Anybody have tips on how to make therapy/coaching more helpful?

Thinking more about this, why not get your housemate to do online shopping on a scheduled basis to keep stock levels up. Delivery is normally free over a certain purchase cost which should make it easer to stomach.

That takes a load off of you so you only need to get some perishables every few days.

There does seem a huge personality mismatch. Even autistic people can be very different to each other. Your housemate shouldn't be making you feel useless.

I'm not sure if you also have ADHD but a lot of the advice relevant to that could help with things like organisation, planning, time management and executive function. 

I've lived alone most of my adult life and have absolutely no idea about 'normal' people or how they do things. Who wants to be normal anyway 

NAS64138 said:

This has been 1 of the worst parts of the diagnosis for me honestly, they give no support after to help you understand any of the specifics of how it effects you, so I honestly have no idea what is related to the autism and what is just me being useless

Agreed, but that is the world we find ourselves in so you are doing the right thing in asking so input here.

My thoughts now I know a bit more about it is that you need to sit down and have a clear, unemotional discussion about the tasks for the housework / shopping.

These things need to be revisited from time to time to make sure the work is shared fairly so you should agree what tasks need doing, how they get done, how to split them fairly (not necessarily equally as you are in a better position to do the shopping so she needs to do something else of equal overhead to her) and when the next review should be.

This will most likely appeal to her structured way of thinking and also help you by removing ambiguity in the process. Having it agreed in this format should also make the changes in load for her more acceptable to her.

So for the shopping it may be a case of you have a weekly stockcheck which is your partners responsibility so food levels are kept to an agreed level. This should be a level enough to allow for up to 6 days until you can buy it. You have to spend time and effory shopping so your partner should spend time and effort checking and texting you.

Similarly with housework - set days/times for certain tasks so you can set reminders as your memory appears to be your biggest issue. If you can set these for the same day each week then the routine should help you.

Accept that your memory isn't good - point this out to your housemate and ask them for some undersanding in this.  You do need to get better at using reminders and check lists however.

Hopefully something here is of use :)

This is the most-comprehensive list I’ve seen regarding this:

https://s2.chorus-mk.thirdlight.com/file/24/asDKIN9as.klK7easFDsalAzTC/NAS-Good-Practice-Guide-A4.pdf

Can you stick a whiteboard/notepad on the fridge so she can quickly write on it when she uses the last of something? Then you add those things to your list before you head out shopping?

To me it just sounds like you and your housemate have conflicting needs that make you less suited to living together. Sometimes two autistic people clash because (for example) one person needs everything super organised all the time to minimise their anxiety and the other is struggling with executive function that prevents them from being that organised.

Having said that, I have found that working with a neurodivergent therapist is helpful, because they understand that we can't "just do it" with regards to getting stuff done at home (or anywhere else). You might find resources like How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis helpful too, I know I felt better after reading it just because I knew I wasn't unique in finding this stuff hard.

They have requested that stocks be kept at certain levels, however the issue is they do the cooking and expect me to keep checking things to see if they have run out when I go shopping, and as we don't have a constant list of things I often forget something until she comes to need it, and requesting her to make a list and update it as things get used would likely be classed as putting more stress on her as she does all the socialising and house improvement planning,

She is just a friend I live with, her partner lived with us for a while though and he agreed with her that the problem was me as this is just 1 of many times something similar has happened where either I forget to do something, don't do something often enough, or do something based on how I think it should be done but isn't how they want. As they are both autistic I'm inclined to believe them at least that some of it is things I need to improve on, but as I've not lived with anybody else I don't know how much is also just them having a specific way of operating that doesn't gel with me and the only real solution is to move into our own places.

The issue is its 1 in a long line of similar things, such as forgetting to do things and not doing house care as often as she would like. Her partner (who was also autistic) used to live with us who agreed with her that is was my problem thus why I'm more inclined to believe at least some of it is my issue. 

Unfortunately I can't really as them how they expected me to communicate as after years of these kinds of thing she just gets annoyed at anything like that adding extra load onto her and tends to just say to do it like a normal person, and that her and her partner manage it so I should be able to and it isn't anything to do with autism. 

This has been 1 of the worst parts of the diagnosis for me honestly, they give no support after to help you understand any of the specifics of how it effects you, so I honestly have no idea what is related to the autism and what is just me being useless. And as I said in coaching/therapy they ask for things for you to work on, but a lot of my issues end up coming from forgetting things very easily unless I set an alarm, which only works for appointments I set and nothing else effects after that, or from doing something how I think it should be done only to learn its not at all how much normal people do it.

Your response to this issue sounds very logical and sensible to me. Going food shopping with a car is obviously much easier in terms of the practicalities of transporting the groceries home. The alternative using public transport can be a nightmare to navigate for an autistic person. With good planning most of us should have sufficient food in the cupboards and freezer to last several weeks at least.

The suggestion of therapy and coaching seems completely out of proportion to the issue. I suspect there is a lot more to it and this person is using it as a form of attack. If the other person is not autistic it can lead to communication issues.

Personally I don't think you should be gaslighted into believing you have done anything wrong. Perhaps ask how they would have expected you to communicate your decision to postpone the shopping, to avoid any such misunderstandings in future.

NAS64138 said:

They are now pushing me to seek help for my "motivation, priorities, manners, coping mechanics and development of life skills"

It sounds like you have a clear difference in expectations for this sort of thing but have no explicit set of rules around it that you both signed up to.

My push back would be "if you don't like it then either you do the shopping instead or we define stock levels of certain items and I will do my best to make sure we always have that stock level".

This puts the onus on them to create the stock list that they consider essential, you still do your shopping as and when practical and you can keep one extra of the non-perishable items in stock to keep them happy.

This next part is based on you being in a relationship - it isn't clear if living with them is on this basis or just as a flat mate, so ignore it if it is not as a partner.

If this is merely a symptom of other similar behaviour then I think you really need to be looking at couples therapy as this is moving from being an annoyance to something you need to post on here for advice about - it is growning as does the resentment.

The counselling helps tease out the reasons for the demands, the emotional drivers behind them, teaches techniques of negotiation over these expectation mismatches and teaches better overall communication techniques so you can get past the annoyances and spend more time on the stuff that is good between you.