Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey.
i haven’t posted in a while, but have had a horrific day (and few weeks) and just I think wanted to feel less alone. I don’t know any autistic adults in real life and I find it so hard to explain to other people how I am feeling, especially as some know about my diagnosis and others don’t.
I work full time, and I am beginning to understand why only 19% of autistic adults are in employment. I just feel like I can’t do it at the moment. I’ve recently been off sick for six weeks, returned to work and I feel like everyday is getting worse. I feel in a constant state of overwhelm. I was only diagnosed a few months ago, but feel like I am getting more and more autistic as time goes on! Is that even a thing?! What’s going on??
I feel so frustrated ALL the time. I have a massive sense of injustice, cannot cope with people not following the rules or not doing what they’re meant to, and no one else seems to care! I cannot understand why managers etc do not deal with things, why they don’t dealt with incompetence or people not doing what they are asked to. I HATE that I care so much. That I get too involved. My brain does not ever stop. I have OCD as well as autism and struggle massively with obsessive thoughts and it’s all just too much. I cannot keep doing it.
i literally broke down sobbing today in the toilets and was sent home. This keeps happening. I’ve recently got into full blown shouting matches with colleagues in front of the whole office. It’s horrible, embarrassing, shameful. I am crying so much. Then I overthink and don’t sleep.
i cannot deal with the way I think about things, having a total lack of control over other people. I can’t explain to managers why I am constantly causing problems or raising issues because I just CANNOT let things go.
I don’t even know why I’m posting really. Maybe it will help getting it all out and will help me sleep. I’m Just at my wits end.
Hey Sloan, I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time just now.
Do you have a therapist you can speak to or could you approach your GP.
I was utterly overwhelmed the last two Decembers and ended up on sick leave for several weeks each time. But this year I’ve been in therapy and on medication (which I hope to stop soon) and while I can’t say everything is now perfect, I do think I’m going to make it to February without sick leave.
Sometimes we just need a little help and compassion.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I am so lucky to have a therapist who specialises in autism in female adults who I am seeing regularly. I wonder if because my diagnosis is still so new I’m still trying to process all of the emotions that come with that, as well as managing everyday life and coping with all my autistic quirks and needs and it’s just all too much for my brain to handle. I really don’t want to go off sick, but I know I cannot continue as I am. I have put in a request to reduce my hours, so waiting for the go ahead from HR. im so glad you have found something that works for you, that’s so positive for you! Is there something particularly around this time of year that you struggle with? I do think the lead up to the festive period is a whole other load of pressure to deal with!
I’m glad to hear you have someone to talk to. I was quite sceptical about therapy for a long time but I feel like the gears in my brain are finally starting to shift and I now really value my Monday sessions.
My mental health journey began at the end of 2020. I think I’d been just barely coping most of my adult life and lockdown just pushed me beyond my limit. I don’t know why it recurred at the end of 2021 and 2022 though. Maybe the lack of daylight and the reflective thoughts many people have at the end of the year?
But I can really empathise with your current position. It’s not quite six months since I was diagnosed and I know it will take a long while yet to wrap my head around it.
Reducing hours is an excellent idea. I considered it earlier this year and have it as a backstop if I start to struggle too much again. In the meantime I’m making little adjustments to try to improve things (headphones and loops have changed my life and people now know that if I’m in a face to face meeting I may pace around, fidget or leave the room for a few minutes). I was very self conscious about this to begin with but that’s better than burning out all the time.