For those who are not proud/happy to be autistic...

Amerantin said:

condition.

Brain.

They may just be uncomfortable or unsure about prying into some else’s condition.

My awareness and emotion towards "me" has changed over the years.

Young days I didn't notice much difference, I was top of the class and thought I was lucky in early days of primary school. As time went on, difference became noticeable, like the fact I  didn't like football like 99 percent of boys in the 80s, so was on the edges at break times, slowly realising I didn't quite fit.

Highschool came and I was crushed by social interactions, so much so I messed up what could have been great results.

Early work years I was angry, I was right and everyone else wrong. Eventually I realised that was unlikely, one right person and a few billion wrong? Maybe it was me ..

Since then I've slowly understood my difference, masked it (very well at times) , found it to be a burden and a gift in equal amounts. 

Im starting to accept who I am now, at times I "like me" other times "loathe". I've achieved many things and can't complain about the life I have built for me and my wife and kids,  but I'm aware that I've had to try so much harder than others it's hurt more than it ever should. 

Finding this website has helped a lot, it's great to not feel alone in my autism, many things I read make me feel sad, others hopeful, it's a nice place to visit and take time out among some great people sharing the same experiences.

People's lack of curiosity is soul-crushing. 

Yes I understand that, usually many members of our community only know what it’s like to be autistic in crisis unfortunately.

Fair point, but there are aspects of my autistic brain that are unrelated to the reactions of other people and which I wish I didn't have to endure: rumination, belated regret, extreme anxiety, constant self-loathing (actually, that last one may be related to other people and trauma).

Cosmo said:

You know, now that I think about what you said, maybe it's just that we need kinder better people around us and our negative experiences with allistics are not because of autism/differences but just that they are mean people

Yes exactly! I am glad you understand.

You know, now that I think about what you said, maybe it's just that we need kinder better people around us and our negative experiences with allistics are not because of autism/differences but just that they are mean people. I guess it's just that because we are scarred we might tend to see everyone the same way. 

This! “Just smile and everything will be fine” or “why you are so moody/angry” when I’m not. I’m just concentrated on what’s going on in the group. I feel like NTs communicate more with their expression and gestures than words, but there I’m lost. So maybe that’s why for them we look angry/moody/unapproachable idk what else… 

'Passionately ambivalent' is interesting. Also so nice we have the internet so we can know we're not alone, I feel very fortunate because of this. 

Neil said:

I wish people would stop assuming I'm rude. I wish people would stop telling me that I should smile more. I wish people would stop looking for hidden meanings where there are none.

Surely, the points you make are more about how other people treat you and make assumptions about you as opposed to being autistic?

Cosmo, you speak for me here. I'm passionately ambivalent about being autistic(!) I wish I could make friends more easily. I wish I liked socialising. I wish people would stop assuming I'm rude. I wish people would stop telling me that I should smile more. I wish people would stop looking for hidden meanings where there are none.

Well I was just using NT the way I always see get used but I know you're right and allistic is accurate. 

Cosmo said:

neurotypicals

I think you mean allistics.

Unless you are certain that the people you are mentioning don't come under this umbrella:

Something else that annoys me is how it seems that neurotypicals like to see behind things and find hidden meanings and they interpret me in ways that keeps confusing me. I was just thinking, this is something negative for autistics, but isn't it also bad for NTs? I know NTs have different brains and sometimes it's a matter of accepting the difference but this thing they do, I don't see it helpful even for them. 

I too don't understand how some are so 'confusingly dismissive' as I like to put it.

Also, I'm lucky since I don't have many sensory issues, what you are experiencing though seems so intense, hope you find something that works better for you.

Things about autism I like...the first thing is being able to focus for a long time I think, my college projects can be so time consuming too but I can focus on them for hours and I guess that's an advantage for me, but of course the downside is that once I'm resting, it's hard to stop resting. 

That is one of the best things I've ever done then. : )  Thanks for sharing! It's healing to see we're not alone. 

Cosmo, Reading this really reasonated and brought tears to me eyes as you are exactly describing how I feel

i totally understand what you mean! there is things i love about being autistic, but some things i wish i didn't struggle with.

sound and volume is definitely what i struggle with the most. not even headphones or earbuds like loops or calmer have helped me 100%. some days, it's more manageable -  but other days, i will need to isolate from everybody. it's a very lonely thing to experience - and i don't wish on anybody.

kind of a tangent - but i also just don't like how i'm treated by others, in general. the apathy is crazy! it's a horrible feeling trying to explain to someone your lived experience, but they just don't care enough to understand, or accept you being autistic. i don't think i'll ever be able to understand how they can do that.

I struggled for a few years / decades with "victim mentality" to the extent that when I was 18 I joined the Army to "get myself cured" of it!

Now given that I was undiagnosed, I had no clue why I was a regular victim of assaults robberies etc, I just knew I'd HAD ENOUGH and was going to learn to not be a victim.

Naturally enough, being Autistic and throwing myself into teh most "Normalised" environment known to man, the military, I did not do well.In fact it was only the delusion that I held that I was teh equal of any of those other twats that allowed me to prevali though basic and trade training... 

It taught me that the key to not being a victim is to keep your head up, keep your situational awareness high, and be prepared to push back OR run away as the situation requires, but definitely don't go down without at least biting off a piece of your opponent.

Being determiend NOT to be a victim, pays big dividends and surprisingly enough leads to less (but more viscious on your part) fighting. I will confess it's one of the areas where I really struggle to be a good & faithful Christian. 

I'm as happy to be autistic as I am not. "Pride" I don't really seem to feel much at all whether it's in my accomplishments or innate qualities, although I will admit to being very pleased with some of my own qualities, particularly those related to making survival decisions independent of external co-ercion..