Published on 12, July, 2020
I have a friend that I met via a discord server for autistic people maybe 2 years ago now and ever since then I have found myself constantly trying to figure out what is going on with her. She is autistic like myself, we are both late diagnosed (well I'm in the process of diagnosis).
She expressed feelings of loneliness to me, and I also experience loneliness so I suggested hey why don't we meet up for a nature walk? We live relatively close to one another there's no real reason we can't be friends right? She flat out ignored me. I have social anxiety and RSD so this hit me hard. I did eventually bring it up again and I expressed that having been ignored hurt me. She told me that she was "too anxious to even think about it" but in the next few days sought out support from me with her meeting other friends. The following week she attended a venue to see a band she liked.
When I said I was considering joining groups to make friends as I don't have any, she got upset at me and asked why I didn't want to be her friend. I'd never actually said that however I assumed she wanted an online friendship due to her reaction over meeting up. Cue the confusion.
More recently, we were having a conversation, she asked me how I was doing, I answered and she just stopped talking to me for days. Eventually I asked like hey, what's up, why did you vanish like that? She told me that she didn't see my message as worth a response because I'd not asked her any questions. Which, would make sense if this was something she did regularly, but she doesn't. And I've tested this theory, I've messaged her stuff that genuinely didn't need a response both before this and after this and she's answered me. So that was not true. I remember responding something like "ah okay I was just looking for more in the way of a conversation is all." And she told me that maybe in future I should pick a topic and book an appointment with her to have a conversation and she will fit me when she has the time and energy. Like, what? That made me feel like a burden, like her friendship with me is unimportant especially when you put it next to her ignoring my suggestion about meeting up.
So now it's weird right. I don't feel comfortable talking to her, about anything whatsoever because booking an appointment to me is bizzare for 1 and I don't want to risk her just dropping out on me when the conversation is no longer about her. I suspect now she has lied to me on a few occasions and I don't know how to handle this.
So I thought I would post on here and see what some people who are outside of this situation think to it and if you have any advice? How would you handle this? Any input is appreciated.
What you're describing is just selfish and a mismatch of interests from my perspective. It's good to ask yourself what she owes you and what you owe her, which in this respect, is nothing.
And who knows. Let's say she's not being truthful. On one end, there's a handful of those with not much else to do in life but take the pi**. They might enjoy psychologically playing with others and completely wasting their time. In this scenario, they aren't living their best lives, usually experience a lack of fulfilment and try to fill that void by ruining others. And at the other extreme is someone with absent insight, who also might have never found their potential, is a bit like a foggy cloud with nothing concrete to help ground them, trying out potentially helpful ideas in all the wrong ways because they've never been given the tools to do things in a way that help invest in friendship and grow as a human. As it stands, ask any number of clinicians and GPs what Autism actually is at a fundamental difference and they won't be able to tell you. This woman could simply be misdiagnosed and needed care for trauma, who knows.
Everyone on this planet is lonely. Erich Fromm talks about this in great detail and the problems it creates in The Revolution of Hope. But if you have a look through his first book, The Art of Loving, it's a great guide for simply being human: Autistic or not.
When I said I was considering joining groups to make friends as I don't have any, she got upset at me and asked why I didn't want to be her friend.
This response does sound manipulative. When people do this, it can be best to have a prepared counter response of "why would you say that". But honestly, it doesn't sound like she's consistent at all. And if there's one thing I can rely on - almost always - with Autistics, it's the inability to jump ahead 5 steps and sound presumptuous. If anything, we tend to get lost in the moment, and at the tangent. So with things like this, she could be ADHD or, as Francesca Happé talks about, a type of sociopathic/extreme neurotic Neuro-Typical that can be mistaken for Autistic when one doesn't actually understand the fundamental differences.
It's OK to let go of an acquaintance, like allowing a vine to branch off to where ever it's headed. Finding supportive others who have shared values and building friendships with them is worthwhile. :)
Thank you for your response it makes me feel less crazy, if that makes sense? Because throughout this entire saga I've felt like I'm not being kind enough I'm not being thoughtful enough I'm not considering her enough and I'm just being dramatic, selfish or crazy. And it has really been bothering me.
I think perhaps that is why I tried to give so much into this friendship because she was diagnosed autistic a short while ago and I'm going through the diagnosis process at the moment so I naively assumed we were similar and had a lot in common when the reality is that we are vastly 2 different people.
But thank you, I really appreciate your comments they've helped a great deal.
You sound more than thought-FULL. I would let this go and take some notes for next time. It sounds like you've been a bit gas-lit (and I don't use that term often)/
One of the best ways to create healthy boundaries with others is to set a standard of expectation by how I consciously think and act. It can take years, but integrating my intentions (which are different than random thoughts influenced by external things) with how I speak and act, actively choosing to think the best in others and showing consideration and respect regardless of how the other person choses to live - all of this can begin to change what we expect from a friendship. Intentions are often deeper truths below what we might assume we think true, if that makes sense.
Some people in our life can exist like external satellites, we see them every few years and they're great people. Others might create more anxiety than is needed by a misalignment in values (how I want to live vs. how they appear to want to live). Allow yourself to choose only a few particular close friendships, as any friendship will take time to grow and invest in.
And also allow yourself to not be responsible for just anyone. Responsible toward, but not on behalf of, if this makes sense. Also, what is an appropriate response to this person who you barely know? Interestingly, most children with 'challenging behaviour' are actually responding appropriately to their environment. As we grow, we can appropriate boundaries where needed, but respectfully.
We're often misunderstood. Autistic-being can appear as someone easily used, walked on, or weak. When in fact, we might not be people pleasers in the least, just kind-hearted and sensitive to others, stuck their moments, too compassionate, and as all humans are biased, we tend to assume others are just like us - until our perspective shifts and we learn the signals of different modes of being, some of which can look repellant... sadly. So, it's OK to be repelled and respond as such, by this, think of a magnet flying in the opposite direction. Responding to the force away from the source, in its own way. No need for explanation.
Just remember, be your best you and expect better. 2 years is a great deal of effort. :) Xx