Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm feeling quite frustrated with myself because I feel lonely. I'm 24, female, married, but don't have any friends at all. I work full-time and get on with everyone at work, but outside of work I don't have any friends, and I'm starting to feel alone.
The difficulty is that I want to make friends but I don't like people (which sounds awful and weird), and I prefer my own company, but at the same time I like to still talk and have friends.
I've had a friend group growing up but I feel like I've always been on the edge of it, like they don't like me or want to spend time with me. I never got invited to anything, always last choice to hang with, and I feel like this has carried into my adult years.
I kind of feel stuck in this odd limbo of wanting friends but just can't get over the finding them, anxiety, stress, social situations, all that sort of stuff. I was diagnosed in 2021, it has helped explain why my brain works the way it does, but I do feel like I'm grieving all the things I missed out on because I didn't have the support I needed growing up.
Not sure what I'm asking for by posting this... maybe to make some friends? some tips/advice?
Any insight/other perspectives would be helpful. :-)
Sorry to hear you're feeling similar. Always open to chatting if you'd like someone to talk to. :-)
I feel exactly the same way. I am married and have children. Zero friends. Very lonely
Yeah, I think it's largely about communication - I'll admit that I'd be the kind of person who, if I was friends with someone and they disappeared for months here and there, I'd be questioning where they stand. However, if we had a conversation about it and we promised to be open with each other if anything changes, then I wouldn't have an issue.
Thinking about the things you like is a starting point at least, but also maybe whether the person energises you or drains you. You want someone who you feel you can easily talk to, if that makes sense.
Thanks for your reply. :-)
These sorts of things I usually ask my mum who is neurotypical, my dad is of no help as he is autistic too and also has no friends, so we often joke about being friendless robots together haha.
I can relate to the "friends" thing - I had a good friendship group but then got ostracised for having different political stance, different beliefs on things, and also not being afraid to share my opinion. Had a couple who wanted money from me too.
Where I live there isn't much going on other than drinking groups...not my favourite thing to do!
I'll have to see if I can find any hobby or walking groups, but yes, being alone is good company.
Potentially, although I think he can struggle to understand how I'm feeling about these sorts of things. I'm friends with a couple of his friends, but I feel like it's based on association.
Thanks for the advice :-)
I would have to think about it, I'm honestly not sure what a friendship would ideally be like for me. I can go months without talking to anyone, messaging, but still stay in touch. I just think I am worried that because of this people think I'm rude or a bad friend.
People are so hard to understand! Lol
One example would be a walking group. You are likely to find decent people at one of those, maybe they will be a bit boring but definitely trustworthy.
A lot of people pretend they're interested in things they're not to make friends. That's one possible tip but for Autistic people that is more challenging. You could ask neurotypical people for advice on how to dress if you wanted. My mother advised me, as a man, to dress in darker colours. I used to wear a lot more bright sort of tropical colours. I think you are in a pretty good position though personally. If you're happily married and do not know people who bother you, that's pretty good. I used to have "friends" who were a pain because they wanted money or just kept telling the same old boring jokes. Rather be alone than in bad company is my motto. But I'm sure you can make friends, maybe try new things that you wouldn't usually, but think about it carefully, like interest groups that attract more intelligent kind of people.
Do you think this is something your partner would be willing to help you with?
I don't want to give unsolicited advice or anything but what I could suggest is, if you haven't already, thinking about what you would want specifically from a friendship in terms of what feels right to you.