Wishing you weren't autistic

Until the age of 20 (having been diagnosed at 8), I didn't really embrace the fact I'm autistic. I still treated it as like a disease and a separate entity to me. 

Eventually, I managed to feel a bit more comfortable with it and learnt more about it over the years. I was firmly on the "autism is great" train for a while, exploring autistic joy and so on.

These last few months, I've felt differently. I've spoken about my massive screw-up a few months ago quite a bit here. I saw a comment from someone who questioned if I'm actually autistic. Many doubtlessly thought I was using autism as an excuse.

As a result, I've begun wishing I wasn't autistic all over again. I do believe that none of that would have happened if I wasn't autistic.

Not being autistic would turn me into a different person, but I think I'd rather be a different person. The person I am is forever tainted and considered the lowest of the low.

Admittedly this is somewhat contradicted by the fact that I've begun wearing my sunflower lanyard when I go out and about sometimes, but I do it because I don't really care about what people think about it.

I do often forget that I'm autistic and don't ask for support when I need it and things end up going wrong, but I don't know what I'd rather. Ignoring it didn't work, but embracing it meant I got myself into situations which led to this avalanche.

I wish I could completely start my life again sometimes.