Published on 12, July, 2020
Before I go on, I want to clarify that I'm not talking about anyone I've spoken to on this forum. I don't want anyone to get spooked!
I have be-friended (or attempted to) people in the past, and we'd go through a wave of speaking fairly regularly, before things fizzle out and we're speaking a lot less frequently if at all. If it's a mutual sense of "we don't have anything to say to each other" then that's fine, but I have found myself on both sides of the coin where there's an awkwardness of how to deal with it.
There's people who I'd hear from a lot less regularly. They'd read messages but not reply, and back then I would still bombard them with messages without considering it's probably actually putting them off. In many cases, that's what gets me blocked. More recently, I tried to rationalise it (they're probably busy or have limited energy). I did ask someone about it ("are we cool?") and they were honest with me and said that they didn't feel the friendship was working for them. I'm glad they told me but I felt guilty that they didn't feel they could without me asking first.
I think that put my guard up a bit. I already had a sense of "do they not like me anymore?" if someone disappeared, but it's a bit more intensified. While there are some friendships which naturally fizzled out as it was apparent we didn't have much in common, there's others where I didn't really understand why it happened, because in some cases me and the other person considered each other 'best friends' but suddenly we weren't talking and I didn't understand why. They may not have felt that same way anymore (which is completely fine) but I'm not good at taking a hint. Mainly cos I can't pick up on them, and it's uncomfortable for both parties to confront it head-on.
Someone may just have things going on in their life, and I wouldn't want to make a knee-jerk decision. As a result I probably do hang on for as long as I can (to the point I've exhausted myself) until it's clear that it's no longer reciprocal.
I'm never angry with the other person in this instance. Perhaps saddened but I try and empathise with them over the fact they've probably got things going on and it's not something they would want at this moment in time. It is difficult without knowing exactly though, and it's hard when you would want a clear answer and you realise that it's probably not going to arrive.
On the flip side, there's other situations where I realise that the friendship isn't what I want either, and I'm not exactly one to be brave enough to say anything because I don't want to hurt them, even though I'd welcome them saying it to me (were that the case). As a result I tend to let it drift.
I could have handled all of it a bit better, but I wondered how others handled it. I hope this makes some sense.
If people don't reply to messages, this you can know for sure - you're not their top priority. It doesn't necessarily mean that they don't like you, just that they've got other things on which are more important to them than you.
I used to worry a lot about it, if I didn't hear from people, that it was me, something I said, didn't say.... ?
Experience has taught me that mostly, that was wasted energy - you can't really control or take responsibility for what others do - only what you do.
If someone doesn't reply to a message,, well,, I might try again. If they still don't, I won't.
I've found it best to foster self-value, live according to my ethics and, let others do the same.
Yeah, I just wish it was more straightforward. I knew many people who weren't ones for checking messages from anyone (or so they told me).
HMO said:Yeah, I just wish it was more straightforward
Yeah, I get that - but in a case where people simply don't want to talk to you, they're unlikely to say so, unless they think they have no other option. Most people want to avoid awkward conversations or confrontation - ghosting is a very common strategy for achieving that.
It's just recognising when you should leave it - the second message is my point of leaving it. I think it helps to let go of the process, let things unfold, be more reflexive - which is not to say that any of that is easy!
The flip side to that is if the connections are strong enough, it'll work out.
In some cases there's people I've not spoken to much for years. I guess I'd address everything and add "there's no pressure to respond" at the end but there is a fear of making things worse.
It may be best to leave them alone for the time being, yes... however, in due course, a simple apology, without expectation, might be something that you could do, if you still feel the need to apologise by that point.
There's been moments where I've been tempted to reach out to some people who were in my past life and apologise for the way that I acted. I can't blame it all on my autism (or any of it), and there's things I said and did which were inappropriate and I realise that now.
However, I guess the best way to make it up to people is to leave them alone cos I don't want to make it worse.
I guess the opportunity to just talk it out is the valuable part.
HMO said:I guess I'd like to prove to myself and others that I'm not the same mess of an individual as I was, but I don't know if I'll get the opportunity
I get that - try not to beat yourself up over it too much - that's hard, I know, but everybody regrets their actions sometimes, because we're all fallible.
You may get another opportunity with your friends - after all, there was more to those friendships than just the endpoint. Sometimes people just need time and space to work things out.
At the same time, there are no certainties -
But there will certainly be new friends to be made.
I hope so, although there's still a lot of anxiety around it all.
I guess I'd like to prove to myself and others that I'm not the same mess of an individual as I was, but I don't know if I'll get the opportunity.
Well, it sounds from what you write that you have gained insight from your experiences, which is valuable - and will hopefully help you to better negotiate future friendships.
As for the friends who have parted from you, some may possibly return, given time, you never know - even if you don't think so at the moment.
I lost all of my friends a few months ago and in this period of soul-searching and reflection, I realised which connections felt the strongest and the most natural. I tended to be very closed off emotionally which didn't really help.
Pegg said:Very occasionally, in my limited experience, a person comes along and it just works, it seems like you've always known each other - but that's uncommon, everything else takes time to evolve into friendship.
I found a few of these people (once developed obviously) which is why it's particularly sad that they're not in my life anymore.
I wish I put more energy into them rather than chasing someone who I used to talk to regularly but had shown no interest at all for over a year.
HMO said:I know regarding friendships I just want them to feel easy. It doesn't have to be super regular but I need to feel like I gel with this person and we're both on the same page with everything. We know where we stand and what we want out of it
Well, that's perfectly achievable, but, it does take time, usually. I guess that's what I mean about letting things unfold as they will - some people will become your friends, if you let them.
Very occasionally, in my limited experience, a person comes along and it just works, it seems like you've always known each other - but that's uncommon, everything else takes time to evolve into friendship.
It's up to you to decide which people you meet are worth that investment.
I used to utilise Twitter for meeting new people but it ran out of control. That said, it felt like a safer option at the time.
I just wish I drew the line earlier, like "you've got friends, now stop reaching out to more random people for no reason".
That's the thing - I'm well aware that I'd have no problem with people coming to me for support, even if I didn't know what I was doing half the time.
I had this sense of "I need to fix things for them" which is obviously not feasible and realistic, and I don't think they're asking that of me either. Certainly not many people I've come across have acted like that.
I have given so much in terms of affection and showing my appreciation to others and it has taken far too long for me to realise that they never felt the same way. Even when they did, I never fully appreciated it or valued it, because I didn't believe I deserved it. It's only now that it's gone that I realise what I've lost and I'll forever hate myself for it.
I know regarding friendships I just want them to feel easy. It doesn't have to be super regular but I need to feel like I gel with this person and we're both on the same page with everything. We know where we stand and what we want out of it.
The ideal is working somewhere like a bowling alley or similar where you get to interact with many, many people, so that your chances of meeting your people statistically increases.
Heck, my long suffering partner was the result of a process of me sieving though 400 people on dating direct finding 16 that didn't look like complete monsters to me, and then getting 4 replies from the 16 I reached out to..
HMO said:I wish I didn't feel guilty about it. I hated asking for support because I thought I'd be being difficult and it'd scare them off.
But it was ok for you to be there for them? Were you scared off by others wanting or needing your support?
I used to be that person, once - generally out of a genuine desire to help. I had - have - very few friends - and yet, when I lived amongst people, it was common for them to approach me, in order that they could unload their problems on me. I listened patiently, I never objected, even if I didn't really want to hear it, or spend that time in company with another human. I always thought about the other person. Note that, none of these people were interested in me, just in what they could get from me - although I didn't recognize it so well at the time.
When I did run into serious trouble, none of them, not a single one, was there for me. I was left to my own devices, those people were all of a sudden, 'busy'.
The point to make is that if you over-extend yourself, there will always be people to take what you offer. They're not necessarily interested in a reciprocal friendship.
Maybe instead, think about what you want from your friendships, it's a good place to start from.
I did put a lot of pressure on myself to keep friendships alive. I wish I didn't; it was an insane amount of stress and I rarely ever spoke up about it. I ended up ruining things because I kept trying to rush everything.
That didn't apply to everyone but I had a few people who I would never hear from if I didn't reach out to them.
I don't think I put a strong emphasis on the reciprocal side of things and instead I thought it was perfectly normal.
Pegg said:you should expect that they will, when you need them to
I wish I didn't feel guilty about it. I hated asking for support because I thought I'd be being difficult and it'd scare them off.
It sounds as though you're working hard at this. Do remember though, that it's not all up to you - it's good to reach out to people, good to offer support, if you can - but others should do the same for you, and you should expect that they will, when you need them to - because friendships should exist in a reciprocal balance, more or less.
You deserve good friends, and to be a good friend - as does everyone.
I always put myself in that position of "I need to be the one who reaches out, checks in on people" and "don't be so entitled" kind of thing.
It's hard to judge if someone doesn't want to talk or they *can't* because they're struggling. One person (who was a best friend at the time) said that they were depressed and that's why they went dark - although from what they've said since, it does seem like they were actually keeping their distance because they weren't feeling it anymore.
I am trying to be less mechanical with friendships and to not overthink things. Go with the flow and all that. That's what I'm focusing on in therapy because I know if I just do all of those things again, I'll continue to mess things up.