Struggling with self-hatred

I was already in the cycle but it became 1000x worse earlier in the year, and the frustrating part for me is that I had people who liked me and supported me then, and I didn't realise it. But my actions drove everyone away. I think the combination of pretty much everything has made it so much harder to move past it.

My irrational fears/thoughts don't feel irrational which doesn't help either. 

Important to focus on the good things and ignore that 'voice' because your negative voice never has anything good to say, so it needs to be disregarded. It sounds like you've been in this cycle of negativity for some time and it's also important to note that getting out of the negative cycle isn't an overnight thing. It will come but not straight away. It takes time, sometimes lots of time, but things do change for the better. There's no magic cure, only you can change things and help yourself.

I still have bad days, we all do, that's a part of life but you need to pick yourself when this happens and remind yourself that you're doing ok. You're still fighting and whilst you're fighting you are still winning this battle.

Thank you. I have moments here and there where I can be a bit level-headed and at least try and be rational about all these things that I fear will happen and so on, but other times I fall rather deep into that rabbit hole.

Even when I talk about the things I like about myself, I can't get the voice out of my head that's telling me I'm completely wrong.

I hope you have a very happy Christmas.

Hello. I'm sorry to read you feel this way. This is something I suffered with from when I was in my early teens. I had it in bouts and sometimes it lasted long periods of times. One thing I did that helped me with this battle is force myself to look in the mirror and point out everything I liked about myself, appearance or otherwise and then I would say one thing I i hate about myself and what I could do to change it, or realise that I couldn't change it and try to accept it.

This is something I read about doing and it does actually help me, so I do recommend giving it a try. It might not help but there's a chance it will. I didn't really think much of my self hatred until I fell pregnant the first time and realised I needed to be 100% to look after my child.

I hope things get better for you. X.

That's fair. I'd find it hard to actively hate another individual because of the amount of energy that would take out of me, plus it would probably imply that I do still care about them to some degree.

I think what gets me is this general 'domino effect', and I've seen it happen to loads of people. Something will be said about an individual (true or not) and that's taken as gospel. No grace given to them at all.

The forgiving myself is something I'm finding hard because I don't feel strong enough to stand on my own two feet and say "this is who I am now, and it's not the same person I was a year ago" because I don't think anyone wants to hear it. The internet has this general sense of "this person made a mistake and therefore they should be wiped off the face of the earth" and I know it's not like that in real life, but it's (sadly) a very powerful movement.

I never really considered it was burnout because the last 7 months have been a totally normal response (for me anyway) to a horrible situation. 

I've revelled in it because switching off is something I find a lot harder than I ever did, and there's fewer positive things to pick up the slack. 

There's only one person I've spoken to on a personal level who I think truly understands what's going through my head and that's my therapist. Better than no one, I guess, but I've long since accepted that I'll be feeling this way for quite some time. The last thing I want to do is rush it, especially when there are some feelings of grief involved.

One thing I’ve learned in life is that other people - especially those who only “know” us via social media - rarely have the interest, energy or attention span to think enough about us to actively hate us and even if they did, they’re just anonymous people on the internet who have a very two dimensional knowledge of who we really are. Their opinions really have no value.

So you may well feel alone and unloved - and I can really sympathise with that - but nobody that matters hates you - except perhaps yourself.

You need to forgive yourself for whatever transgressions you have made and move on, because you can’t change the past.

This is burnout and meltdown. It's important to recognise this as such and be aware when it happens.

You need to deliberately de-stress and / or remove yourself from a stressful situation.

I learned that meltdowns are not just your stereotypical tantrums you think of. They are an aggressive reaction to stress. This aggression can be directed to oneself.

Happy Christmas to you too 

x

Ultimately, just aim to force that nagging voice of self-doubt from your mind and focus on your strengths.

Only you can do that. But it's worth noting if you go around wallowing in self-pity, people's patience will wear out over time and you become an annoyance. Find the inner strength and determination to push through to greater things.

Thanks for this!

x

I've just had a nasty little week of something similar which kicked off on Tuesday.

Marked by a shift to a very negative feelings and worldview it's been quiet impossible to be "nice" & productive right when things need me to be "nice". I have managed to keep to my bed during the worst parts, and be as co-operative as possible when I've been able to be active.   

Now I know that moral relativism is all the norm these days, and even at this time of year one should be careful about mentioning Good and Evil let alone that one can obtain relief form Evil simply by the act of asking for it, but to me this aspect of the condition that you and others here describe as autism or meltdown presents itself in me as an attack of Evil, nothing more, a period where all looks bleak and unworkable, where I feel like a pawn in someone else's game. During periods like this Christianity comes in very useful, simply as a framework to try and keep to until I get all of myself back.

There's simply no logical reason to "hate yourself" AND there's  half a world of people out there all willing to step up and hate you simply for holding the wrong political ideas in your head. I do hate some of the things I do or have done, because they aren't very elegant or nice or gracious etc. (And a few things I have done have been horrible to be honest, but most have faded into the decades)

Well, a basic idea behind Christianity is that one can "pray for a miracle", and if it fits the plan you'll likely get one. (There's always an "out" in belief systems somewhere, because if praying got you everything you wanted then everyone would be doing it, not just the satanists..) I'll pray and ask Jesus to lift your suffering (for that is what it is, "suffering", even if you suspect you are coming to enjoy it, and I've wondered about that, but I've trained myself to remember the good times, so I don;t loose my perspective completely when my reality seems to go bad.) 

Happy Christmas to all who read this. 

I'll be the first to admit that I care too much about what people think about me, which is why I feel like I have little control over myself.

When you have had thousands of people online telling you how much of an awful person you are (however true), it validates all of that self hatred. I could ask myself "why does their opinion matter" but there's the matter of influence. Mob mentality if you like. I think it's hard for anyone to come away from that not feeling like they're a bad person, especially if there's next to no one fighting their corner.

I am well aware that I'm not particularly fun to be around at the moment, but I've not fully allowed myself to 'feel' just yet. I don't feel welcome or like anyone wants me.

I am creative and I am in the process of doing some shadowing work with a theatre but it's scary putting myself back out there again. I've become arguably too comfortable with hiding away from the world. 

HMO said:

I am a worse person than Hitler

Yeah, comparing yourself to a far-right, genocidal maniac (and one of the most evil people in history) is overdoing it a tad.

I've had this self-hatred thing and still struggle with it regularly. The older I've got, the easier it is to manage. Although I can have plunges back into it. Frankly, I'd say a sense of humility is important. Not viewing yourself as the most important person in the world is a very positive magnanimous trait and one the world needs more of. Especially in the face of such relentless, mindless individualism and capitalist greed.

Why not get some more control in your life over certain things?

Are you creative? Start a blog or a podcast. That way you have total creative control over it and it's your project. That can help build your self-confidence. Ultimately, just aim to force that nagging voice of self-doubt from your mind and focus on your strengths.

Only you can do that. But it's worth noting if you go around wallowing in self-pity, people's patience will wear out over time and you become an annoyance. Find the inner strength and determination to push through to greater things.