Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm after some advice regarding my 20 year old son, who was diagnosed with ASD last year please. Like many others, he prefers comfortable clothing like joggers and soft jumpers and tops etc. He has favourites that he will wear day after day. He will put them out for washing eventually. He has some new clothes, equally comfy and will wear them but still prefers the old favourites. The main issue is, some of his joggers are not long enough and finish just above his ankles, and they look quite old. I have spoken to him about maybe getting some more new ones that fit but he doesn't see there being a problem. He feels comfy and that's all that matters. I notice people giving smirky looks when we are out sometimes and I just want to protect him from any negativity. He says it doesn't bother him. So really, I guess I'm wondering, do I just accept that he feels happy with how he looks and ignore others or do I try to explain how it looks, which I have been reluctant to, in too much detail, as I don't want him to feel self conscious. He's such a lovely young man and I just want the best for him. Thanks so much x
I don't have that problem, I love clothes. But I do understand, it can take time for new clothes to be accepted by some autistic people, so buying them and putting them in the wardrobe might mean that he will start wearing them in months or even years. But it can be done, it is just about introducing the new clothes in a gentle way. hope that helps
Agreed - what Dawn says.
I would say, get yourself and someone else to sit down with him and explain clearly and non-judgmentally how others might see him if he's wearing worn out or not quite fitting clothes. Then he can make an informed decision about whether to change them or not. Bear in mind that in this cost of living crisis era buying new clothes is more of a luxury than it used to be and probably more people will begin to have tatty clothes on soon
I do understand your concerns. I had been wearing a red coat my mum bought because I like the colour and her and my social worker said to me it looks too feminine and too tight fitting to suit my body, which I had not considered. Nothing wrong with looking feminine if you're a man but I certainly wasn't trying to project that image
Empathising and identifying with your son a huge amount here...that's me too and I'm in my late 50s. I hate it when society demands I wear stuff I don't want. Dress rules are illogical and comfort matters.
Errr yeah, I'd say emphatically leave him alone with his comfy choices. Who cares how he looks? He doesn't for sure and why should he?
No need to explain anything to anyone. You are the one worrying what folk think, not him. In his place, I'd be right royally irritated with you if you attempted to explain to strangers my choices which are none of their business in the first place.
Sorry, that probably sounds a bit harsh. I don't mean to be. But the issue just isn't important to him, so truth is, it's not important at all.
He'll pick something else in his own time when he's grown to the extent the items become uncomfortable or they fall apart. I'd just provide a few alternatives for him to choose when that day comes.
Actually just like me. I think all my clothes are either old or built for comfort and the old ones are kept just for comfort.
My mother disappeared a few items of clothing that she didn't approve of. Every time I think about breaking no contact I remember that and the urge to get back in touch goes away. I'm still furious about it after 20 years.
You're trying to protect him from negativity about his clothing by being negative about his clothing? That makes no sense.
That is a betrayal of trust and he would likely notice, wouldn't recommend that. I have been absolutely furious whenever my parents got rid of things they had assigned as 'too tatty' when they didn't consult me first
Fibonacci Squid said:The next step is of course removing the old ones.
You could use a few creative lies here - "they were blown off the washing line in high winds", "foxes got to them and were playing tug of war with them" or "the fashion police turned up and took them into custody".
Just make sure they are somewhere they cannot be easily retrieved but it is still possible to do so in case of an unexpected meltdown (eg ask a friend to look after them for a few days before you donate / burn them.
Cutting that last thread to get the worn out ones out of circulation is probably best done a few at a time - tearing the bandaid off approach.
Thank you so much, that is really helpful x
Yeah both I and my autistic younger brother do this. It drives our dad insane.
My brother loves joggers, and as he had a massive growth spurt they are generally on the short side. For me I love walking trousers, and as I've stopped growing it's usually more a case of how 'tatty' they look. Made worse by the fact that the company that makes the trousers I like has changed the design to no longer have zipped pockets so getting new ones is a nightmare.
The key is adding new ones to the cycle, which it seems like you have done and it has integrated well. The next step is of course removing the old ones. I recommend explaining in a great deal of detail how it looks to others. For me certainly, I just would never intuit that kind of thing and need it explained to me precisely.
He can then make the decision about how he is presenting to the world with the same amount of information as anyone else can get, and he may decide he doesn't care (which is often the decision I make regarding my trousers) but it is then his decision and not his ignorance that has led to that.
Hope this helps