I Don't Think Neurotypicals Understand What We Autistics Mean By Accommodate to Us Who Are Autistic

I have the same issue.

Yes as we go through life, we learn. We didn't have access to such wealth of information when we were younger either to make sense of things. Once I changed my expectations of people, life became easier. This isn't to say to be walked over - one can still have boundaries. But if we expect and judge others based on ourselves we will most often be disappointed. Once I became aware most people communicate differently and how, I've been able to adjust myself to them. This has led to more calmness.

Those who mind don't matter. Those who matter don't mind.

HMO said:

It's on me to explain it well, and that has never been my strength

Just wanted to say you're not alone with this. Whenever I try to explain autism and how it affects my life I completely end up screwing it up and then I end up silent where my brains desperately trying to figure out a smooth recovery...

Deleted User said:

I can’t expect the entire world to fundamentally change itself to suit me, which makes me a little sad but it’s also realistic.

I do agree with that, I don't expect the entire world to accommodate to me but I do expect those who at least care about me to accommodate to me. My own family disowned me cause they didn't want to "deal with me", and before that gripped about how no therapist could tell them how to and it's like "You never asked and when you went in you always complained about me and got my therapist on your side as if I am the problem." I just don't get it... I didn't ask to be Autistic and I'm not asking for much. My mother always did this thing where she would ask me to go to one store with her and I'd prepare myself for how long that would take and then when we're almost there, she would add that we would need to go to all these other places and she knew it bothered me and she'd still do it. Nice to show she cared.

I agree. Had you spoken to me when I was 20 years old (and didn’t know I was autistic) you would have probably found me very resentful about how people in general treated me.

Time has taught me that I can’t expect the entire world to fundamentally change itself to suit me, which makes me a little sad but it’s also realistic. But I’ve also realised - particularly since diagnosis - that the people who actually matter in our lives generally will try to understand. If they don’t, they probably shouldn’t be people who matter in our lives.

I don't resent people. And I do understand other's point of view but it feels like whenever I ask for the littlest things that shouldn't be that difficult, it gets made over complicated and I get made this villain that I'm not and it's just getting old.

I feel the same way, I just don't understand a good majority of the world around me and I do wish we would stop being treated like a disorder and more of we just are different because it's who we are. It does have to do with the wording a lot and I think that happens with a lot (not all) NT people, they hear these words like "meltdown" or other terms that are very negative so it puts a lot of negativity on us who are Autistic. Like me being Autistic changes the fact that I'm a very empathetic person who tries to be kind, helpful, understanding and nonjudgmental but because I'm Autistic none of that means anything and it's like so I am different than others when it comes to my brain, I can't help that but why does it negate all the good things I do because I'm different and just want these boundaries respected? I just don't get it...

I understand a lifetime of difficulties can lead to frustration and resentment but as humans we have to meet each other somewhere in the middle. ie understand a bit where the other is coming from, which might be completely different to ourselves. Regardless of our brain wiring.  In essence, I agree with you.

I think self-reflection can help sometimes. Being straightforward is not a bad thing, but I know I could have been more compassionate at times; it's not good if the other person is being made to feel like they can't do anything right.

Yeah I get that maybe I come across accusatory or abrasive, more just frustrated cause I've put up with this my whole life and it's like, how much clearer can I be to people sometimes, you know?

Neurotypicals not knowing isn't my issue. I'd have more of an issue if, after having explained as thoroughly as I possibly can (without being accusatory or abrasive), there's been no progress.

It's on me to explain it well, and that has never been my strength. I'm better at it now I know I have the option to send an email or something.

I get your frustration and anger and I wasn't trying to dismiss it, there are a lot of people who are LGBTQI for example who are prejudiced against ND's, I think they're often prejudiced against other groups too, but that dosen't make it easier when they're commiting their ignorance to your face.

I wonder if it's because ND is still seen as a disorder and a health problem rather than a different way of being? We don't need fixing, we need some adaptations, we don't need medicating for being ND although we may need medicating for some of the side effects of living in a NT world. I heard something terrible the other day from a head teacher being interviewed on Newsnight about the rise of ND pupils, she spoke of them 'disregulating and needing to do to a quiet space to regulate their behaviour'. I found that word incredibly insulting, like ND's are a faulty boiler that needs a new thermostat and timer! Who comes up with this sort of language? How would they feel if it was used about them?

There are so many things I don't understand about the NT world, I often just blunder on regardless, if I upset people I usually appologise for the upset but not for what I've said or done. I'm lucky I have a small group of NT friends who by and large take the time to answer my questions, especially when I've made one of my massive both feet in mouth faux pas. There was a prpgram on telly a couple of months ago about an army prison and how they make you go for 20 mile runs and all sorts of other weird crazy stuff before throwing you out. I asked my friends most of whom have partners who are ex military, why the prisoners do as they're told and don't just tell them to go an do one? They did try and explain, but in the end none of us understood, but then I'm a rebel with many causes.

It may not be all but it's a good majority.

enflores3000 said:

How is stuff like this hard for neurotypicals to conform to just so I can function?

It sounds like you are directing a lot of blame at almost everyone else for not changing themselves to accommodate you. That’s just not a winning strategy.

I don't believe all NTs are the same and some understand to an extent but it's not just people who are racist or misogynistic or anti-LGBTQ+ who do this, NT BIPOC, women, and LGBTQ+ do this as well and it's like for minority groups who want accommodated to and accepted they (again not all) can't do that for Autistic people? How is what they (again not all) doing not just as discriminatory as the rest?

Enflores, I think you and I have fallen victim to some of the same thing, mostly calling out the games NT people play without realising they play them. I've been in situations where I've felt I've been asigned a role in a story I didn't know about and then blamed for not sticking to my part. I've had people try and exclude me from social groups for various reasons. I think for NT's the worst crime you can commit is naming the game, I really don't think they know they're playing a game most of the time, their just following an internal script that we wern't born with. I often feel like I arrivd on this planet without the manual for being a woman in the late 20th, early 21stC. Obviously some NT's do know they're playing games and will manipulate the fears of others to rope them in too, we ND's become a handy scapegoat. Lots of people use scapegoating to try and prop up their social standing their sense of self, a false sense of security and OKness, they gang up and load then scapegoat up with all the "sins" and then cast it out. Oddly enough they pretty soon want it back when they realise all the problems are still there.

However I don't think all NT's are the same, many are understanding and try to live alongside ND's and build proper friendships and communities. If we're all open and honest I think NT's often come to value having their assumptions challenged.

I wonder if the NT's that don't want to accomodate us are the ones who don't want to accomadate anyone, those who go on about wokery at the National Trust because they don't use butter in their scones, who don't want to change the language they use about black people, women and LGBTQI people, who don't want to stop driving gas guzzling cars and are climate change deniers? I don't know what you do about those people, maybe laugh at them and patronise them back?