, just a tiny moment more, (in case the person might also be glad of having heard my reply and actually want to say one more sentence to me).
d) Not confident I have done enough about maintaining my (small) circle of contacts recently? ...at least once a week: I try to text / email / telephone a relative / friend outside of my household. (Or if I don't feel I have much fresh to write / talk about that week - instead I pick an admin errand such as email a company whose product / service I use to clarify something I had been meaning to find out or organise).
Bonuses: if any of the above combination of tactics worked out OK for me in a given week - hopefully, I might also feel:
1) a bit more energised by having a bit more to talk about with people I know,
2) less stuck in a rut,
3) each strategy might have the outcome of having widened my sphere of interest / information / broadened my horizon.
(Last week; I had a particularly tough week, and the next week will have some rough bits which I already know about - ...in writing this reply it has reminded me of some of the sensible activities / tasks I ought to just schedule into my calender for the coming week - to wrap around the rough bits - and to self-propel my moving forwards. So, thank you for starting this discussion thread - that is said with a "thank you smile").
I appreciate that, thank you. I managed something quite good yesterday, I was feeling utterly miserable and I didn't really want to go into the same room as my dad who was watching TV, he gets on my nerves sometimes because he can be so chatty and loud, well I went in anyway after I'd cooked my tea and I felt a bit better speaking to him for a few minutes. It felt food to realise and know I have some power over making myself happier and things aren't always as bleak as they seem.
Much better, thank you. I haven't drank for 5 weeks and plan to never again, though I won't deny I sometimes am tempted. Being able to afford better food, a holiday, new clothes is such an improvement over how things were when I budged everything around alcohol.
I'm considering trying some groups, I'm feeling ambivalence about it. I keep saying to myself, maybe first of all I should eat a bit healthier to make sure I'm less depressed and give a better first impression when I meet people.
Cheers!
Autism can be such a lonely and isolating thing. I'm sorry you're feeling this way at the moment. You're not alone though, I think this is something many of us can relate to.
Sending hugs your way. I hope you feel brighter today.
How you doing with the alcohol these days?
I think many of us feel some form of disconnect, it can be quite isolating. Support is out there, start with your GP or search for local groups.
If you have an interest you could explore it further and try to find others with similar views.
Not sure I can help Roswell but I can offer you empathy and solidarity. You are far from alone in feeling this way.