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Struggling with self-hatred

HMO
9 months ago

I feel I've gone nuclear with this over the last few months. I've made lots of mistakes in my life and blown every opportunity I've ever had.

I have had people tell me that it's not actually helping me, but the truth is I almost enjoy it. It's the one thing in my life at the moment I feel I have control over in a way. Also, I am rather used to ending up with egg on my face if I try and be positive, because I don't want to go to that extreme of confusing confidence with cockiness.

However, I'm all too comfortable with going to the other extreme of convincing myself that the world hates me and will always hate me, and that I am a worse person than Hitler. If you asked me why I think that, I would probably be able to rattle off reasons why I believe that to be the case.

Anyone saying "you need to move on" doesn't help. Anyone telling me that they're proud of me or that they believe in me doesn't help either because I don't know if they're being honest or just kind.

It's not been a happy time. There's already been the "who'd miss me when I'm gone" but now it's ramped up to 100.

Parents
  • 9 months ago

    I've just had a nasty little week of something similar which kicked off on Tuesday.

    Marked by a shift to a very negative feelings and worldview it's been quiet impossible to be "nice" & productive right when things need me to be "nice". I have managed to keep to my bed during the worst parts, and be as co-operative as possible when I've been able to be active.   

    Now I know that moral relativism is all the norm these days, and even at this time of year one should be careful about mentioning Good and Evil let alone that one can obtain relief form Evil simply by the act of asking for it, but to me this aspect of the condition that you and others here describe as autism or meltdown presents itself in me as an attack of Evil, nothing more, a period where all looks bleak and unworkable, where I feel like a pawn in someone else's game. During periods like this Christianity comes in very useful, simply as a framework to try and keep to until I get all of myself back.

    There's simply no logical reason to "hate yourself" AND there's  half a world of people out there all willing to step up and hate you simply for holding the wrong political ideas in your head. I do hate some of the things I do or have done, because they aren't very elegant or nice or gracious etc. (And a few things I have done have been horrible to be honest, but most have faded into the decades)

    Well, a basic idea behind Christianity is that one can "pray for a miracle", and if it fits the plan you'll likely get one. (There's always an "out" in belief systems somewhere, because if praying got you everything you wanted then everyone would be doing it, not just the satanists..) I'll pray and ask Jesus to lift your suffering (for that is what it is, "suffering", even if you suspect you are coming to enjoy it, and I've wondered about that, but I've trained myself to remember the good times, so I don;t loose my perspective completely when my reality seems to go bad.) 

    Happy Christmas to all who read this. 

Reply
  • 9 months ago

    I've just had a nasty little week of something similar which kicked off on Tuesday.

    Marked by a shift to a very negative feelings and worldview it's been quiet impossible to be "nice" & productive right when things need me to be "nice". I have managed to keep to my bed during the worst parts, and be as co-operative as possible when I've been able to be active.   

    Now I know that moral relativism is all the norm these days, and even at this time of year one should be careful about mentioning Good and Evil let alone that one can obtain relief form Evil simply by the act of asking for it, but to me this aspect of the condition that you and others here describe as autism or meltdown presents itself in me as an attack of Evil, nothing more, a period where all looks bleak and unworkable, where I feel like a pawn in someone else's game. During periods like this Christianity comes in very useful, simply as a framework to try and keep to until I get all of myself back.

    There's simply no logical reason to "hate yourself" AND there's  half a world of people out there all willing to step up and hate you simply for holding the wrong political ideas in your head. I do hate some of the things I do or have done, because they aren't very elegant or nice or gracious etc. (And a few things I have done have been horrible to be honest, but most have faded into the decades)

    Well, a basic idea behind Christianity is that one can "pray for a miracle", and if it fits the plan you'll likely get one. (There's always an "out" in belief systems somewhere, because if praying got you everything you wanted then everyone would be doing it, not just the satanists..) I'll pray and ask Jesus to lift your suffering (for that is what it is, "suffering", even if you suspect you are coming to enjoy it, and I've wondered about that, but I've trained myself to remember the good times, so I don;t loose my perspective completely when my reality seems to go bad.) 

    Happy Christmas to all who read this. 

Children