Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m sure nobody likes conflict but I feel that as an autistic person it’s something I handle particularly badly. I get into a panicky state and I am quick to apologise, even over-apologise, whether I am in the wrong or not. I become overwhelmed with guilt and self-hate. The last conflict I led me to experiencing signs of (passive) suicide ideation as I felt so bad about myself. I won’t call out the other person’s behaviour as I just want to “fix” the situation as quickly as possible. Instead I roll over for them and allow them to walk all over me. I really hate that I’m like this, it makes me feel so weak and pathetic.
Oh I am terrible with conflict. The problem I have is that in a situation where I'm expected to have an immediate response to something in the moment, I'm terrible with it.
It's worse when other autistic people don't understand that I need time to process things, and instead expect me to respond like a neurotypical person. That particular example was, for a number of reasons, the worst thing that ever happened to me.
So yeah, you're not alone.
I used to suffer from the same issue, but I managed to mitigate it. First, combat sport training does wonder for learning how to channel and direct fear and aggression. It also helps a lot with the innate clumsiness that comes with ASD. Second, I started putting myself in confrontations and violent environment, to the point that I became inured to conflict. Sometimes I spent hours afterwards shaking and crying, but I learned to present a brave face when pressured by aggression. Now I live in a very safe environment with non-threatening people, but at least I know that I can fight if needed.