Pretending to be normal

This is something that I definitely used to try to do a lot and it contributed a huge amount to my burnouts.

I still go through the cycles of burning out as I always have done, but find that I’m not so apologetic about being myself anymore which can sometime stave these moments off for a bit longer. If people don’t ‘get it’ so much, well that’s sort of up to them really. I don’t particularly mean that in such a combative way, but more in recognition that I used to put so much pressure on myself to manage the thoughts and feelings of others based on my own flawed guesswork that it used to be a huge contributor to my own burnouts.

The return to being a hermit for a bit whilst I rest and recuperate after prolonged periods of ‘successful’ social interaction is inevitable, but post diagnosis, I know why now and I’m okay with it! For me, that is most of the battle.

Slight edit due to self-doubt: The fact I had to add this edit is probably evidence to what I’m about to add. All of the above is not to say that I find any of this easy, but it is something I’m trying to learn for myself. I doubt myself all of the time, but I’m hoping with the discipline I’m trying to learn here, to advocate for myself a little more and at least place my own comfort on a similar level to the level I place the comfort of others.

Yes, in the past.  Nowadays, I liberally sprinkle some of my "weirdness" each and everyday for all to see......but more importantly, I no longer try to rationalise that behaviour to others.  "Coz I'm weird" is the full extent of a volunteered answer, if I am challenged on my 'flapping' or incessant self-chatter.

Yep. I think pretty much my whole life has been me pretending to be normal and trying to fit in to this neurotypical world. It's exhausting.
I think it's called masking isn't it?
The evenings are when I crash after a day of trying to be normal and fitting in. At night I can lay down, unwind and relax and prepare myself for tomorrow where the whole cycle starts all over again.
It's nice knowing so many of us relate to this.

Typical " Masking ".
It.s hard work.

Hi.

Kieran Rose is an autistic advocate who specialises in autistic masking. You may find his work insightful:

https://theautisticadvocate.com/autistic-masking/

Yeah thats why I try not to mask too often. I used to mask all the time but once I got home I would have terrible meltdowns so now I mostly just emotionally detach in public and try to lay low (which probably isnt the healthiest either but at least im not screaming for hours anymore)

I felt the effects of masking, today.

Now, I feel ready to explode.

I was at Mass, this evening, but in a wee world of my own mentally.

Plus, our new Priest takes forever, and is ritualistic. An entire lifetime of, me, being forced to take my time.

Changing how you would normally act to fit better into neurotypical society is called masking (this could be subconscious or you could do it intentionally). It takes a lot of energy to mask because you are having to focus on so many things at once (like body language, the conversation, the other person, etc) and that can be harder too if you are monotropic. If you mask too long it could lead to exhaustion and even burnout. 

www.autism.org.uk/.../autistic-masking

I generally crash at weekends. Sometimes if I have to spend the day around people at work or an event I will crash half way through. So many times I’ve retreated to the toilets to recover and regroup.

I thought they might. I just wondered if the ability to pretend to be normal, or even to actually "feel" normal" for a while was a common thing or just me. I can feel like that for a while and then I crash terribly and just go back to being myself

I’m going to guess that most people on this forum feel that way.