Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey.
i haven’t posted in a while, but have had a horrific day (and few weeks) and just I think wanted to feel less alone. I don’t know any autistic adults in real life and I find it so hard to explain to other people how I am feeling, especially as some know about my diagnosis and others don’t.
I work full time, and I am beginning to understand why only 19% of autistic adults are in employment. I just feel like I can’t do it at the moment. I’ve recently been off sick for six weeks, returned to work and I feel like everyday is getting worse. I feel in a constant state of overwhelm. I was only diagnosed a few months ago, but feel like I am getting more and more autistic as time goes on! Is that even a thing?! What’s going on??
I feel so frustrated ALL the time. I have a massive sense of injustice, cannot cope with people not following the rules or not doing what they’re meant to, and no one else seems to care! I cannot understand why managers etc do not deal with things, why they don’t dealt with incompetence or people not doing what they are asked to. I HATE that I care so much. That I get too involved. My brain does not ever stop. I have OCD as well as autism and struggle massively with obsessive thoughts and it’s all just too much. I cannot keep doing it.
i literally broke down sobbing today in the toilets and was sent home. This keeps happening. I’ve recently got into full blown shouting matches with colleagues in front of the whole office. It’s horrible, embarrassing, shameful. I am crying so much. Then I overthink and don’t sleep.
i cannot deal with the way I think about things, having a total lack of control over other people. I can’t explain to managers why I am constantly causing problems or raising issues because I just CANNOT let things go.
I don’t even know why I’m posting really. Maybe it will help getting it all out and will help me sleep. I’m Just at my wits end.
Sloan said:I’ve recently been off sick for six weeks, returned to work and I feel like everyday is getting worse. I feel in a constant state of overwhelm.
Perhaps you need to examine the factors that contributed to you taking the time off in the first place. I'm assuming it was autistic burnout as a result of work and that's very unlikely to resolve in six weeks. The stresses and pressures at work that caused the burnout are still there when you return.
Returning to the same environment without additional accommodations risks you entering a burnout cycle. Each successive burnout can happen quicker and become progressively harder to come back from.
Sloan said:I have put in a request to reduce my hours, so waiting for the go ahead from HR.
That sounds like a good plan and hopefully your request will be approved. Throwing yourself straight back in the same situation and expecting a different result is not realistic. With reduced hours it should be more achievable.
There is a useful article here on recovery from burnout. You've done the initial immediate recovery phase by six weeks of self care. What comes next is the sustained recovery phase, trying to create a 'new normal' that is sustainable and won't send you right back into severe burnout.
https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/autistic-burnout-recovery
Thankyou. That is all good advice.
My reduced hours got approved today by HR so I’m hoping that that change will actually be a practical step in helping.
I was told to take much longer off work by my GP and my therapist and I didn’t listen, and now am totally regretting my decision to go back. thanks for the link, I’ll take a look :)