Published on 12, July, 2020
Someone asked for my opinion on something they had made and I said I have no feelings towards it, they said that I'm being upsetting and my mom said that I should lie from time to time and stop being honest.
I'm just really confused; why would you ask something but not want the truth and only expect a socially acceptable answer that you already know what would be? Is this a fun game of lies for them that I'm not getting? Or them asking for my opinion is actually: 'Tell me something good and make me feel better about myself' in a hidden way? Personally, I don't get much out of compliments; if I'm not feeling good about something, people's opinions can never change that, sure I think it's nice of them to share their thoughts on something they like about me, but now that I've learnt that people think compliments can be lies, that also doesn't make any sense anymore, does it?
Cosmo said:Someone asked for my opinion on something they had made and I said I have no feelings towards it, they said that I'm being upsetting
Caelus has it when he points out that an opinion was requested but you responded with your feelings (or lack thereof) about it - not what was asked for. This is probably why the requester was upset.
The most effective reply if you don't have an opinion is to say something like "I don't really know enough about it to offer a useful opinion"
Cosmo said:I'm just really confused; why would you ask something but not want the truth and only expect a socially acceptable answer that you already know what would be?
This is because people often ask for opinions when they are actually asking for support - it takes a lot of practice to identify when this is the case.
If you have even a suspicion that this is the case then it is worth asking for more info from the person about the situation and if you hear them asking for stuff like "people shouldn't do this, should they?" or "this isn't normal, is it?" where they are asking for validation, then you know they are really just looking for support for their viewpoint.
These sort of social interactions are a common problem area for us but if you listen for the subtle signs then you soon can work out how to respond.
It would be nice if it was more clear cut, but this sort of interaction works for the 90% of people who are neurotypical so it is a useful skill to learn for us.
I spotted this too, took me a while to learn to recognise when someone just wants reassurance rather than my opinion. Anyone who knows me well will also be careful when actually asking for my opinion as it might be brutally honest.
I'm almost 50 now and after realising around age 12 that I was different somehow, then a long time after that figuring out why, eventually getting diagnosed only recently. In all that time I worked out how to exist in a world with NTs but not necessarily "understand" them. Aside their weird behaviour there's a lot to like too, if you find the right ones.
Still struggling along, some days tougher than others, but hey, "nothing good comes easy"
But what good would reassurance do if it's a lie and they know it too? It's like they say: please lie to me... like why? what's the good in that?
It's great that we all agree on this, it makes me feel less unsure of my views.
Weird that our logic makes perfect sense and shows up NT thinking as being flawed, but society would never see it that way I guess, madness really!
Right? It's nice to hear someone sees the same thing as me. Thank you for the reply!
I’m with you on this and it is one of reasons why talking to neurotypical people can be so exhausting- you never know if what they said is what they actually meant or whether they are implying something else or conforming to some illogical rule of not being honest out of politeness etc. That then means that I can’t take anything they say at face value and have to second guess and overthink everything afterward to try and figure out the true meaning. I prefer someone to be honest at all times even if sometimes it is not easy to hear the truth. If I know someone will always be honest I trust them so much more and it actually feels good when they say positive things because I know they mean it. No idea why neurotypicals think talking in riddles is the way to go
Yeah makes sense, and I'm too logical too I guess.
I just think people should give zero f**ks about my opinion when it comes to things like their appearance or stuff like their art and such, and I'm saying that out of love. Like, just be and do whatever feels good, I don't matter here.