Is my friend lying to me? What should I do?

Could you explain this a little more please I'm not sure I understand what you mean? 

She is using you for attention.

I think perhaps that is why I tried to give so much into this friendship because she was diagnosed autistic a short while ago and I'm going through the diagnosis process at the moment so I naively assumed we were similar and had a lot in common when the reality is that we are vastly 2 different people.

But thank you, I really appreciate your comments they've helped a great deal. 

You sound more than thought-FULL. I would let this go and take some notes for next time. It sounds like you've been a bit gas-lit (and I don't use that term often)/

One of the best ways to create healthy boundaries with others is to set a standard of expectation by how I consciously think and act. It can take years, but integrating my intentions (which are different than random thoughts influenced by external things) with how I speak and act, actively choosing to think the best in others and showing consideration and respect regardless of how the other person choses to live - all of this can begin to change what we expect from a friendship. Intentions are often deeper truths below what we might assume we think true, if that makes sense.

Some people in our life can exist like external satellites, we see them every few years and they're great people. Others might create more anxiety than is needed by a misalignment in values (how I want to live vs. how they appear to want to live). Allow yourself to choose only a few particular close friendships, as any friendship will take time to grow and invest in. 

And also allow yourself to not be responsible for just anyone. Responsible toward, but not on behalf of, if this makes sense. Also, what is an appropriate response to this person who you barely know?  Interestingly, most children with 'challenging behaviour' are actually responding appropriately to their environment. As we grow, we can appropriate boundaries where needed, but respectfully.

We're often misunderstood. Autistic-being can appear as someone easily used, walked on, or weak. When in fact, we might not be people pleasers in the least, just kind-hearted and sensitive to others, stuck their moments, too compassionate, and as all humans are biased, we tend to assume others are just like us - until our perspective shifts and we learn the signals of different modes of being, some of which can look repellant... sadly. So, it's OK to be repelled and respond as such, by this, think of a magnet flying in the opposite direction. Responding to the force away from the source, in its own way. No need for explanation.

Just remember, be your best you and expect better. 2 years is a great deal of effort. :) Xx 

Yeah, that is definitely how it is feeling for me at the moment. 

Thank you for your response it makes me feel less crazy, if that makes sense? Because throughout this entire saga I've felt like I'm not being kind enough I'm not being thoughtful enough I'm not considering her enough and I'm just being dramatic, selfish or crazy. And it has really been bothering me. 

I definitely need to sit down and have a conversation with her I think I know that I just wanted to gage people's thoughts so I could go into with as open mind as possible as I was full of preconceptions and ideas as to what I thought was what. But, I need to sit down and figure out what I'm actually getting from this friendship, as I know I'm giving a whole lot but as of right now I couldn't say what I get from it myself. But yeah, I also try to avoid drama and unnecessary arguments because it's far too stressful for me.

Friends are hard to come by for autistic people and 2 people being autistic doesn't automatically equal a friendship. For me, friendship is a mutual thing where you add something to each other's life and there's give and take. It takes maintenance like any relationship but I think if it gets to the point where there's so much confusion you need to be two adults and have a conversation to set things straight. We forget people have their own issues behind closed doors and this can influence how they react or behave. A lot of autistic people need control in social interactions. I think most friendships or relationships usually have one person doing a bit more than the other but this can chop and change. I have friends who require more effort than others but there's a good payoff in the end and its worth it because of what I get out of it. I know from experience now you cant base a friendship on another person's neediness because when they eventually right themselves they cast you aside - I've learned the hard way but I'm glad I did. Set your boundaries with yourself first in terms of what you want from the friendship. Also, in being autistic yourself you can understand her anxieties to some extent and probably give people more leeway but people can end up taking the piss.  This is why I don't do drama! 

Ah, sorry. I misunderstood, so thank you for explaining.

Based on all that you've said, I cannot help but think this friendship is somewhat one-sided, and that you're the one doing the bulk of the 'giving', whilst your friend is doing the bulk of the 'taking'.

What you're describing is just selfish and a mismatch of interests from my perspective. It's good to ask yourself what she owes you and what you owe her, which in this respect, is nothing. 

And who knows. Let's say she's not being truthful. On one end, there's a handful of those with not much else to do in life but take the pi**. They might enjoy psychologically playing with others and completely wasting their time. In this scenario, they aren't living their best lives, usually experience a lack of fulfilment and try to fill that void by ruining others. And at the other extreme is someone with absent insight, who also might have never found their potential, is a bit like a foggy cloud with nothing concrete to help ground them, trying out potentially helpful ideas in all the wrong ways because they've never been given the tools to do things in a way that help invest in friendship and grow as a human. As it stands, ask any number of clinicians and GPs what Autism actually is at a fundamental difference and they won't be able to tell you. This woman could simply be misdiagnosed and needed care for trauma, who knows. 

Everyone on this planet is lonely. Erich Fromm talks about this in great detail and the problems it creates in The Revolution of Hope. But if you have a look through his first book, The Art of Loving, it's a great guide for simply being human: Autistic or not.

When I said I was considering joining groups to make friends as I don't have any, she got upset at me and asked why I didn't want to be her friend.

This response does sound manipulative. When people do this, it can be best to have a prepared counter response of "why would you say that". But honestly, it doesn't sound like she's consistent at all. And if there's one thing I can rely on - almost always - with Autistics, it's the inability to jump ahead 5 steps and sound presumptuous. If anything, we tend to get lost in the moment, and at the tangent. So with things like this, she could be ADHD or, as Francesca Happé talks about, a type of sociopathic/extreme neurotic Neuro-Typical that can be mistaken for Autistic when one doesn't actually understand the fundamental differences.  

It's OK to let go of an acquaintance, like allowing a vine to branch off to where ever it's headed. Finding supportive others who have shared values and building friendships with them is worthwhile. :) 

I didn't mean show up as in show up in person. I mean she wanted me to show up mentally and emotionally via text for her when she needed me so she could go meet these other friends. That left me feeling like what do they have that I lack? And why am I good enough to support her emotionally but not for a real friendship? Why will she go through the emotions to meet them, but not me when I'm always supporting her? 

Sorry I didn't see your comment until now I hadn't realised you'd written here. 

You have absolutely hit the nail on the head with what you are saying! I feel like this friend only really wants me when she needs some sort of emotional support from me, yet is either unwilling to or unable to provide the same back for me. Now 100% I will support my friends and I'll be there for them but it can't all be 1 sided that makes me resentful.

What encouraged me to post here is, she keeps messaging me every week saying "hi how are you?" and I've lost any or all interest in talking to her. I don't see a point when it all has to be on her terms. She will answer messages without questions but only when she feels like having a conversation so I don't want to speak or invest anything info a conversation which she could lose interest in any moment. I genuinely don't understand what it is she wants from me aside from emotional support and advice via text. And the appointment thing, I'm not doing that. I can respect boundaries don't get me wrong but that feels far too clinical for a friendship for me. I'm going to bring this up with my therapist tomorrow and get her thoughts before I do eventually have a chat with her about it all. Because I am filled with anxiety and dread whenever she messages me now.

Former Member, I hadn't realised your friend wanted you to show up as well to provide support when meeting other friends. If the prospect of meeting you face-to-face for the first time causes her to feel anxious, then I don't understand how you turning up solely to provide emotional support will help her to feel any less anxious about meeting other friends for the first time. If anything, she's likely to feel more anxious because she would then be meeting two+ friends for the first time.

It just doesn't make any sense to me, and I don't think your friend is being fair to you.

I can understand not actually wanting to meet people, that makes sense but it's the very fact she met someone else the next day and sought out support from me to do so. Like seriously? She can't meet me but she can meet other people and want me to show up and support her emotionally to do so. That was the kick in the teeth and thats why it felt untruthful I guess. 

Not being able to find words happens to me all of the time. 

I met my fiance on Tinder so I'm familiar with that process too. It isn't easy.

yeah there maybe misunderstanding in her wording, the book a appointment and topic is likely because she has to hype herself and build herself up to being able to talk to someone. but she worded it badly, likely couldnt get the correct wording.

the not wanting to meet up, i dunno i kinda feel that myself...you have a urge to want friends and not be lonely and go out and meet someone, but when the time comes to do that your just like.... nope, its weird, its different, its out of my ordinary, it doesnt feel right, its not what i usually do.... and so you dont go out and you cancel on people, i believe thats what that bit is.

kinda like when i try to use dating sites, i feel the urge to want to date and have partner but when one messages me, nope... im outa there lol if i go along with the message which feels uncomfortable and forced, then they ask to meet up somewhere.. nope, feels weird, out of my normal. cant do it. 

I know it was a few days ago when you posted this Crow Lady, but if I were in your shoes I think I would be feeling confused by your friend too, and inclined to wonder if they weren't being entirely honest.

It's the fact that your friend told you she was too anxious to even think about the two of you meeting up, was happy to seek your advice/support regarding her meeting other friends, and then seemed to think you didn't want to be her friend when you mentioned you were thinking of joining groups to make friends... the very thing that she had sought your support with.

Up until recently, I had a friend that caused me to feel similar to the way you are feeling. Like you, sometimes I would think we were having a conversation, and then it would just abruptly stop. Sometimes I'd ask questions that resulted in evasive answers or else were completely ignored. Sometimes I would be told one thing, and then the friend would contradict themself and say something different.

In addition to often wondering if I was being lied to, I increasingly began to feel that this friend was only interested in me and our friendship when they were bored and had nothing else to occupy their time. It was impossible to know where I stood. As time went on, I became more guarded. I stopped telling them about things that I previously would have told them, as my inner voice would be saying to me, "What's the point? They won't be interested because they don't have any interest in you!"

If your friend has difficulty expressing their thoughts and feelings, then it's possible that one or both of you have misinterpreted/ misunderstood things that have been said.

I have to admit that the prospect of having to book an appointment to have a conversation with a friend and pick a topic to converse about would fill me with horror, as I do not believe that is how friendships (good ones) should be. To my mind, one should feel able to contact friends without the need for an appointment. If it's not convenient for them they can let you know, or else respond when it is. Furthermore, I feel one should be able to talk with friends about whatever takes your fancy, rather than needing to decide in advance what to talk about. That's just me though and I appreciate your friend may well feel more comfortable with a 'mechanical' style of friendship.

Happy to help. 

I think I will start the conversion with something like that, that's a good idea. Thank you.

Yeah I would give her a chance. Maybe tell her that she can be completely honest and you won't flip out or judge her. 

I was thinking about having a conversation about it, my only reservation is that I'm worried she will just lie to me more. But I guess it's better to give her the chance than not.