Published on 12, July, 2020
I have a friend that I met via a discord server for autistic people maybe 2 years ago now and ever since then I have found myself constantly trying to figure out what is going on with her. She is autistic like myself, we are both late diagnosed (well I'm in the process of diagnosis).
She expressed feelings of loneliness to me, and I also experience loneliness so I suggested hey why don't we meet up for a nature walk? We live relatively close to one another there's no real reason we can't be friends right? She flat out ignored me. I have social anxiety and RSD so this hit me hard. I did eventually bring it up again and I expressed that having been ignored hurt me. She told me that she was "too anxious to even think about it" but in the next few days sought out support from me with her meeting other friends. The following week she attended a venue to see a band she liked.
When I said I was considering joining groups to make friends as I don't have any, she got upset at me and asked why I didn't want to be her friend. I'd never actually said that however I assumed she wanted an online friendship due to her reaction over meeting up. Cue the confusion.
More recently, we were having a conversation, she asked me how I was doing, I answered and she just stopped talking to me for days. Eventually I asked like hey, what's up, why did you vanish like that? She told me that she didn't see my message as worth a response because I'd not asked her any questions. Which, would make sense if this was something she did regularly, but she doesn't. And I've tested this theory, I've messaged her stuff that genuinely didn't need a response both before this and after this and she's answered me. So that was not true. I remember responding something like "ah okay I was just looking for more in the way of a conversation is all." And she told me that maybe in future I should pick a topic and book an appointment with her to have a conversation and she will fit me when she has the time and energy. Like, what? That made me feel like a burden, like her friendship with me is unimportant especially when you put it next to her ignoring my suggestion about meeting up.
So now it's weird right. I don't feel comfortable talking to her, about anything whatsoever because booking an appointment to me is bizzare for 1 and I don't want to risk her just dropping out on me when the conversation is no longer about her. I suspect now she has lied to me on a few occasions and I don't know how to handle this.
So I thought I would post on here and see what some people who are outside of this situation think to it and if you have any advice? How would you handle this? Any input is appreciated.
I know it was a few days ago when you posted this Crow Lady, but if I were in your shoes I think I would be feeling confused by your friend too, and inclined to wonder if they weren't being entirely honest.
It's the fact that your friend told you she was too anxious to even think about the two of you meeting up, was happy to seek your advice/support regarding her meeting other friends, and then seemed to think you didn't want to be her friend when you mentioned you were thinking of joining groups to make friends... the very thing that she had sought your support with.
Up until recently, I had a friend that caused me to feel similar to the way you are feeling. Like you, sometimes I would think we were having a conversation, and then it would just abruptly stop. Sometimes I'd ask questions that resulted in evasive answers or else were completely ignored. Sometimes I would be told one thing, and then the friend would contradict themself and say something different.
In addition to often wondering if I was being lied to, I increasingly began to feel that this friend was only interested in me and our friendship when they were bored and had nothing else to occupy their time. It was impossible to know where I stood. As time went on, I became more guarded. I stopped telling them about things that I previously would have told them, as my inner voice would be saying to me, "What's the point? They won't be interested because they don't have any interest in you!"
If your friend has difficulty expressing their thoughts and feelings, then it's possible that one or both of you have misinterpreted/ misunderstood things that have been said.
I have to admit that the prospect of having to book an appointment to have a conversation with a friend and pick a topic to converse about would fill me with horror, as I do not believe that is how friendships (good ones) should be. To my mind, one should feel able to contact friends without the need for an appointment. If it's not convenient for them they can let you know, or else respond when it is. Furthermore, I feel one should be able to talk with friends about whatever takes your fancy, rather than needing to decide in advance what to talk about. That's just me though and I appreciate your friend may well feel more comfortable with a 'mechanical' style of friendship.
Sorry I didn't see your comment until now I hadn't realised you'd written here.
You have absolutely hit the nail on the head with what you are saying! I feel like this friend only really wants me when she needs some sort of emotional support from me, yet is either unwilling to or unable to provide the same back for me. Now 100% I will support my friends and I'll be there for them but it can't all be 1 sided that makes me resentful.
What encouraged me to post here is, she keeps messaging me every week saying "hi how are you?" and I've lost any or all interest in talking to her. I don't see a point when it all has to be on her terms. She will answer messages without questions but only when she feels like having a conversation so I don't want to speak or invest anything info a conversation which she could lose interest in any moment. I genuinely don't understand what it is she wants from me aside from emotional support and advice via text. And the appointment thing, I'm not doing that. I can respect boundaries don't get me wrong but that feels far too clinical for a friendship for me. I'm going to bring this up with my therapist tomorrow and get her thoughts before I do eventually have a chat with her about it all. Because I am filled with anxiety and dread whenever she messages me now.