Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel I've gone nuclear with this over the last few months. I've made lots of mistakes in my life and blown every opportunity I've ever had.
I have had people tell me that it's not actually helping me, but the truth is I almost enjoy it. It's the one thing in my life at the moment I feel I have control over in a way. Also, I am rather used to ending up with egg on my face if I try and be positive, because I don't want to go to that extreme of confusing confidence with cockiness.
However, I'm all too comfortable with going to the other extreme of convincing myself that the world hates me and will always hate me, and that I am a worse person than Hitler. If you asked me why I think that, I would probably be able to rattle off reasons why I believe that to be the case.
Anyone saying "you need to move on" doesn't help. Anyone telling me that they're proud of me or that they believe in me doesn't help either because I don't know if they're being honest or just kind.
It's not been a happy time. There's already been the "who'd miss me when I'm gone" but now it's ramped up to 100.
Hello. I'm sorry to read you feel this way. This is something I suffered with from when I was in my early teens. I had it in bouts and sometimes it lasted long periods of times. One thing I did that helped me with this battle is force myself to look in the mirror and point out everything I liked about myself, appearance or otherwise and then I would say one thing I i hate about myself and what I could do to change it, or realise that I couldn't change it and try to accept it.
This is something I read about doing and it does actually help me, so I do recommend giving it a try. It might not help but there's a chance it will. I didn't really think much of my self hatred until I fell pregnant the first time and realised I needed to be 100% to look after my child.
I hope things get better for you. X.
Thank you. I have moments here and there where I can be a bit level-headed and at least try and be rational about all these things that I fear will happen and so on, but other times I fall rather deep into that rabbit hole.
Even when I talk about the things I like about myself, I can't get the voice out of my head that's telling me I'm completely wrong.
I was already in the cycle but it became 1000x worse earlier in the year, and the frustrating part for me is that I had people who liked me and supported me then, and I didn't realise it. But my actions drove everyone away. I think the combination of pretty much everything has made it so much harder to move past it.
My irrational fears/thoughts don't feel irrational which doesn't help either.
Important to focus on the good things and ignore that 'voice' because your negative voice never has anything good to say, so it needs to be disregarded. It sounds like you've been in this cycle of negativity for some time and it's also important to note that getting out of the negative cycle isn't an overnight thing. It will come but not straight away. It takes time, sometimes lots of time, but things do change for the better. There's no magic cure, only you can change things and help yourself.
I still have bad days, we all do, that's a part of life but you need to pick yourself when this happens and remind yourself that you're doing ok. You're still fighting and whilst you're fighting you are still winning this battle.