Published on 12, July, 2020
I never talked about it, I will elaborate on everything but I am in near death autistic burnout and I have NO friends or family due to a combination of horrible family + me going Stoic 7 years ago because I was really in a permanent autistic shutdown......So now I find myself, as masking, high IQ individual from 13-40 now at 40 in literal hell......I don't know what to do and I don't know if I will be able to communicate for days after this as I frantically try to type what I can in this small time frame of energy I have.To anyone that listens....please I am begging you to return to this thread 3-4-5-6 days out if I don't respond tomorrow. I have been clinically dead 2 times and the attempts beyond that are dozens, many severe. I am NOT like that now, I am simply giving context as to how much I would appreciate my friends in this struggle coming back to offer their advice as I am in desperate need of it.I still try to type neurotypically, always defending why I say what I say with 4 addition facts, my mind is going into overdrive. Why is neurotypical and neurodivergent not corrected by spell check as proper in an autism forum? I just noticed this(my autism) as I wrote neurotypically and it came up red. There's so much I need to say and I am still battling the neurotypical brainwashing that erased my 17 year old self. I feel like I've been in a voice for 23 years.....I cannot imagine this hell for a 50yo or beyond, I can barely comprehend how much of my life has been stolen at 40......I need to stop for now, I apologize, I want to stay in this community, I haven't talked to the public in years because I gave up....
Ultimately, we end up in environments which aren't healthy, or sustainable. A lot of us had Corporate Jobs, then ended up with an axe to grind.
The Left turn to Ideology, while the Right turn to Philosophy. Though, ultimately, we need to look at the Spirit. Those led by God aren't supposed to fit in nicely. It's a trial, with tears and tantrums. But, ultimately, we get to know who we really are.
I get the brain locked thing. When I've tried to type in that state I don't manage grammar, spelling and punctuation!
I want to say thank you to you I Sperg and to Autriker. At the moment all I can do is read your advice (which I greatly appreciate) and make this comment. I am truly thankful for the response as this has been one of the loneliest and most confusing points in my life....I want to respond more but right now my brain is just locked. I know for the first time I'm truly amongst people that understand and I don't have to explain further, that's nice.....
Breathe!! Just breathe...
It does not have to be hell any more. Once you know, you know.
When I realsied that most of what had happened to me was because of "other people", often (but not exclusively) NT other people, it would have become very easy to get a little resentful and angry.
I decided to have a bit of a laugh about it. I've wasted so much of my life flailing about and "failing" and it's like the autism was having one hand tied behind my back and the lack of insight into my own situation was like fighting one handed with a blindfold on as well!
Suddenly, I reaslsied, I've actually done rather well, considering those two disadvantages that i was labouring under...
Now I only have the Autism to contend with and it's a known thing. I can use it as a weapon in certain situations to obtain social advantage over the more P.C. NT's. Now that the blindfold has been removed.
Your situation may have got better, mine did. BUT it hasn't happened overnight, and I still have those "black days", where I sleep a lot.
The important thing is that you live your life in light and not darkness.
Good post. There are more than a few here who will empathsie with you very much, and some of us might indeed help you walk away from the edge. There are all sots of people here, and some of them can help you and some of them you will find need you to help them.
I don't think it has a specific spellchecker, it will just be using the one on your browser or device. Dunno if you can add those words like you can on word processors, not something I have considered before.
Not sure what actual advice you want? There have been threads on how to deal with burnout. I can't really advise as I don't feel I deal well with my own and only just about borderline cope with my existence. I find trusting Jesus helps, but that advice annoys some people. You did mention wanting a guardian angel though.
I can relate to feeling you could write 1000 pages but not being able to do it all at once and getting overwhelmed. I'm sure many of us here can.
I would advise that changing your NAS number to some kind of name helps us to remember who you are.
I have 1,000 pages worth of context I will eventually write. I apologize, I am just in a nuclear burnout after a lifetime of denying who I am and somehow successfully enduring this living hell. I want to write 100 pages but I just don't have the energy so this will have to do for now. Please don't forget me before I can make further statements, I'll try asap....Thank you to anyone who helps. I need a guardian angel.....