Published on 12, July, 2020
I knew I had it too good for too long and it had to come to an end. I am catastrophising about this so much.
Most people where I work have worked from home since 2020. But now they are asking for everybody to come back into the office. They are trying to make it sound like it's for our benefit and that we should want to.
It puts me in a difficult position because working in the office was hell for me and it's what led to my last major burnout and depressive episode that ended in a suicide attempt. I obviously haven't told anyone that at work.
I am not very good at standing up for myself or telling people what I want, so although I tried to resist and say I didn't want to come in, my boss has said that he's expecting me to come in once per month and he thinks I've agreed to that because I didn't contradict it when he said it.
I don't even live near the office any more because I moved away - I live more than an hour away. I know once per month doesn't sound like much and it's less than they're asking of most people but for me I know it might tip me over and back into a depression. I'm already in burnout just from having a full time job working from home.
I don't have my autism diagnosis yet and I also haven't told where I work that I'm autistic (or suspecting) and I don't think I would tell them because I don't want them to change how they think of me, but that's hypocritical because I'm also expecting special treatment (to not come into the office when everyone else will).
I don't know what to do and I just keep thinking about quitting, even though that will undoubtedly make my life worse. Even if I manage to find another job working remotely it will be a huge amount of effort and change and I don't do well with change. Perhaps forcing myself to go into the office once per month would be less effort than quitting and finding another job?
Working in an office and commuting and going into a city gives me bad sensory overload and I struggle with the social aspects. But the other big barrier for me is my chronic insomnia. It takes me on average 4 hours to fall asleep, and I usually fall asleep between 4 or 5am. To do a 90 minute commute in the morning, I will have to operate on basically no sleep. And then I'd be getting home probably after 8pm. This will be pure hell for me, but I missed my opportunity to speak up for myself multiple times now.
I'm sorry, I'm just venting because I don't know what to do. The whole situation is once again caused by me failing to communicate effectively. Why was it so difficult for me to just say to my boss "no I don't want to come into the office". I've already missed so many opportunities to speak up.
When bad news is sprung on me I don't know how to react in the moment and it takes me a while to process it, but to other people it appears like I'm silently acquiescing and have no issues because I just say things like "OK". I know I'm very verbose via text but in person I'm usually monosyllabic or silent because I need time to process the information coming in and think about how to reply.
Paper said:This will be pure hell for me, but I missed my opportunity to speak up for myself multiple times now. I'm sorry, I'm just venting because I don't know what to do. The whole situation is once again caused by me failing to communicate effectively. Why was it so difficult for me to just say to my boss "no I don't want to come into the office". I've already missed so many opportunities to speak up. When bad news is sprung on me I don't know how to react in the moment and it takes me a while to process it, but to other people it appears like I'm silently acquiescing and have no issues because I just say things like "OK". I know I'm very verbose via text but in person I'm usually monosyllabic or silent because I need time to process the information coming in and think about how to reply.
This will be pure hell for me, but I missed my opportunity to speak up for myself multiple times now.
Don't beat yourself up about this. It is common for autistic people to struggle with verbal communication and to need extra time to process things, especially change. I certainly do.
It you had spoken up at the time you would probably still be beating yourself for not saying the right things. You still have an opportunity to deal with the situation and have the benefit of using a communication method that works for you.
You can compose a letter or email explaining all of the reasons why such an arrangement would be difficult for you. You can take your time over it and be able to say exactly what you want to say. Hopefully your boss will be understanding but if not at least you'll know you tried and can stop beating yourself up about it.
Paper said:Perhaps forcing myself to go into the office once per month would be less effort than quitting and finding another job?
That is very true.
If your boss does still expect you to put in an appearance you might not need to be there for the whole day. Perhaps you could request reduced hours that day, so that you're using public transport at quieter times and it fits in better with your sleep routine. You could make up any missing hours at home during the rest of the month.
Paper said:It puts me in a difficult position because working in the office was hell for me and it's what led to my last major burnout
Commuting and working in open plan offices for years was hell for me too and eventually led to a major burnout. One day a month would have been bliss in comparison but home working wasn't a thing back then.
When you have been in burnout then regression can occur. You may no longer be able to do some things you used to be able to. I think you're right to be cautious about something that might tip you back into major burnout and depression.
Good luck. I hope you do manage to agree on a solution that works for you.