Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I have an issue where the person I like with is constantly getting annoyed by things I do (or don't do), for example recently my car was in the garage for almost a week and I normally do the shopping, but as I go in the car I was putting it off until I got the car back as they didn't give me a set time so it could always be the next day. This then resulted in then confronting me about why I had been lazy and not done it or asked them for help with it. This then resulted in 2 problems.
1. I started to shutdown as discussions like this have happened a lot and a lot and I don't like upsetting or annoying people, but this then only annoys them further as they view it more as childish and unfair as they can't have discussions about things like that.
2. They want me to give a specific reason for why I did it, so in this case not doing the shopping or asking for help, and I don't have an answer as I don't know, all I could say is I was waiting for the car to be fixed, but that just got them angry as they "don't want excuses" just reasons so it can be fixed.
The issue though is honestly I don't know what to say or how to sort it as I was just waiting for the car as to me that made sense until we ran out of something we needed, but they don't like anything running out and prefer things to constantly be in stock. This then creates issues with getting help though as I've been to therapy and coaching and neither has helped a great deal as they put the emphasis on you to identify the issue, but other than knowing I'm bad at remembering things I don't know why I do it.
Has anybody else had experience with this and found a good way to word or to get get help? or found a way to sort it themselves. At this point people are just viewing me as selfish and not caring about them, when at the very least I don't want to be like that, but its hard to sort as I don't actively think "Oh I could do that to help them, nah I don't care" I just don't think about things like that unless asked to help or actively seeing somebody who needs help with something.
They are now pushing me to seek help for my "motivation, priorities, manners, coping mechanics and development of life skills" but as I've already tried therapy and coaching as they haven't seemed to help I don't know what to do. I'm more than willing to accept I am just inherently selfish and crap at life skills, but especially when combined with being autistic I just don't even know where to start.
Your response to this issue sounds very logical and sensible to me. Going food shopping with a car is obviously much easier in terms of the practicalities of transporting the groceries home. The alternative using public transport can be a nightmare to navigate for an autistic person. With good planning most of us should have sufficient food in the cupboards and freezer to last several weeks at least.
The suggestion of therapy and coaching seems completely out of proportion to the issue. I suspect there is a lot more to it and this person is using it as a form of attack. If the other person is not autistic it can lead to communication issues.
Personally I don't think you should be gaslighted into believing you have done anything wrong. Perhaps ask how they would have expected you to communicate your decision to postpone the shopping, to avoid any such misunderstandings in future.
The issue is its 1 in a long line of similar things, such as forgetting to do things and not doing house care as often as she would like. Her partner (who was also autistic) used to live with us who agreed with her that is was my problem thus why I'm more inclined to believe at least some of it is my issue.
Unfortunately I can't really as them how they expected me to communicate as after years of these kinds of thing she just gets annoyed at anything like that adding extra load onto her and tends to just say to do it like a normal person, and that her and her partner manage it so I should be able to and it isn't anything to do with autism.
This has been 1 of the worst parts of the diagnosis for me honestly, they give no support after to help you understand any of the specifics of how it effects you, so I honestly have no idea what is related to the autism and what is just me being useless. And as I said in coaching/therapy they ask for things for you to work on, but a lot of my issues end up coming from forgetting things very easily unless I set an alarm, which only works for appointments I set and nothing else effects after that, or from doing something how I think it should be done only to learn its not at all how much normal people do it.