Published on 12, July, 2020
All I did was walk up to people and chat to them in a friendly way. I thought that was the point of these places? But apparently some people only want to go to them to socialise with people they already know. Well, I have less sympathy than I used to for the struggles of pubs and bars.
I will no longer be engaging with you on the forum.
You seem so unhappy, it pains me.
I wish you an epiphany of happiness.
I will look away now.
Uhane said:I wouldn't go to a pub, myself. I would go to a place that is interesting to me personally, or is all about self improvement like a gym, or library, lecture, allotment, com-i-con etc. There, I will find people already interested in the things I'm interested in.
That makes sense. At least, you will have an interest in common to talk about.
oh shut up. My fault for trying to help somebody that does not want to be helped
HI Roswell, One thing that I see is that you are trying to drop into the middle of an intense NT situation without any building up to it. There needs to be a gradual approach and perhaps a different venue.
This is such a terrifying thing to do for many of us. I have found some solutions over the years and with work it gets better.
If it's a social setting like a pub, find a small group, but not an obvious couple on their own. Or sit and look interesting and wait for someone to approach you, writing in a notebook is intriguing, for example. Or join in an activity like bocci, darts, trivia nights, bowling, reading group, detectoring.
Once you've made contact. Talk about the other person. Ask after their happiness and well being sorts of things. Be a good listener and see how they communicate, study them. learn from them. The gift of gab is not everyone's, but being a good listener is easy if your think of it all as research.
Ask questions--not too personal --like, do you like this or that, or know a good billiard hall/ theater/library/book store, etc. don't talk for too long and give them time to answer --and listen without judgement. This is a really hard one, the judgement (for me). Just suspend it and think how we are all so different in how we think. Keep exploring and failing and learning and you will get better at it and sometimes succeed. Look for common ground and build on that.
I wouldn't go to a pub, myself. I would go to a place that is interesting to me personally, or is all about self improvement like a gym, or library, lecture, allotment, com-i-con etc. There, I will find people already interested in the things I'm interested in.
Some place where you are more likely to find people who share your interests is a good start. The big thing is to cultivate listening skills and know when you've been speaking for too long or short. ask a person you already know to help you with this back and forth, if need be.
I have been really fortunate to make one NT friend who was very supportive and helps me navigate a lot of these thorn bush-like social settings for me and is a buffer in baffling group situations.
poor dear Jug Head, Why do you ridicule so summarily the things you don't like or really don't understand? Have you so few gentle, calm streams in your life?
dang, that really sucks this happened to you. Maybe you could try to contact the manager of the bar and try to explain what happened?
Exactly. If they put on a night for people with social difficulties, all the namby pampbys would say they were discriminating against someone else. They can't win, so why bother. I don't blame them either. Common sense and decency left the building a long time ago and people seem to take offence at everything nowadays.
In this day and age going to a pub to talk to people specifically is just unwise. It was bad enough when I was a kid back in the 90's where you talk to the wrong person and maybe you end up with a bloodied nose for your trouble. Nowadays they stab you or if you live in certain cities maybe worse. if you want to socialise any place full of intoxicated idiots is about as bad an idea as it gets and that's before you add things like autism to the mix.
If you go to a pub to socialise, then grab a couple of beers first, but not enough to get trollied. That will deactivate the security spidey sense. Don't randomly speak to people. You have to be super NT when you do it and pick your moments, but don't push into a group, have an opinion and move on. To actually be accepted into a group takes time and well you have to invest a lot to do it. Some groups you will never be accepted into. For instance some groups wil be very blue collar, worked in the steel works for 20 years, unless you have that life experience, not a chance. Other groups might be in a gang or linked to something nefarious, trying to talk to them well it won't end well. And if you are really unlucky and you mange to talk to someones girlfriend or wife, well you might be heading to hospital.
Choose your target pub well too. A pub in an upper class area is probably a better place to engage with people. Upper class people tend to not want to knock your front teeth out on first meeting. Pubs in areas with lots of doctors, lawyers, teachers, people you might have a good conversation with are also generally the ones that have the most to lose from using physical violence and therefore act more like prope human beings.
Easiest thing to do is not go to pubs. Go to a community centre to socialise, get involved in something. Your local area might have a community garden for instance, join in. Similarly, maybe a neighbourhood litter picking group. Volunteer somewhere. Those are generally safe places for social interaction.
How exactly would a pub go about catering for such social difficulties?
lol no. That's for public facilities, not private establishment.
if those social difficulties are the consequence of a disability then yes they do. In exactly the same way that they have an obligation to cater to people with mobility difficulties by putting in ramps / lifts.
Peter said:probably discriminating against you (
Seriously? A pub is there to make money, not to provide assistance. Pubs have no obligations to cater for people with social difficulties. They are not a public service.
Sorry for trying to help. I hope you enjoy being kicked out of pubs and put on a ban list, maybe that's your idea of "progress"? Maybe you get off on humiliation?
If everyone was like you, there would be no progress. Oh yes, let's not talk to strangers. Let's not meet people and make new agreements and learn new things. God almighty, were you born yesterday?
People do go to bars to meet new people. But it depends immensely on the type of the bar the type of person. In my experience young people go to noisy clubbish bars to meet other young people.
also the approach is very important. If you overhear a conversation and perhaps you lean over and say ‘I couldn’t help but overhear you saying X and I thought you might like to know Y.’ And then if they respond as if they are interested maybe you can start a conversation and if they don’t you just have to excuse yourself and move on.
there is a big difference between that and just sitting down at somebody’s table and saying let me introduce myself. But at the end of the day you were not expected to know these things will be an expert on how to approach people because you are autistic and it is a handicap for you. If the bar has not made allowances for you I think they are probably discriminating against you (in a moral if not legal sense).
That's ridiculous. Who advised you to walk up to strangers and chat to them? I have never seen anything like this happen in all my life. Anybody would have told you that you would be kicked out or banned. You should have stopped and reconsidered you actions after the first ban, by the way.
Thinking about that, the only time I tried to spoke with an NHS therapist, he advised me to "go to a pub, offer a beer to a friendly looking person and start a conversation." I replied with "That's r-word, I would be kicked out for harassing customers. People go to the pub to socialize with people they already know," He replied: "therapy requires faith. If you do not believe what I say, there is no point continuing therapy."Maybe you ended up with the same therapist?
True facts about the equality act
this is not legal advice. I am not advising you what to do. I merely stating some interesting facts about the equality act but you may want to go and do some research on.
Roswell said:people only want to go to them to socialise with people they already know.
I had the same thing explained to me about parties. Since I'm a recluse who doesn't know people, I avoid partying and other social events. It's a circular self defeating cycle.
I think that what you have described can be applied to many situations where there is a large gathering of people. It's been a good many years since I last set foot inside a pub/bar. More often than not, I found that people who were part of a group would generally only socialise with the other members of that group. If they did speak to other people, then it was often a brief conversation (small talk) while waiting to be served at the bar.
Sorry to hear that I understand how you feel are there any groups available in any of your locals on Wednesdays I go to my local and play board games with different people. Got friendly with the land lord as well who understands autism really well so if I behave inappropriately he understands.