Published on 12, July, 2020
This is the first time I’ve posted on here. I’m acting a bit impulsively as I’m really panicking. I’m 47, waiting for a psych U.K. assessment, reading up as much as I can on autism and I feel like my grip on my lived experience is slipping away. I’m questioning everything. I’m going over past experiences that I thought I understood and questioning my version, I’m wondering how much I’ve missed in social contexts and worrying how people perceive me. And I can’t begin to reframe what’s happening in my head without knowing if I am actually autistic. I haven’t spoken to my elderly parents about any of this and usually I talk to them about everything. I’m worried that they won’t believe me or that they might realise that they might be autistic too. I have a strong feeling they both are and I don’t want them to have to go through this unsettling experience. My adult son thinks that he is autistic too but doesn’t have an interest in getting assessed as he feels it doesn’t affect his life much. I think I’m feeling separate, isolated and lonely and just need to know that other people have felt like this.
Welcome to the community.
Reprocessing past events through a new found autistic lens is something that happens to many of us when we realise we are autistic. I do think it can be a necessary process to come to terms with a diagnosis. It can help to change any wrong beliefs that we are a failure because of how things happened in the past. However devoting too much mental energy to such retrospective thinking can stop you living in the present or planning for the future, which can be unhelpful.
If you are unsure about the outcome of the diagnostic process the uncertainty is hard to deal with while you are on the waiting list. Personally I found the the best way for me to deal with it was to document everything in a factual way and then try and avoid thinking about it as much as possible until the actual appointments. Distraction with a special interest might help.
Otherwise you'll end up tying yourself in knots with a lots of 'what if' type thinking that wastes mental energy and achieves very little.
You could maybe ask your parents about your early childhood, without necessarily telling them why if you don't want to share at this stage in the process. It might be useful if asked during the diagnostic appointment, particularly if they are not involved in the process.
Thank you. I am trying to pluck up the courage to talk to my mum and dad. I think that is one of the things that I’m struggling with the most.