Published on 12, July, 2020
I knew I had it too good for too long and it had to come to an end. I am catastrophising about this so much.
Most people where I work have worked from home since 2020. But now they are asking for everybody to come back into the office. They are trying to make it sound like it's for our benefit and that we should want to.
It puts me in a difficult position because working in the office was hell for me and it's what led to my last major burnout and depressive episode that ended in a suicide attempt. I obviously haven't told anyone that at work.
I am not very good at standing up for myself or telling people what I want, so although I tried to resist and say I didn't want to come in, my boss has said that he's expecting me to come in once per month and he thinks I've agreed to that because I didn't contradict it when he said it.
I don't even live near the office any more because I moved away - I live more than an hour away. I know once per month doesn't sound like much and it's less than they're asking of most people but for me I know it might tip me over and back into a depression. I'm already in burnout just from having a full time job working from home.
I don't have my autism diagnosis yet and I also haven't told where I work that I'm autistic (or suspecting) and I don't think I would tell them because I don't want them to change how they think of me, but that's hypocritical because I'm also expecting special treatment (to not come into the office when everyone else will).
I don't know what to do and I just keep thinking about quitting, even though that will undoubtedly make my life worse. Even if I manage to find another job working remotely it will be a huge amount of effort and change and I don't do well with change. Perhaps forcing myself to go into the office once per month would be less effort than quitting and finding another job?
Working in an office and commuting and going into a city gives me bad sensory overload and I struggle with the social aspects. But the other big barrier for me is my chronic insomnia. It takes me on average 4 hours to fall asleep, and I usually fall asleep between 4 or 5am. To do a 90 minute commute in the morning, I will have to operate on basically no sleep. And then I'd be getting home probably after 8pm. This will be pure hell for me, but I missed my opportunity to speak up for myself multiple times now.
I'm sorry, I'm just venting because I don't know what to do. The whole situation is once again caused by me failing to communicate effectively. Why was it so difficult for me to just say to my boss "no I don't want to come into the office". I've already missed so many opportunities to speak up.
When bad news is sprung on me I don't know how to react in the moment and it takes me a while to process it, but to other people it appears like I'm silently acquiescing and have no issues because I just say things like "OK". I know I'm very verbose via text but in person I'm usually monosyllabic or silent because I need time to process the information coming in and think about how to reply.
Bless you, I got my formal diagnosis last year year and had a ‘bad time’ at the mid-end of the year which meant me needing time off work. Understanding & processing my diagnosis has taken its toll but I’m learning a lot about myself and adjusting my life to be kinder on myself. I was offered to work from home full time but just come in for monthly team meetings and when I need to conduct supervisions etc (I like coming in for these things so I can keep up to date in person but I am unable to do any work whilst in the office)
except….Ive now been asked to come in 2-4 days a week to work in the office. I like you catastrophise like nobody's business as I feel like they understood me before and heard me (I even got praise as I’m a high achiever) but now I feel like I’m not allowed to be me/audhd anymore and I need to be more like them but I just can’t. I offered to visit the new office next week so I can review it for myself before discussing further and they’ve accepted that but I keep having various managers tell me how much I’ll like it and how good it is so it feels like they’re talking about me) I’ve heard the office noise in the background of calls I’m making to them there so it doesn’t bode well. I just want you to know you’re not alone, we must advocate for ourselfs in order to stay alive and to stay part of the 20% of ASD humans in work.
perhaps arrange a dummy run on the basis that it is exactly that, and a trial to review how it is in reality and that you will submit your findings/discuss a few days after to see what is reasonable for you.
it hurts my brain to feel so misunderstood and not properly heard, sending you the best cosy quiet vibes of solidarity