Published on 12, July, 2020
I never talked about it, I will elaborate on everything but I am in near death autistic burnout and I have NO friends or family due to a combination of horrible family + me going Stoic 7 years ago because I was really in a permanent autistic shutdown......So now I find myself, as masking, high IQ individual from 13-40 now at 40 in literal hell......I don't know what to do and I don't know if I will be able to communicate for days after this as I frantically try to type what I can in this small time frame of energy I have.To anyone that listens....please I am begging you to return to this thread 3-4-5-6 days out if I don't respond tomorrow. I have been clinically dead 2 times and the attempts beyond that are dozens, many severe. I am NOT like that now, I am simply giving context as to how much I would appreciate my friends in this struggle coming back to offer their advice as I am in desperate need of it.I still try to type neurotypically, always defending why I say what I say with 4 addition facts, my mind is going into overdrive. Why is neurotypical and neurodivergent not corrected by spell check as proper in an autism forum? I just noticed this(my autism) as I wrote neurotypically and it came up red. There's so much I need to say and I am still battling the neurotypical brainwashing that erased my 17 year old self. I feel like I've been in a voice for 23 years.....I cannot imagine this hell for a 50yo or beyond, I can barely comprehend how much of my life has been stolen at 40......I need to stop for now, I apologize, I want to stay in this community, I haven't talked to the public in years because I gave up....
Ultimately, we end up in environments which aren't healthy, or sustainable. A lot of us had Corporate Jobs, then ended up with an axe to grind.
The Left turn to Ideology, while the Right turn to Philosophy. Though, ultimately, we need to look at the Spirit. Those led by God aren't supposed to fit in nicely. It's a trial, with tears and tantrums. But, ultimately, we get to know who we really are.
This is to all of you because I'm trying to get help. Thank you all.I don't know what to do. The more I learn about adult Autism, mostly through Youtube, the more memories keep coming back from my Autistic teenage self that was buried around 18-20 and severe suicide attempts followed resulting in two clinical deaths.My issue right now is, I cut off all friends and family outright used and betrayed me. My family is very messed up on both sides. So I am lost. I am absolutely exhausted. 20 years of masking with a high IQ, I burned the candle at both ends and there is no wax left to stop the fired from combining then extinguishing.I hope to hear from you guys again. I appreciate that you took time to help me. I feel so drained and so lost...
mushroom therapy in Amsterdam is legal - and - I can tell you have the heart of a poet.- Invest in some paper and pen!
The world at large is neutral. it is up to you to bring positivity to your life and the world will shift to match it.
No one is to blame.
All the future is yours if you can turn to face it. One cannot blame the past for one's future!
You May enjoy the works of Jack Spicer.
Hi again Kefka, thank you for your kind words. I originally came to this forum 7 or 8 years ago when I realised I was neurodiverse. I pop back from time to time to see how people are doing, pick up new information, and try to support others.
It may interest you to know that although I'm in my 20s in my head, chronologically I'm actually in my sixties. I think for me it's easier now to be comfortable with who I am, as I've had several years to adjust and learn and I don't care any more whether people like me or not - if they do, great, if not, I probably wouldn't enjoy being with them anyway. I no longer have toxic family relationships as I no longer see the remaining members of my family - I can just enjoy being with my partner. And in the last few years I've finally made a few friends (people I work with who are compassionate and caring) I still struggle sometimes and can get a bit depressed, but that's part of the human condition.
I've just finished reading the Middle Falls time travel series by Shawn Inmon, and in his books one of the characters says "we're not always born into our true family". Some of us spend years looking for our "true" family. I think I've been lucky.
I'll PM you when I figure that out. I'm very happy you've found yourself and that which fills your sails! And thank you for your kind words. I will cherish those as well. Let's continue in PM.