Autistic vs Non-Autistic communication style

Rainbow Pixie said:

I hope this all makes sense, some days my mind races away and feels scatty so my grammar and speech can be difficult to read and understand. (I call it a stutter, but no sound comes out mid sentence as I forget words or sometimes get first letters mixed up on words).

That’s ok, don’t worry!

Rainbow Pixie said:

That meme did make me chuckle. The thing is with me the more I read about autism and communication the more I think about it and realise actually yes I do do this or I do that etc. But I think my problem is I just don't see it half the time. When I talk to my husband he will actually say to me you do actually take things literally, you do this and that etc, then it makes me realise for examples from my memories. I called it my ratatouille moment. (The pixar film when the critic eats food that sends him to a moment in time). 

That’s great, I found the meme funny too!

Given you liked the meme I shared, you may enjoy the discussion below entirely about memes related to our autistic experiences:

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/miscellaneous-and-chat/32036/autistic-memes/344283#344283

 I understand what you mean when you say you don’t recognise your communication differences. But then again why would you if that’s all you know and it’s your natural way of being? (Rhetorical question, used to illustrate my point!)

It’s only when other typically non autistic people such as your husband point it out to you. Just a thought, did you grow up surrounded by other autistic people? I ask as sometimes this is reason why we don’t notice that our way of being and communication is different from non autistic people.

Rainbow Pixie said:

I think ultimately that when it comes to communication I'm just blind to seeing what issues I have, but I think that's because I don't see it as an issue, but rather other people if they don't get me.

It’s not an issue, it’s a communication difference! Similar to how people from different cultures experience misunderstandings when chatting to each other, this happens to us when communicating with other neurotypes. This is a simplification of The Double Empathy Problem which is an autistic authored theory which suggests that the reason why misunderstandings occur between autistic and non autistic people is because we have vastly different experiences of the world and therefore struggle to relate to each other.

If you want to learn more about the double empathy problem, please read the article below:

https://reframingautism.org.au/miltons-double-empathy-problem-a-summary-for-non-academics/

That meme did make me chuckle. The thing is with me the more I read about autism and communication the more I think about it and realise actually yes I do do this or I do that etc. But I think my problem is I just don't see it half the time. When I talk to my husband he will actually say to me you do actually take things literally, you do this and that etc, then it makes me realise for examples from my memories. I called it my ratatouille moment. (The pixar film when the critic eats food that sends him to a moment in time). 

I think ultimately that when it comes to communication I'm just blind to seeing what issues I have, but I think that's because I don't see it as an issue, but rather other people if they don't get me.

I hope this all makes sense, some days my mind races away and feels scatty so my grammar and speech can be difficult to read and understand. (I call it a stutter, but no sound comes out mid sentence as I forget words or sometimes get first letters mixed up on words).

Sometimes people sit together as friends/family and then one has to go somewhere. The person intends to come back. So, the person asks 'is this seat taken?' as in 'will anyone be coming back to sit here, or can I sit here?'

I once sat down on a free seat when it was 'taken' by someone intending to come back - so I learnt what it meant that way.

Rainbow Pixie said:

It makes me question whether I've masked for so long that I've learned the language of the NT's. If that makes sense?

Yes probably you are right.

Also many of us including myself have an interest in wordplay and language more generally. I love how certain words feel on my tongue!

In terms of communication styles I often automatically interpret language literally it’s just that other people may not know as I may not voice it. For example, if someone asks a question like can I take your seat and it is already empty, that’s a stupid question. However sometimes I don’t voice my opinion as non autistic people sometimes think that I am too blunt or direct and don’t know how to respond to me.

 I am a very literal, honest and direct communicator that’s obviously because I am autistic and therefore I love to deep dive in conversation topics as opposed to surface level small talk. Many non autistic people communicate via lots of vague hints which complicates interactions, whereas we (especially me) get straight to the point.

You might enjoy this meme:

eh im more the bottom green part.

infact i can be all of that aside from that top right one. id think the top right one is deceitful a virtue signalling type of brain, fake emotion trying to match the others, yeah i dont do that one so thats the only part of that brain chart i can say wont match me lol

i dunno, from how i see it communication styles are like... verbal, or written, or maybe hand gestures....

i myself am more communicative written and not very good verbally, can write essays for days but yet in speaking wont say much.

then ofcourse people who are not good at writing or verbal can probably crutch it some other way by over using gestures... this makes you naturally italian lol kidding kidding, i just wanted to make a italian joke if im bringing up hand gestures lol 

but yeah there will be someway you communicate better at and another you not as good at.

I'm glad I came across this post. I am diagnosed as autistic, but the communication part of autism confuses me and then makes me question my autism diagnosis. I mean I have been reading Dr Lake Beardons book and I actually commented that I felt like it was a biography of my life based on a lot of whats written in there. But in terms of communication the examples I've seen floating around such as "is this seat taken?" I would instantly either say a single yes or no to someone. However in my mind I'm actually thinking what do you think, what a stupid question. But I never say out loud what I think, only to those I am 100% comfortable around, which is like less than the fingers on one hand. It makes me question whether I've masked for so long that I've learned the language of the NT's. If that makes sense? I do do something that I think is unique to me though (I could be wrong), I make up words or I deliberately say words wrong and try to make them sound cute. For example when saying my phone battery has died, I sometimes say its die-did. Or I will purposely say feets instead of feet.

Jayde. said:

I am trying to work out whether or not I am autistic.

We can definitely help you with that!

In the meantime, these articles below may be useful for you:

https://reframingautism.org.au/service/i-am-questioning-my-identity/
(Australian organisation but some very useful information)

https://neuroclastic.com/are-you-a-neurolurker/

https://ausometraining.com/am-i-autistic/

I hope this helps!

Jayde. said:

As long as the person doing the assessment understands my medical history, then I will be able to proceed with the assessment to work out the innate biology of my brain (verses any sociolisation.)

Yes I understand that, some of us in this autistic community feel like we need the confirmation of our autistic identity from formal identification. Alternatively, if you want to and feel ready to you could self identify as autistic. I am a self identified autistic and it is perfectly valid! 

One of the reasons why I am suggesting this is because formal identification can take a very long time.

I am trying to work out whether or not I am autistic.

As long as the person doing the assessment understands my medical history, then I will be able to proceed with the assessment to work out the innate biology of my brain (verses any sociolisation.)

Jayde. said:

I would be interested to know your thoughts as to why it "definitely make lots of sense!"

Because why would be part of an autistic community and be interested in autistic communication if you weren’t autistic?

Ausomely Autistic said:

That would definitely make lots of sense!

I would be interested to know your thoughts as to why it "definitely make lots of sense!"

Thank-you.

Jayde. said:

I definitly think I fit more with the autistic communication style.

That would definitely make lots of sense!

Jayde. said:

The only thing I would say is, whilst I used to show my empathy by relating a story back to myself, I soon learnt that people don't like this. So, now, I use my personal experience to think about how I would have wanted support in that situation, and then try to help that person in their situation. If the situation is emotional with no way to fix the situation (like someone's death,) then I will say to the person 'I can see you are upset, but I honestly don't know what to say in this situation.' It's not perfect, but it's the best I can do without sounding like an uncaring person.

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That’s ok!

In conversation many non autistic people think that by sharing your experiences in an emotional or empathetic situation you are being selfish or dominating the interaction when in actual fact you are just trying to show that you relate because you have had similar experiences or feelings (and therefore by sharing this information, it is a way of saying ‘I hear you ‘ or providing validation). There are so many different ways to relate and show empathy to others, no way is superior to the other one!

 I always feel uncomfortable in highly emotional situations because I experience hyper empathy, just because you don’t know what to say doesn’t mean you don’t care!

I don’t think there is anyway that anyone could say something to another person who has received extremely emotional news that would acknowledge the gravity of what they might be feeling.

All you can do is provide space for that person to be and feel in whatever way they need to. Also you may be able to leave a situation if you feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable by the intensity of another person’s emotions.

I have been reading this.

I definitly think I fit more with the autistic communication style.

Some things:

1. At my last teaching job, when I was asking ''how can I do better in this lesson?'' in an attempt to be better as a teacher, and I was asking more questions on ''okay, how can I implement that in my classroom?'' they percieved me as not being able to do the job well or saw it as me complaining when I'm just trying to improve.

2. At my nursery job, I was asking questions about how best to support the young children. I am trained as a primary school teacher, not an early years. Yet, I was often told 'don't worry, you'll pick it up as you go along.' Then, when I tried to 'use my initiative,' the manager and her daughter were telling me I was 'doing it wrong.' I was trying to teach the 3 - 5 year olds early phonics or mathematics, which I knew was appropriate because I read the government document on early years.  When I kept asking 'okay, what would you like me to do?' They would just tell me 'find something to do' and they would sit back on their seats and chat amoungst the adults and pay no attention to the kids.

I would try to do a diligant job getting the kitchen, the dining area and the washrooms tidy. I was told it needed to be to a high standard. Yet I would get called telling me I'm 'going too slow' and I need to 'pick up the pace' as they expect me to do all these jobs and they don't do anything ! (to be clear, they were doing some cutting out of display pieces - but to tell me off for not being quick enough in all these jobs whilst you're doing something that could be done during a quieter time !)

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I would love to teach people about art, specifically in relation to colour theory and the science of light/colour.

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The only thing I would say is, whilst I used to show my empathy by relating a story back to myself, I soon learnt that people don't like this. So, now, I use my personal experience to think about how I would have wanted support in that situation, and then try to help that person in their situation. If the situation is emotional with no way to fix the situation (like someone's death,) then I will say to the person 'I can see you are upset, but I honestly don't know what to say in this situation.' It's not perfect, but it's the best I can do without sounding like an uncaring person.

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The only difficulty I have with working out if my communication style is naturally autistic, or:

I was in hospital a lot growing up. I missed out on opportunities for social interaction. When I came back from hospital, I struggled with communicating with peers. I was often 'left out' of the social group. I wasn't very interested in what they had to talk about anyway.

When I turned 17, I met my friend RK and her friends. They are all autistic. It was the first opportunity I had to spend an extended amount of time (4-5 days a week for 6 weeks) with people and learn the 'rules of social communication and friendships.'

I am not sure if I was able to learn their autistic style of communication through socialisation as opposed to something that was innate.

What I will say is, their way of communicating felt more natural to me. 10 minutes to talk about a topic of interest and not having to comment on what the other person is saying when it's your turn to talk. Even when their topic of interest wasn't something I was interested in, the way they talked about their interest I understood what they were talking about. It was a very successful conversation and, as I said, natural.

Great! There is a whole series of these graphics about differences in autistic and non autistic communication styles on Neurowild’s social media pages if you would like to explore it further.

Hello,

Thank-you, I managed to find a larger version.

Yes alternatively do you use Instagram or Facebook? If so you can find these graphics by searching Neurowild communication styles.

Hello,

I have tried to view this, however, when I try making it larger so I can see it, it is blurry and I can't read it.

It it possible for you to provide a larger or clearer copy?

Thank-you.

Yes absolutely!

We autistics typically communicate in a more literal, honest and direct way with interest based deep analytical discussions compared to non autistic people who communicate using small talk and more generalised surface level conversations.

Another difference is that non autistic people tend to use lots of implicit communication in their interactions compared to us autistic people who naturally say what we mean.

Here is a graphic which explains some of these differences: