Published on 12, July, 2020
DSM-5 says that to meet the diagnostic criteria for ASD there must be persistent deficits in all three of the areas below.
So why is it some of us are completely alone and isolated while others seem to have friends, partners and active social lives?
How do people who meet the above criteria achieve this?
Some autistic people can see that if they wish to achieve their goals in life that they have to push themselves and do uncomfortable things, others either cannot see this, or have genuine limitations that make it impossible.
For example, I make apparently 'normal' levels of eye contact, but I do so entirely consciously, I time when and for how long I make eye contact when talking to someone. I do not have a neurotypical unconscious ability to do this, but I compensate for this by using my conscious intellect. As a result the neurotypical majority find me comfortable to talk to, and that helps with making friendly connections. An autistic unwilling or unable to make such a concession to neurotypical norms, would find it much more difficult to make friendly connections. Therefore, you can have two people who are equally autistic, both with eye contact difficulties, producing two very different social outcomes.
Martin said: both with eye contact difficulties,
Eye contact is just a non autistic cultural expectation though. This becomes even more obvious when you realise that some other cultures around the world find the social expectation of eye contact offensive or too intimate.
The etiology of eye contact is of no importance from a social viewpoint. If the majority of society, and society in the UK and the rest of 'The West' certainly do, demand it for their interpersonal comfort, then being an autistic person who can meet this demand is a very definite social advantage.
The original poster was asking why some autistics are more socially successful than others, in this context my example is, I think, quite apposite and illustrative.
Martin said:I have interaction on a regular basis with one other autistic person, my daughter. Being good at communicating with other autistics is a vanishingly small advantage to me, whereas being able to communicate effectively with neurotypicals is of immense advantage.
Yes I completely understand what you mean, we autistics are a minority group in a predominant neurotype world.
Martin said:The vast majority of the people in society at large are neurotypical; if you do not live in an autistic bubble - and surely the majority of autistics do not - then finding friends and romantic partners means, by default, finding neurotypical friends and partners. If, as an autistic person, you can put neurotypicals at ease and smooth the way to deeper connections by outwardly confirming to neurotypical communication norms, then making friendships and romantic partnerships becomes much easier.
Yes I understand, in some ways it's about finding a balance between both autistic and predominant neurotype cultures whilst still meeting your needs including for deep connections.
You may find this graphic interesting: