Pretending to be normal

Does anyone else feel that they can pretend like they're normal for a short amount of time (and actually cope quite well like a regular person in the outside world) but after a couple of weeks the effort is too much and you crash and burn out and cant "be normal" anymore?

  • Yes! If only "normal" people could understand how exhausting this is!

  • Those that matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter.

    Wise words.

  • I have managed 49 years undetected. Even to myself!

    I too had a moment 2 years ago with my dad suffering an aneurism and huge stroke. He was a very fit and healthy man and my best friend as well as an amazing dad. He did miraculously survive but it has been tough for me to forget. I seemed to have one thing after another since that happened and now realising I’ve always been different/masked. I would love to be able to drop that mask for a couple of days to see what it’s like.

    Unfortunately my partner doesn’t want to even discuss the subject so mask it is. 
    I am only guessing but I think unmasking for me would be energy conservation, sleep and just nothing. 

  • Yes this is something I do most days. I work in a preschool nursery and I have to pretend to be normal "mask" to get through the day, and talk to my colleagues, and the parents. When I get home I am exhausted and literally collapse into bed where I'll stay for the rest of the night if I can.

  • I have been trying to hide it for 55 years and look normal. I just knew I was diffrent as a kid (nobody knew about ASD in the 70's) and being diffrent ment being bullied. I have no idea who autistic me really is. I get some glimpses but it is all a bit of a mystery really. I was very good at masking until 2020 when I lost my dad, put mum in a care home, cleared their house of 40 years and delt with Covid. That breakdown stripped away all my masking skills, I am now a diffrent person and more of autistic is being revealed. I nolonger do things that I find difficult like seeing lots of people, I give myself much more me time.

  • Newly diagnosed at 57. Feels like I’ve masked all my life. In my quiet time. I just thought everyone went quiet now and again. Still trying to get my head around this a bit more. This all feels strange and alien. Or am I just strange and alien. I don’t know. All my friends are sound. Couple of blokey comments. Family are cool. My son’s not. 2 out of 3s not bad I suppose 

  • Yup!  It's called masking and is guaranteed to exhaust you and burn you out.

    These days I just try explaining to people why I do stuff differently and carry on my way. Those that matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter.

  • Yeah. But then I didn't have to, because there was just me and the dog in my world. 

    And that was better, and felt normal, in a way that pretending to be never had. 

    In my current small-world life, people know that I'm not like them, and that helps, but I Still have to do some pretending, because if you go out into the world at all, you do. 

  • I hear you.  I know us.  It's all cool, no matter which way you cut it.

  • Thanks for the warm welcome as always Number.

    I think I have to accept that I will continue to have long stretches of silence on here even though I have been on here almost every day since my last post an age ago. Another point of reflection and learning.

  • For me, that is most of the battle.

    Agreed.

    And welcome back CG Woodman !  Always a pleasure.

  • This is something that I definitely used to try to do a lot and it contributed a huge amount to my burnouts.

    I still go through the cycles of burning out as I always have done, but find that I’m not so apologetic about being myself anymore which can sometime stave these moments off for a bit longer. If people don’t ‘get it’ so much, well that’s sort of up to them really. I don’t particularly mean that in such a combative way, but more in recognition that I used to put so much pressure on myself to manage the thoughts and feelings of others based on my own flawed guesswork that it used to be a huge contributor to my own burnouts.

    The return to being a hermit for a bit whilst I rest and recuperate after prolonged periods of ‘successful’ social interaction is inevitable, but post diagnosis, I know why now and I’m okay with it! For me, that is most of the battle.

    Slight edit due to self-doubt: The fact I had to add this edit is probably evidence to what I’m about to add. All of the above is not to say that I find any of this easy, but it is something I’m trying to learn for myself. I doubt myself all of the time, but I’m hoping with the discipline I’m trying to learn here, to advocate for myself a little more and at least place my own comfort on a similar level to the level I place the comfort of others.

  • Yes, in the past.  Nowadays, I liberally sprinkle some of my "weirdness" each and everyday for all to see......but more importantly, I no longer try to rationalise that behaviour to others.  "Coz I'm weird" is the full extent of a volunteered answer, if I am challenged on my 'flapping' or incessant self-chatter.

  • Yep. I think pretty much my whole life has been me pretending to be normal and trying to fit in to this neurotypical world. It's exhausting.
    I think it's called masking isn't it?
    The evenings are when I crash after a day of trying to be normal and fitting in. At night I can lay down, unwind and relax and prepare myself for tomorrow where the whole cycle starts all over again.
    It's nice knowing so many of us relate to this.

  • Hi.

    Kieran Rose is an autistic advocate who specialises in autistic masking. You may find his work insightful:

    https://theautisticadvocate.com/autistic-masking/

  • Yeah thats why I try not to mask too often. I used to mask all the time but once I got home I would have terrible meltdowns so now I mostly just emotionally detach in public and try to lay low (which probably isnt the healthiest either but at least im not screaming for hours anymore)

  • I felt the effects of masking, today.

    Now, I feel ready to explode.

  • I was at Mass, this evening, but in a wee world of my own mentally.

    Plus, our new Priest takes forever, and is ritualistic. An entire lifetime of, me, being forced to take my time.

  • Changing how you would normally act to fit better into neurotypical society is called masking (this could be subconscious or you could do it intentionally). It takes a lot of energy to mask because you are having to focus on so many things at once (like body language, the conversation, the other person, etc) and that can be harder too if you are monotropic. If you mask too long it could lead to exhaustion and even burnout. 

    www.autism.org.uk/.../autistic-masking

  • I generally crash at weekends. Sometimes if I have to spend the day around people at work or an event I will crash half way through. So many times I’ve retreated to the toilets to recover and regroup.

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