Published on 12, July, 2020
Until the age of 20 (having been diagnosed at 8), I didn't really embrace the fact I'm autistic. I still treated it as like a disease and a separate entity to me.
Eventually, I managed to feel a bit more comfortable with it and learnt more about it over the years. I was firmly on the "autism is great" train for a while, exploring autistic joy and so on.
These last few months, I've felt differently. I've spoken about my massive screw-up a few months ago quite a bit here. I saw a comment from someone who questioned if I'm actually autistic. Many doubtlessly thought I was using autism as an excuse.
As a result, I've begun wishing I wasn't autistic all over again. I do believe that none of that would have happened if I wasn't autistic.
Not being autistic would turn me into a different person, but I think I'd rather be a different person. The person I am is forever tainted and considered the lowest of the low.
Admittedly this is somewhat contradicted by the fact that I've begun wearing my sunflower lanyard when I go out and about sometimes, but I do it because I don't really care about what people think about it.
I do often forget that I'm autistic and don't ask for support when I need it and things end up going wrong, but I don't know what I'd rather. Ignoring it didn't work, but embracing it meant I got myself into situations which led to this avalanche.
I wish I could completely start my life again sometimes.
I actually quite like being autistic- at least, I like KNOWING I'm autistic. It's a comfort to know that when people have called me oversensitive, or selfish, or a b-tch... they were wrong. I'm not the terrible person I'd come to believe I was. I'm just autistic.
I wouldn't say I love everything about it. It's frustrating for me and for others. But I'd rather be able to say "sorry, I'm not trying to be a pain, my brain just works differently" than keep hating myself.
battybats said:But I'd rather be able to say "sorry, I'm not trying to be a pain, my brain just works differently" than keep hating myself.
I wish I could without feeling like I am being difficult and a pain. Like someone's going to go "stop using your autism as an excuse" or "stop making everything about your autism".
When I added 'autistic' to my social media bios I got stuff like that from people I knew.
That is precisely why I avoid the associated stress levels through 121 engagement. You're wrong if you openly admit to ASD and equally wrong if you stay shtum about it as I do. People in both instances do not understand. In my case I am labeled as antisocial and a person to be avoided. I guess it's finally a personal choice with continuing with the social struggle and its associated stressful complications or by taking avoidance tactics.