Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel I've gone nuclear with this over the last few months. I've made lots of mistakes in my life and blown every opportunity I've ever had.
I have had people tell me that it's not actually helping me, but the truth is I almost enjoy it. It's the one thing in my life at the moment I feel I have control over in a way. Also, I am rather used to ending up with egg on my face if I try and be positive, because I don't want to go to that extreme of confusing confidence with cockiness.
However, I'm all too comfortable with going to the other extreme of convincing myself that the world hates me and will always hate me, and that I am a worse person than Hitler. If you asked me why I think that, I would probably be able to rattle off reasons why I believe that to be the case.
Anyone saying "you need to move on" doesn't help. Anyone telling me that they're proud of me or that they believe in me doesn't help either because I don't know if they're being honest or just kind.
It's not been a happy time. There's already been the "who'd miss me when I'm gone" but now it's ramped up to 100.
This is burnout and meltdown. It's important to recognise this as such and be aware when it happens.
You need to deliberately de-stress and / or remove yourself from a stressful situation.
I learned that meltdowns are not just your stereotypical tantrums you think of. They are an aggressive reaction to stress. This aggression can be directed to oneself.
I never really considered it was burnout because the last 7 months have been a totally normal response (for me anyway) to a horrible situation.
I've revelled in it because switching off is something I find a lot harder than I ever did, and there's fewer positive things to pick up the slack.
There's only one person I've spoken to on a personal level who I think truly understands what's going through my head and that's my therapist. Better than no one, I guess, but I've long since accepted that I'll be feeling this way for quite some time. The last thing I want to do is rush it, especially when there are some feelings of grief involved.