Having a wobble

thank you I will check that out 

Thank you for replying. Rumination has always been a compulsion of mine and I think possibly having a new autistic lens to look at events through is just too much for me as a lot of the events are quite traumatic. 
thank you for the suggestion of a sensory distraction - have a cat and a dog who would be very obliging  

Oh you silly goose.  If you are going to direct someone to a site, do try to get your fingers to hit the right keys.

I believe you meant to type ....... aspergerstestsite.com

An alternative way of dealing with this is to go to the asergertestsite.com and do their test. then you'll know.

Whilst an official diagnosis is more credible, their test seems accurate enough when compared to the NHS one, I scored the same on both.

When you know, you know...

Hello Magdalena

I’m also waiting for my assessment (I’m 30), and I too have also been feeling very lonely and overwhelmed during this period. I’ve been using my energy to research autism, as was recommended to me on this forum, and I’ve been allowing myself to indulge more in my current fixation to keep my mind happy too. Both have helped a lot. 

I understand what you mean when you say “I can’t begin to reframe what’s happening in my head without knowing if I am actually autistic.” I feel like I will benefit from a definitive answer, and from there I can begin to understand my mind. Until our assessments come, I think it’s best to redirect the energy into other things.

Living in the present is a good start, if I feel my brain running away to the past or the future, I tend to find my cat and stroke her fur to bring me back to the now. I wonder if something sensory could help you too? 

Thank you. I am trying to pluck up the courage to talk to my mum and dad. I think that is one of the things that I’m struggling with the most. 

Welcome to the community.

Reprocessing past events through a new found autistic lens is something that happens to many of us when we realise we are autistic. I do think it can be a necessary process to come to terms with a diagnosis. It can help to change any wrong beliefs that we are a failure because of how things happened in the past. However devoting too much mental energy to such retrospective thinking can stop you living in the present or planning for the future, which can be unhelpful.

If you are unsure about the outcome of the diagnostic process the uncertainty is hard to deal with while you are on the waiting list. Personally I found the the best way for me to deal with it was to document everything in a factual way and then try and avoid thinking about it as much as possible until the actual appointments. Distraction with a special interest might help.

Otherwise you'll end up tying yourself in knots with a lots of 'what if' type thinking that wastes mental energy and achieves very little.

You could maybe ask your parents about your early childhood, without necessarily telling them why if you don't want to share at this stage in the process. It might be useful if asked during the diagnostic appointment, particularly if they are not involved in the process.

Thank you for your reply. I have spent my whole life dissecting my past looking for the reasons why I have struggled socially and have such daily anxiety. I’m pinning so much hope on an autism diagnosis so that I can stop looking for what’s ‘wrong’ with me and move on with accepting my self. Your advice to take my energy in to documenting and planning is an excellent idea, thank you  

There is no point worrying about things that have already happened as they cannot be changed. Worry about what you will do and this will give you a much more useful focus if you must worry at all.

Look on the past, if you can, as a textbook. It is all facts written into a storyline. If you spot a clue (ie where you notice autism had an impact on something) then write it down. Harness it and it will give you stuff to talk about with a therapist post diagnosis.

Once you have gone over the main aspects of your history and made these notes then it is good to gather these and think about how they affected you and whether you want these to be different in future. Some things (eg avoiding places with loud music if it hurts you) are pretty simple to plan for but where you still struggle is where you should place most energy.

Remember that worrying about the past can only cause you stress - don't do it.

If you have hurt someone as a result of it then consider how you will adapt (or not) in future and work on that. Think how you may inform the person, possibly apologise if you hurt them and work out where you need help to become better at changing your actions - or even just accepting that this is who you really are.

Take all your nervous energy now and channel it into documenting, classifying and planning as these are productive, positive ways to deal with what you are experiencing.

You may not be autistic too, that is one thing to consider so plan what to do if this is the case. If nothing else it keeps you from worrying about the past for a bit longer