Published on 12, July, 2020
I knew I had it too good for too long and it had to come to an end. I am catastrophising about this so much.
Most people where I work have worked from home since 2020. But now they are asking for everybody to come back into the office. They are trying to make it sound like it's for our benefit and that we should want to.
It puts me in a difficult position because working in the office was hell for me and it's what led to my last major burnout and depressive episode that ended in a suicide attempt. I obviously haven't told anyone that at work.
I am not very good at standing up for myself or telling people what I want, so although I tried to resist and say I didn't want to come in, my boss has said that he's expecting me to come in once per month and he thinks I've agreed to that because I didn't contradict it when he said it.
I don't even live near the office any more because I moved away - I live more than an hour away. I know once per month doesn't sound like much and it's less than they're asking of most people but for me I know it might tip me over and back into a depression. I'm already in burnout just from having a full time job working from home.
I don't have my autism diagnosis yet and I also haven't told where I work that I'm autistic (or suspecting) and I don't think I would tell them because I don't want them to change how they think of me, but that's hypocritical because I'm also expecting special treatment (to not come into the office when everyone else will).
I don't know what to do and I just keep thinking about quitting, even though that will undoubtedly make my life worse. Even if I manage to find another job working remotely it will be a huge amount of effort and change and I don't do well with change. Perhaps forcing myself to go into the office once per month would be less effort than quitting and finding another job?
Working in an office and commuting and going into a city gives me bad sensory overload and I struggle with the social aspects. But the other big barrier for me is my chronic insomnia. It takes me on average 4 hours to fall asleep, and I usually fall asleep between 4 or 5am. To do a 90 minute commute in the morning, I will have to operate on basically no sleep. And then I'd be getting home probably after 8pm. This will be pure hell for me, but I missed my opportunity to speak up for myself multiple times now.
I'm sorry, I'm just venting because I don't know what to do. The whole situation is once again caused by me failing to communicate effectively. Why was it so difficult for me to just say to my boss "no I don't want to come into the office". I've already missed so many opportunities to speak up.
When bad news is sprung on me I don't know how to react in the moment and it takes me a while to process it, but to other people it appears like I'm silently acquiescing and have no issues because I just say things like "OK". I know I'm very verbose via text but in person I'm usually monosyllabic or silent because I need time to process the information coming in and think about how to reply.
Bless you, I got my formal diagnosis last year year and had a ‘bad time’ at the mid-end of the year which meant me needing time off work. Understanding & processing my diagnosis has taken its toll but I’m learning a lot about myself and adjusting my life to be kinder on myself. I was offered to work from home full time but just come in for monthly team meetings and when I need to conduct supervisions etc (I like coming in for these things so I can keep up to date in person but I am unable to do any work whilst in the office)
except….Ive now been asked to come in 2-4 days a week to work in the office. I like you catastrophise like nobody's business as I feel like they understood me before and heard me (I even got praise as I’m a high achiever) but now I feel like I’m not allowed to be me/audhd anymore and I need to be more like them but I just can’t. I offered to visit the new office next week so I can review it for myself before discussing further and they’ve accepted that but I keep having various managers tell me how much I’ll like it and how good it is so it feels like they’re talking about me) I’ve heard the office noise in the background of calls I’m making to them there so it doesn’t bode well. I just want you to know you’re not alone, we must advocate for ourselfs in order to stay alive and to stay part of the 20% of ASD humans in work.
perhaps arrange a dummy run on the basis that it is exactly that, and a trial to review how it is in reality and that you will submit your findings/discuss a few days after to see what is reasonable for you.
it hurts my brain to feel so misunderstood and not properly heard, sending you the best cosy quiet vibes of solidarity
That worked for me, but I have a formal diagnosis from PsychiatryUK. The Equality act of 2010 does not cover self diagnosis.
Paper can you get a formal diagnosis?
Paper said:This will be pure hell for me, but I missed my opportunity to speak up for myself multiple times now. I'm sorry, I'm just venting because I don't know what to do. The whole situation is once again caused by me failing to communicate effectively. Why was it so difficult for me to just say to my boss "no I don't want to come into the office". I've already missed so many opportunities to speak up. When bad news is sprung on me I don't know how to react in the moment and it takes me a while to process it, but to other people it appears like I'm silently acquiescing and have no issues because I just say things like "OK". I know I'm very verbose via text but in person I'm usually monosyllabic or silent because I need time to process the information coming in and think about how to reply.
This will be pure hell for me, but I missed my opportunity to speak up for myself multiple times now.
Don't beat yourself up about this. It is common for autistic people to struggle with verbal communication and to need extra time to process things, especially change. I certainly do.
It you had spoken up at the time you would probably still be beating yourself for not saying the right things. You still have an opportunity to deal with the situation and have the benefit of using a communication method that works for you.
You can compose a letter or email explaining all of the reasons why such an arrangement would be difficult for you. You can take your time over it and be able to say exactly what you want to say. Hopefully your boss will be understanding but if not at least you'll know you tried and can stop beating yourself up about it.
Paper said:Perhaps forcing myself to go into the office once per month would be less effort than quitting and finding another job?
That is very true.
If your boss does still expect you to put in an appearance you might not need to be there for the whole day. Perhaps you could request reduced hours that day, so that you're using public transport at quieter times and it fits in better with your sleep routine. You could make up any missing hours at home during the rest of the month.
Paper said:It puts me in a difficult position because working in the office was hell for me and it's what led to my last major burnout
Commuting and working in open plan offices for years was hell for me too and eventually led to a major burnout. One day a month would have been bliss in comparison but home working wasn't a thing back then.
When you have been in burnout then regression can occur. You may no longer be able to do some things you used to be able to. I think you're right to be cautious about something that might tip you back into major burnout and depression.
Good luck. I hope you do manage to agree on a solution that works for you.
Paper said: my boss has said that he's expecting me to come in once per month
That should be easy to adapt to for one day in thirty. Change your routine for the day and take some seep aid (anyihystimine perhaps) and it will address the sleep issue. If you were able to do it in the past more often then I feel you will be able to managed a much reduced version of this.
There is no real avoiding the social issues unfortunatey, but keep yourself isolated on the commute (headphones and a book perhaps) to keep people away from chatting to you.
Paper said:Why was it so difficult for me to just say to my boss "no I don't want to come into the office". I've already missed so many opportunities to speak up.
Then address it now. Write that email asking for it not to apply to you. Tell them of your autism and your pending assessment (go private if you have to) and don't procrastinate.Set reminders on your phone to chase the assessment, ask your GP for the "right to choose" if you haven't already and follow up weekly.
You know what you should be doing so maybe get your partner, close family member or friend to help you close this issue with your emoloyer and take the load off your mind.
They may just refuse the request but then you know you don't have to be chasing the request or the assessment in the background so it removes that stress ad you can deal with finding ways to cope witth your wonderfully spaced commute.
I hated being forced to work from home because of the pandemic. I’ve become incredibly isolated because of it - it was my only social contact.
My company has encouraged people to come back in but isn’t mandating it. It’s been so long though that they’ve given up around 2/3 of the space in my local office and, ironically, more and more people now want back into the office and there isn’t enough space.
Yeah, that's standard control freak capitalism. Make it look like it's for the good of everyone, when in reality they just want people sitting in their expensive real estate while everyone commutes vast distances for no reason. The only people it suits is them and their pathetic agendas.
If you're ASD you can make a formal request for a reasonable workplace adjustment: https://www.acas.org.uk/requests-for-home-and-hybrid-working
There's also The Employment Relations (Flexible Working) Act 2023 - this should come about in 2024 at some point.
Once that gets in you have the right to make 2 requests every 12 months for flexible working adjustments: https://www.cipd.org/uk/views-and-insights/thought-leadership/cipd-voice/master-thought-leadership-uk/. Being autistic, under The Equality Act 2010 they're on dubious ground if they say no to, at the very least, hybrid working.
Basically, don't make it easy for these arrogant control freaks. It doesn't suit anyone's agenda but their own and they're always these overpaid, overprivileged brats who have little comprehension of modern life or employee struggles.
I'm going through this right now with job interviews and one of them expects me in every day of the week. For a writing job. I've raised the above with them. Waiting to see how they respond.
Paper said:They are trying to make it sound like it's for our benefit and that we should want to.
There's also The Employment Relations (Flexible Working) Act 2023.
You have the right to make 2 requests every 12 months for flexible working adjustments: https://www.cipd.org/uk/views-and-insights/thought-leadership/cipd-voice/master-thought-leadership-uk/. Being autistic, under The Equality Act 2010 they're on dubious ground if they say no to, at the very least, hybrid working.
Basically, don't make it easy for these arrogant pricks. It doesn't suit anyone's agenda but their own and they're always these overpaid, overprivileged brats who have little comprehension of modern life or employee struggles.