Published on 12, July, 2020
Before I go on, I want to clarify that I'm not talking about anyone I've spoken to on this forum. I don't want anyone to get spooked!
I have be-friended (or attempted to) people in the past, and we'd go through a wave of speaking fairly regularly, before things fizzle out and we're speaking a lot less frequently if at all. If it's a mutual sense of "we don't have anything to say to each other" then that's fine, but I have found myself on both sides of the coin where there's an awkwardness of how to deal with it.
There's people who I'd hear from a lot less regularly. They'd read messages but not reply, and back then I would still bombard them with messages without considering it's probably actually putting them off. In many cases, that's what gets me blocked. More recently, I tried to rationalise it (they're probably busy or have limited energy). I did ask someone about it ("are we cool?") and they were honest with me and said that they didn't feel the friendship was working for them. I'm glad they told me but I felt guilty that they didn't feel they could without me asking first.
I think that put my guard up a bit. I already had a sense of "do they not like me anymore?" if someone disappeared, but it's a bit more intensified. While there are some friendships which naturally fizzled out as it was apparent we didn't have much in common, there's others where I didn't really understand why it happened, because in some cases me and the other person considered each other 'best friends' but suddenly we weren't talking and I didn't understand why. They may not have felt that same way anymore (which is completely fine) but I'm not good at taking a hint. Mainly cos I can't pick up on them, and it's uncomfortable for both parties to confront it head-on.
Someone may just have things going on in their life, and I wouldn't want to make a knee-jerk decision. As a result I probably do hang on for as long as I can (to the point I've exhausted myself) until it's clear that it's no longer reciprocal.
I'm never angry with the other person in this instance. Perhaps saddened but I try and empathise with them over the fact they've probably got things going on and it's not something they would want at this moment in time. It is difficult without knowing exactly though, and it's hard when you would want a clear answer and you realise that it's probably not going to arrive.
On the flip side, there's other situations where I realise that the friendship isn't what I want either, and I'm not exactly one to be brave enough to say anything because I don't want to hurt them, even though I'd welcome them saying it to me (were that the case). As a result I tend to let it drift.
I could have handled all of it a bit better, but I wondered how others handled it. I hope this makes some sense.
If people don't reply to messages, this you can know for sure - you're not their top priority. It doesn't necessarily mean that they don't like you, just that they've got other things on which are more important to them than you.
I used to worry a lot about it, if I didn't hear from people, that it was me, something I said, didn't say.... ?
Experience has taught me that mostly, that was wasted energy - you can't really control or take responsibility for what others do - only what you do.
If someone doesn't reply to a message,, well,, I might try again. If they still don't, I won't.
I've found it best to foster self-value, live according to my ethics and, let others do the same.
Yeah, I just wish it was more straightforward. I knew many people who weren't ones for checking messages from anyone (or so they told me).
HMO said:Yeah, I just wish it was more straightforward
Yeah, I get that - but in a case where people simply don't want to talk to you, they're unlikely to say so, unless they think they have no other option. Most people want to avoid awkward conversations or confrontation - ghosting is a very common strategy for achieving that.
It's just recognising when you should leave it - the second message is my point of leaving it. I think it helps to let go of the process, let things unfold, be more reflexive - which is not to say that any of that is easy!
The flip side to that is if the connections are strong enough, it'll work out.
In some cases there's people I've not spoken to much for years. I guess I'd address everything and add "there's no pressure to respond" at the end but there is a fear of making things worse.
It may be best to leave them alone for the time being, yes... however, in due course, a simple apology, without expectation, might be something that you could do, if you still feel the need to apologise by that point.
There's been moments where I've been tempted to reach out to some people who were in my past life and apologise for the way that I acted. I can't blame it all on my autism (or any of it), and there's things I said and did which were inappropriate and I realise that now.
However, I guess the best way to make it up to people is to leave them alone cos I don't want to make it worse.
I guess the opportunity to just talk it out is the valuable part.
HMO said:I guess I'd like to prove to myself and others that I'm not the same mess of an individual as I was, but I don't know if I'll get the opportunity
I get that - try not to beat yourself up over it too much - that's hard, I know, but everybody regrets their actions sometimes, because we're all fallible.
You may get another opportunity with your friends - after all, there was more to those friendships than just the endpoint. Sometimes people just need time and space to work things out.
At the same time, there are no certainties -
But there will certainly be new friends to be made.
I hope so, although there's still a lot of anxiety around it all.
I guess I'd like to prove to myself and others that I'm not the same mess of an individual as I was, but I don't know if I'll get the opportunity.
Well, it sounds from what you write that you have gained insight from your experiences, which is valuable - and will hopefully help you to better negotiate future friendships.
As for the friends who have parted from you, some may possibly return, given time, you never know - even if you don't think so at the moment.
I lost all of my friends a few months ago and in this period of soul-searching and reflection, I realised which connections felt the strongest and the most natural. I tended to be very closed off emotionally which didn't really help.
Pegg said:Very occasionally, in my limited experience, a person comes along and it just works, it seems like you've always known each other - but that's uncommon, everything else takes time to evolve into friendship.
I found a few of these people (once developed obviously) which is why it's particularly sad that they're not in my life anymore.
I wish I put more energy into them rather than chasing someone who I used to talk to regularly but had shown no interest at all for over a year.