Severe Burnout, Newly Self-Diagnosed, FIRST time talking, extremely ANGRY at the FAILURE of the medical community, All suggestions much appreciated.

You May enjoy the works of Jack Spicer.

Hi again Kefka, thank you for your kind words. I originally came to this forum 7 or 8 years ago when I realised I was neurodiverse. I pop back from time to time to see how people are doing, pick up new information, and try to support others.

It may interest you to know that although I'm in my 20s in my head, chronologically I'm actually in my sixties. I think for me it's easier now to be comfortable with who I am, as I've had several years to adjust and learn and I don't care any more whether people like me or not - if they do, great, if not, I probably wouldn't enjoy being with them anyway. I no longer have toxic family relationships as I no longer see the remaining members of my family - I can just enjoy being with my partner. And in the last few years I've finally made a few friends (people I work with who are compassionate and caring) I still struggle sometimes and can get a bit depressed, but that's part of the human condition. 

I've just finished reading the Middle Falls time travel series by Shawn Inmon, and in his books one of the characters says "we're not always born into our true family". Some of us spend years looking for our "true" family. I think I've been lucky.

I'll PM you when I figure that out. I'm very happy you've found yourself and that which fills your sails! And thank you for your kind words. I will cherish those as well. Let's continue in PM.

It hasn't changed and honestly AuTriker, I had good professors. One, a former psychiatrist who taught us everything from BPD to BiPD never once mentioned Autism.

I honestly didn't even think about this, not in my masking from 18-40 or in class. TBH - I - never even thought of Autism when I was in the classes and I'm Autistic. I had to diagnose myself then go to my psychiatrist of 6 years and psychologist who knew me since I was 13(40) at 37 and confront them with this to which I was told "I suspected you are BUT there is no "cure".

The fact that they view us like a disease means we have to change this system. We invent, they provide. Neither we or they can exist without the other yet we are viewed as a "disorder."

Both types are needed and neither are a disorder in and of themselves.

You clearly have understood yourself longer than I have, hence your experience far outmatches mine. I am fluent in psychology but NOT in experience as you were one of the two first people to respond to me when I was literally breaking down and probably sounded nutty a month ago.

I have been working hard to accept who I am and now I am seeing a therapist on April 18th who understands Autism so I am excited to finally start getting validation and understanding of who I am after what I can only describe as a living hell that continues to this day with family.

I don't have the energy to read more books right now(I know YOU understand this) I am still technically in full survival mode trying to bring the dead 16 year old me back and it's quite jarring to deal with in the midst of a 67 year old mother who acts like a child, a brother that abandoned his family and a alcoholic abuse drunk father who abandoned his two children 16 years ago but both of us came back to help him while he was dying of cancer last year.

I honestly don't where to begin because I still feel like I'm running in circles. This place and you have been the first that I've ever felt sane in. Everything in my like was hurting myself not to hurt others while masking to be like them.

I do hope I can recover enough to begin reading books again, specifically on Autism as you pointed out correctly, even to this day, nothing about Autism is taught in psychology class.

What I find truly disturbing is that in psychology the Holocaust is discussed. Now think about this Autriker. 6 million Jewish people died, 5 million Autistic, Gay, Gypsy and other unfortunate souls.

The world population is nearly 8 billion. By psychiatric standards (which I find dubious at best) between 3-7% of the population is Autistic. That means there is roughly 30 million more people than were in concentration camps that are Autistic and dying at the ripe young age of 58 with the #1 cause being suicide and as you rightly pointed out, it's not only NOT taught, it's not even acknowledged and it's part of every ethnicity, religion and gender on this planet.

A 2022 study by the  Australian government showed that the average lifespan of Autistic people is 58 vs 83 for the average neurotypical in the Western world. They stated that life for Autistic people is subhuman and discovered the #1 cause of death is suicide.

As someone who has died more times than I can truly remember, I know this to be true and it makes me so sad because Autistic people were some of my closest friends before I fell into despair masking as an NT and gave up on humanity.

Now I want to fight for myself and all of us, I just don't know where to begin.

I'm a brain, a drained brain, but a brain. I don't have the energy right now as I try to reorient myself and recalculate my bearings yet I want to fight.

I just want to say personally, it was very nice of you to have responded so kindly to me along with Desmond and I Sperg. You 3 are the reason I felt like I found a home and why I stayed here.

I have knowledge and understanding but lack experience in who I am and what to do.

I know we can have good conversations and while I understand psychology, I admit I still do not fully understand myself or Autism.

I hope you continue to offer me advice but I know you only have X amount of energy so if it's needed for even newer people, I'll find a way and I have already made multiple friends here in this very thread(Uhane, PixieFox.)

You come off as one of the leaders of this community and that's a valuable role so I don't want to take that energy from you however if you have extra at any time, I think I would benefit from your wisdom. Thanks my friend.

Kefka said:

as someone who has gone to school for psychology

But not finding out about autism there is not your failure but theirs! I was watching a youtube video (Yo Samdy Sam interviewing an autistic therapist who wrote a book called "The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy") and they have both studied psychology and were saying autism was barely mentioned at all.

I would hope this has changed/is changing, but we all know how slow these things can be to happen. I think I might buy that book, it sounds interesting.

Desmond, I am feeling philosophical. I apologize for taking 28 days to respond, it's burnout and shutdown.

I want your understanding of why you think philosophy is not part of spirituality when philosophy gave birth to science and is the 0 to religions and sciences -1 and +1 (and depending on who you talk to, they are interchangeable.)

Philosophers both reject and embrace religion. I reject religion but accept at this time, spirituality. Religion is organized chaos with no meaning IMHO. I was raised catholic and challenged the priests at 8 years old with the Book of Job.  God made a deal with Satan to kill all of Job's children, his wife. slaves, cattle.

An Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient being would not be capable of such a wager knowing the suffering it would cause for PRIDE. That is one of the seven deadly sins yet in the book of Job it is a sin of the God of the OT.

In the Book of Job, God does not restore the souls or bodies of Job's wife, children or slaves. He REPLACES them. I was 8 years old when I questioned this. I still haven't received an answer. Not from a priest, scholar or philosopher.

I want an answer because I do believe Jesus Christ understood something few ever have. Like Buddha I greatly respect both men.

I think people misunderstood both highly enlightened men. Jesus stated in Luke that "the kingdom of God is within us."

Now there have been many translations of language from Greek to Latin to the romance languages. If one reads the Book of John, it is clearly different from Matthew, Mark and Luke in that Jesus chose John to live out to the end of his days and the book clearly reflects this as John (I apologize, I'm dealing with my 67 yo adult mother who wants to dye her hair pink at 1am while acting like she's 20, I'll get back to you as this conversation really is something I'd like to delve deeper into however I had no children on purpose apparently she thinks she should and could while making them her parents.)

Uhane my name is Beau pronounce B-o and I think this thread will stay alive because of you Pixiefox and others that eventually want to be part of a community in a world that doesn't understand us all, never will, yet needs us to excel.

I will pm you, please give me time, I am very drained but I am trying because you guys are worth it. I've only accepted who I am recently and as someone who has gone to school for psychology, it's twice the mind F if you know what I mean.

I am so screwed up emotionally, not mentally, not intellectually, suiciddely it cost me physically. It's serendipitous to me, I read your profile your in your 60s. I turned 41 today and I suspect Pixiefox is in her 20s. 3 generations all come together in one thread in synchronicity. I define that as the definition of beauty.

I think there is a purpose for all of us and more, I think the world needs us more than we need them and that our time has come no matter how scared we are.

I am SO THANKFUL for you Uhane because I have never had anyone in my life, through all the fighting, confrontations and strife, yet here I am talking to two unknown friends, that somehow intuition tells me in the end, will be in my life through love and strife, my sisters in love who understand life!

I only know you both through a few conversations, yet from my heart I've supplemented foundations, through both of you the Autistic world is inspiring, I never imaged I'd be inspiring others while being inspired to fight, for our way of life while the world is set on firing guns of war in endless strife, thank you Uhane for giving me life. . .

I had no comprehension of who I was, yet wisdom from you is a light from above. You gave me hope as you said I gave you, a joy to be heard, I hope the light shines through, to you, from above, that you understand, your a gift to humanity, your inspiring to create a brand new community ;-)

Thank YOU!! Please don't think I don't want to respond, I am so burned out and trying to figure out who I am and I really do appreciate you and just like you inspired me I am inspired too. You, me and PixieFox all working through life, 3 generations in love, life and strife!

Thank you both. You two are the first kind humans I have connected with in 7 years. I walked away from society. Both of you have made me want to retry reality one more time normally I rhyme but not to this extent, this was extra effort to show you my friends, that I care and both of you have impacted me, in onlny one post each in this reality.  :-)

Hi Pixiefox. I think Uhane knows far more than I by a long shot. I never tried to write except out of compulsion with emotion and understanding. That poem came out in 20 minutes, after not writing for 22 years on a Sunday morning with no intention of writing.

As I was about 3-4 months into accepting who I am and finally returning to my roots, there is so much emotion and philosophy within me that for lack of a better term, I binge write my emotions.

I say Uhane knows far more because I'm pretty sure poems don't need to rhyme in word form, as you pointed out in your lovely poem, it's the math behind language that humans relate to in synchronicity. 

I was born with musical connotative understanding. At 5 playing church hymns by ear on my Aunt's organ. I only write based off understanding music, syllables and math.  This is probably coming out wrong, I don't write robotically, everything just tends to more often than not come out in synchronicity. 

I had to look up Hyperlexia after reading your poem(thanks for expanding my lexicon.) I think people like us and Uhane have innate abilities to be creative through neurodiversity, understanding of mathematics and human psychology.

As a newly acquainted adult Autistic I barely comprehend all the information I am trying to understand and comprehend about who I am. I naturally write in Haiku's most of the time(not realizing this until I looked that up from you too,) I only recently noticed syllabic forms of writing and rhymes. I used to correct my words incessantly because there was no rhyme and it felt off to me.

Your poem carries weight, meaning and truth. I only learned today what I failed to in my youth. I was missing part of my understanding of language, I ignored neurotically, advice without understanding its use.

Rhyme's, syllables and lines seem to all have a connection to 3. I barely understand this as I've only started to understand the complexity by focusing on my writing and how even to me it appears bizarre how often words rhyme reason to reality.

I think it's natural for (us) all to write this way, yet many of us seem to bury it away because neurotypically, society doesn't quite recognize what we say.

I think we write as naturally as they do, yet our words matter more because they tend to rhyme too. I would like to see more poems from you and to see one by Uhane too. I think we can inspire each other in a world that's too cruel.

We are judged not intentionally yet through and through, by a neurotypical society that doesn't understand truth. Everything in life seems to be mathematical, inspiration and love drives me to respond to both of you :-)

Please don't doubt yourself or let them define you, as they can be enemies as well as friends too. Your poem is pleasing to the ear and conveys symmetry, as well as systematical truth linguistically.

Please don't ever give up on your reality, you're helping me to understand me!

I apologize I am dyslexic so some words fall through as opposites of the reverse of what they are.

Hi Kefka

I've just seen this thread and wanted to tell you how good I thought your poem is - really descriptive,  you obviously have a talent.

You have inspired me - I'm not a very good poet, but as you have written the truth of autism from one perspective, I wanted to try to write an alternative perspective - I call it "the other truths of autism" and because I found it difficult to write something that rhymed, I've used a 5-7-5 repeating Haiku form.

The Joy in nature

And a sense of wonderment

This is autism

Hyperlexia

Gifts of creativity

This is autism

Finding your true self

Having passions and interests

This is autism

Detail and focus,

Loyal and reliable,

That is autism

thanks for the link. I look forward to how you get on with your writing and what you do with your new enthusiasm for life! PM me if you like. this discussion thread will eventually recede to the stacks. ..

We can continue there.

If there are any other interested parties here on this discussion who feel invested let me know.

Thank you for explaining the process as I have never really thought of trying to turn anything I write into songs.I don't even show my writing to others, only you and now because you're very astute at pointing out others gifts which I think is a gift in and of itself.

I kind of gave up on society 5 years ago so I have no friends currently and no family contact except with my mother so finding people would probably be quite difficult.

I haven't heard of Rainer Maria Rilke but I'm reading about him through the link you provided and he sounds like the kind of poet I would enjoy reading the works of, so thanks for bringing that to my attention.

My favorite poem and poet is Good Timber by Douglas Malloch

If you'd like to hear and read it, it's the YouTube video below. I'm interested to know what you think about it.

www.youtube.com/watch

A great start! You are a budding lyricist! If you know someone who can get the music going and, of course all drafts need to experience the editors red pen. You could have a song in there. Make many drafts and read out loud what you write till it flows like water! Then fearlessly give it to a acerbic but caring critic to tear apart. We all need editors. Tear it apart and rebuild until it can withstand an earthquake! You got this! So excited for you!

Perhaps there are workshops in your area.

And thank you for your kind words as well. They make me feel seen and appreciated.

Do you know the work of Rainer Maria Rilke?

Reading others' poems will help you find your "original face"

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rainer_Maria_Rilke

I would, in particular reccommend, "Letters to a young poet"

What you said is both one of the nicest compliments and best pieces of advice combined that I've ever heard from someone. Thank you for taking the time to understand me and respond with truth and grace.

When I was a teenager I wrote thousands of poems. I started masking and not coincidentally self-harming at 16. Self-deletion attempts started 8 years from then.

It's been 24 years masking in hell, until I finally woke up to be able to tell, my story while knowing that I'm not alone, so I wish to reveal poetry unknown.

I wrote this for all of us on the Sunday morning of March 17th with my raw emotion. I hope you enjoy it. I'm only sharing it because you really have a gift to point out peoples strengths.

I had no intention of sharing it with anyone but your ability to listen, understand and comprehend what most don't is why I want to share this for the first time. This is the first poem I've written in 22 years. I didn't know it at the time, but upon reading it whole the first time, I might have been subconsciously inspired by John Lennon's song 'Imagine.'


Imagine...ND to NT

You'll never know what it's like to be someone like me. You'll never know what it's like to mask for society.
You'll never know what it's like to mask your identity
From the people who love you yet not qualified family.
A lifetime of secrets because others reject reality.


Different....

You may have had low self-esteem, you may have been picked on,
You may have been sad, lonely and withdrawn,
You may have even thought you'd be better off gone,
Yet some part of you could understand the greater axiom.

You were never really alone and there were plenty of people just like you,
You could go to school and find someone else who knew,
Exactly what it was like to have to go through,
Everything you did too.

Now imagine if you can, a human being who must hide at all costs, who they are!
If they didn't, then people like you wouldn't let them get very far,
You still understood even the popular kids were similar,
In thought process and mannerisms through and through,
You were never truly apart of 'the few'.

You may have put on a social mask because you were shy,
Most people do, #1 fear is public speaking, so try to...

Imagine if you came home to the same hostility from your family as you did your school,
Now try to imagine you had to fool,
Everyone you loved at all times because they would not accept you,
Imagine every-time you tried to be true,
They'd violate your trust and completely invalidate you.

Imagine you didn't have a single friend or family member that understood your view,
That to be in a family meant you had to mask YOU!
That love only came when you acted like them,
Whenever you were you, pain and suffering become.

Imagine, you pretended to all, yet always lived alone in your mind,
That being you was perceived by friends, family and society as unkind,
That everything that violated your 5 senses of who you are,
Were standard issue feelings for everyone else's radar.

Imagine your way of showing love,trust and friendship was tossed aside,
That you were dismissed, mocked and ridiculed while you would strive,
To always work harder to just be the 'normal one',
Never knowing why you couldn't be you to anyone,
Tossed aside like your creativity and ideas didn't matter,
Viewed as a lazy, unmotivated or mentally ill slacker.

Imagine that you would try to take your life in frustration,
That agony, loneliness and judgement from others would be the culmination,
Of a life lived serving others, yet never being viewed,
As anything more than crash, ignorant and rude.

Imagine if you can, that this was your life,
Always aware of the coming strife,
Never able to change a thing
Always flying with a broken wing,
Could you?....Imagine being Autistic?

mushroom therapy in Amsterdam is legal - and - I can tell you have the heart of a poet.-  Invest in some paper and pen!

The world at large is neutral. it is up to you to bring positivity to your life and the world will shift to match it.

No one is to blame.

All the future is yours if you can turn to face it. One cannot blame the past for one's future! 

It is bullshit. They are a bunch of liars and fakers, and completely incompetent! 

I Sperg, I don't have much energy so I am using what I have to explain to you because you have shown me in my perspective that you want to help me. So I want to say thank you.

I have had everything thrown at me and I do NOT feel like I am past anything. Quite the contrary. I feel more lost than ever. I feel like my mind has been raped.

I spent 20 of my 40 years denying who I am......I honestly don't even know how to reconnect with the part of me that was lost for 20 years...

Even worse, I am physically diabled due to my own misunderstaning of who I am + frustration from family that no matter how many times I go 140% to explain, they go next to nothing to care.

I apologize I have to stop now. I am burned out again. In myoriginal post I said 3-4-5-6-7 days so thank YOU for trying to help me.

Honestly, what you did is kinder than most of my family LOL! I know you understand. 

I'm always (wellusually, I have my bad days too!) happy to help.

I'm untrained & a little "opinionated" however, so for your safety, you'd probably be better receiving any mentorship off me in public, so people can chip in when they have an alternative point of view.. 

I found from thirty to forty were pretty horrible years, becuse eevryone gets really focussed on "suceeding" in life, and they reject anything that seems unusual whereas younger people are more welcoming of neurodiversity, they don't see it as a threat so much.

I think you are past the worst part, FWIW, based on my own experience.

I've learned over a lifetime NOT to reveal my emotions or mode of thinking in order to protect myself from abuse. I am in a bad state with the slight possibility to recover because right before death snatched me I realized what I had and what NTs were causing me to lose in my own nuclear family.

I want to apologize for wasting your time with the stupid comment on spelling. That was me in total Autistic burnout with Bi-polar type 2 hypomania(type one is the negative one, type 2 is like Autism + Autism) in other words, every gift and curse we feel x2.

It has resulted in me trying to extinguish my life more times than I care to count. I only say this for context as all of that happened under the pressure of conforming to my NT family, friends and society my entire life.

I wanted to message you to let you know how much I appreciate your detailed comment I Sperg and if you have the time, I'd like to ask for your help, like a mini-mentorship.  I'm still trying to stop masking and explaining because I haven't yet learned to be my true self.

I'm trying to say I see in your response, someone that is similar to my mode of thinking and I think you could really help me if you don't mind listening. If your busy I understand.  Thank you too all of you who responded. I read everything multiple times and everyone gave me a perspective I hadn't thought through before. I am so glad to have finally found a place where I can be me. At 40 I feel like I've lived 2 full lifetimes...

This is to all of you because I'm trying to get help. Thank you all.

I don't know what to do. The more I learn about adult Autism, mostly through Youtube, the more memories keep coming back from my Autistic teenage self that was buried around 18-20 and severe suicide attempts followed resulting in two clinical deaths.

My issue right now is, I cut off all friends and family outright used and betrayed me. My family is very messed up on both sides. So I am lost. I am absolutely exhausted. 20 years of masking with a high IQ, I burned the candle at both ends and there is no wax left to stop the fired from combining then extinguishing.

I hope to hear from you guys again. I appreciate that you took time to help me. I feel so drained and so lost...