Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi my name is Rachel and I’m 32 and I have ASD. I am dating a guy who is 42 who is also on the spectrum but the issue is he has never had a girlfriend whereas I have been in a relationship twice before. My boyfriend really struggles being with me he has feelings for me and he wants to be in a relationship with me but he is so used to single life he struggles to accept that he is in relationship. He says he really not used to it and is afraid he won’t be able to cope. How can I reassure him that it will get easier and to help him with such a big change in his life? I know things can work out well between us he is such a great person but it’s just getting him used to being in a relationship with me sometimes causes issues. How can we both overcome this?
It may work, but it's not guaranteed to.
I was in a relationship with someone 30 years ago and we had 2 marriages arranged (with each other ) and lived together twice but it didn't work out.
We went to Relate for counselling too and that's when we decided to split up.
Communication between us was very hard.
He found/finds it very difficult to be with someone for any length of time, let alone live together in the same house, no matter how much he loves them and there was a huge difficulty with change.
We brought a house together and the change from his old circumstances caused him great stress.
I did my best to accommodate his needs such as leaving him alone for an hour after work and him having rooms just for himself ie his separate refuge.
We have now been friends for 28 years and he is still single although what he considers his most successful relationship was with someone who lives abroad (telling I think).
He was diagnosed with autism around a decade ago, me 16 months ago.
I wish you all the very best.
The older we get, the more likely I think we are to become set in our ways.
You have the advantage of knowing what it is like to be in a relationship, but your man-friend doesn't. To him, the prospect of going from being a single man to being one-half of a couple probably seems rather terrifying. I think all you can do is try to be patient and take things at a pace that you both feel comfortable with.
It sounds from what you have stated that you communicate well with each other, and also enjoy each other's company enough to share mutual feelings, which I feel is promising.
Thanks this has been a huge help me and my boyfriend are great together we have our moments like most couples and the feelings are definitely there. He just needs to move on from single life but I understand that will be a challenge for him.
OMG, this takes me back to when I was that boyfriend, and worse had no idea that I was on the spectrum.
I'd like to tell him it's all going to be fine, but in truth it is HARD to make the adjustments from living on your own, to living with someone else, and if you are Autistic, even harder.
I had to give up a great deal of my personal power and ability to direct my own life, whilst simultaneously grappling with the skills required to simply get along with (and hopefully make happy) another person).
BUT it IS doable, and you both sound like you are committed to each other, and learning how to live and love is ALWAYS worth the candle, so good luck to you.
So, like your boyfriend, I have also been single all my life and I have often wondered if I push people away because I’m frightened I don’t “have room” in my life for someone else or because it all seems so much effort to change.
Your boyfriend may have similar worries.
It sounds like you really care about him though, and you both want it to work so maybe he just needs time to adjust?
Regardless, you’ve given me hope