Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I have an issue where the person I like with is constantly getting annoyed by things I do (or don't do), for example recently my car was in the garage for almost a week and I normally do the shopping, but as I go in the car I was putting it off until I got the car back as they didn't give me a set time so it could always be the next day. This then resulted in then confronting me about why I had been lazy and not done it or asked them for help with it. This then resulted in 2 problems.
1. I started to shutdown as discussions like this have happened a lot and a lot and I don't like upsetting or annoying people, but this then only annoys them further as they view it more as childish and unfair as they can't have discussions about things like that.
2. They want me to give a specific reason for why I did it, so in this case not doing the shopping or asking for help, and I don't have an answer as I don't know, all I could say is I was waiting for the car to be fixed, but that just got them angry as they "don't want excuses" just reasons so it can be fixed.
The issue though is honestly I don't know what to say or how to sort it as I was just waiting for the car as to me that made sense until we ran out of something we needed, but they don't like anything running out and prefer things to constantly be in stock. This then creates issues with getting help though as I've been to therapy and coaching and neither has helped a great deal as they put the emphasis on you to identify the issue, but other than knowing I'm bad at remembering things I don't know why I do it.
Has anybody else had experience with this and found a good way to word or to get get help? or found a way to sort it themselves. At this point people are just viewing me as selfish and not caring about them, when at the very least I don't want to be like that, but its hard to sort as I don't actively think "Oh I could do that to help them, nah I don't care" I just don't think about things like that unless asked to help or actively seeing somebody who needs help with something.
They are now pushing me to seek help for my "motivation, priorities, manners, coping mechanics and development of life skills" but as I've already tried therapy and coaching as they haven't seemed to help I don't know what to do. I'm more than willing to accept I am just inherently selfish and crap at life skills, but especially when combined with being autistic I just don't even know where to start.
NAS64138 said:They are now pushing me to seek help for my "motivation, priorities, manners, coping mechanics and development of life skills"
It sounds like you have a clear difference in expectations for this sort of thing but have no explicit set of rules around it that you both signed up to.
My push back would be "if you don't like it then either you do the shopping instead or we define stock levels of certain items and I will do my best to make sure we always have that stock level".
This puts the onus on them to create the stock list that they consider essential, you still do your shopping as and when practical and you can keep one extra of the non-perishable items in stock to keep them happy.
This next part is based on you being in a relationship - it isn't clear if living with them is on this basis or just as a flat mate, so ignore it if it is not as a partner.
If this is merely a symptom of other similar behaviour then I think you really need to be looking at couples therapy as this is moving from being an annoyance to something you need to post on here for advice about - it is growning as does the resentment.
The counselling helps tease out the reasons for the demands, the emotional drivers behind them, teaches techniques of negotiation over these expectation mismatches and teaches better overall communication techniques so you can get past the annoyances and spend more time on the stuff that is good between you.
They have requested that stocks be kept at certain levels, however the issue is they do the cooking and expect me to keep checking things to see if they have run out when I go shopping, and as we don't have a constant list of things I often forget something until she comes to need it, and requesting her to make a list and update it as things get used would likely be classed as putting more stress on her as she does all the socialising and house improvement planning,
She is just a friend I live with, her partner lived with us for a while though and he agreed with her that the problem was me as this is just 1 of many times something similar has happened where either I forget to do something, don't do something often enough, or do something based on how I think it should be done but isn't how they want. As they are both autistic I'm inclined to believe them at least that some of it is things I need to improve on, but as I've not lived with anybody else I don't know how much is also just them having a specific way of operating that doesn't gel with me and the only real solution is to move into our own places.
Can you stick a whiteboard/notepad on the fridge so she can quickly write on it when she uses the last of something? Then you add those things to your list before you head out shopping?