Published on 12, July, 2020
I never talked about it, I will elaborate on everything but I am in near death autistic burnout and I have NO friends or family due to a combination of horrible family + me going Stoic 7 years ago because I was really in a permanent autistic shutdown......So now I find myself, as masking, high IQ individual from 13-40 now at 40 in literal hell......I don't know what to do and I don't know if I will be able to communicate for days after this as I frantically try to type what I can in this small time frame of energy I have.To anyone that listens....please I am begging you to return to this thread 3-4-5-6 days out if I don't respond tomorrow. I have been clinically dead 2 times and the attempts beyond that are dozens, many severe. I am NOT like that now, I am simply giving context as to how much I would appreciate my friends in this struggle coming back to offer their advice as I am in desperate need of it.I still try to type neurotypically, always defending why I say what I say with 4 addition facts, my mind is going into overdrive. Why is neurotypical and neurodivergent not corrected by spell check as proper in an autism forum? I just noticed this(my autism) as I wrote neurotypically and it came up red. There's so much I need to say and I am still battling the neurotypical brainwashing that erased my 17 year old self. I feel like I've been in a voice for 23 years.....I cannot imagine this hell for a 50yo or beyond, I can barely comprehend how much of my life has been stolen at 40......I need to stop for now, I apologize, I want to stay in this community, I haven't talked to the public in years because I gave up....
Breathe!! Just breathe...
It does not have to be hell any more. Once you know, you know.
When I realsied that most of what had happened to me was because of "other people", often (but not exclusively) NT other people, it would have become very easy to get a little resentful and angry.
I decided to have a bit of a laugh about it. I've wasted so much of my life flailing about and "failing" and it's like the autism was having one hand tied behind my back and the lack of insight into my own situation was like fighting one handed with a blindfold on as well!
Suddenly, I reaslsied, I've actually done rather well, considering those two disadvantages that i was labouring under...
Now I only have the Autism to contend with and it's a known thing. I can use it as a weapon in certain situations to obtain social advantage over the more P.C. NT's. Now that the blindfold has been removed.
Your situation may have got better, mine did. BUT it hasn't happened overnight, and I still have those "black days", where I sleep a lot.
The important thing is that you live your life in light and not darkness.
Good post. There are more than a few here who will empathsie with you very much, and some of us might indeed help you walk away from the edge. There are all sots of people here, and some of them can help you and some of them you will find need you to help them.
I wanted to message you to let you know how much I appreciate your detailed comment I Sperg and if you have the time, I'd like to ask for your help, like a mini-mentorship. I'm still trying to stop masking and explaining because I haven't yet learned to be my true self. I'm trying to say I see in your response, someone that is similar to my mode of thinking and I think you could really help me if you don't mind listening. If your busy I understand. Thank you too all of you who responded. I read everything multiple times and everyone gave me a perspective I hadn't thought through before. I am so glad to have finally found a place where I can be me. At 40 I feel like I've lived 2 full lifetimes...
I Sperg, I don't have much energy so I am using what I have to explain to you because you have shown me in my perspective that you want to help me. So I want to say thank you.I have had everything thrown at me and I do NOT feel like I am past anything. Quite the contrary. I feel more lost than ever. I feel like my mind has been raped. I spent 20 of my 40 years denying who I am......I honestly don't even know how to reconnect with the part of me that was lost for 20 years...Even worse, I am physically diabled due to my own misunderstaning of who I am + frustration from family that no matter how many times I go 140% to explain, they go next to nothing to care. I apologize I have to stop now. I am burned out again. In myoriginal post I said 3-4-5-6-7 days so thank YOU for trying to help me. Honestly, what you did is kinder than most of my family LOL! I know you understand.
I'm always (wellusually, I have my bad days too!) happy to help.
I'm untrained & a little "opinionated" however, so for your safety, you'd probably be better receiving any mentorship off me in public, so people can chip in when they have an alternative point of view..
I found from thirty to forty were pretty horrible years, becuse eevryone gets really focussed on "suceeding" in life, and they reject anything that seems unusual whereas younger people are more welcoming of neurodiversity, they don't see it as a threat so much.
I think you are past the worst part, FWIW, based on my own experience.