Published on 12, July, 2020
This is the first time I’ve posted on here. I’m acting a bit impulsively as I’m really panicking. I’m 47, waiting for a psych U.K. assessment, reading up as much as I can on autism and I feel like my grip on my lived experience is slipping away. I’m questioning everything. I’m going over past experiences that I thought I understood and questioning my version, I’m wondering how much I’ve missed in social contexts and worrying how people perceive me. And I can’t begin to reframe what’s happening in my head without knowing if I am actually autistic. I haven’t spoken to my elderly parents about any of this and usually I talk to them about everything. I’m worried that they won’t believe me or that they might realise that they might be autistic too. I have a strong feeling they both are and I don’t want them to have to go through this unsettling experience. My adult son thinks that he is autistic too but doesn’t have an interest in getting assessed as he feels it doesn’t affect his life much. I think I’m feeling separate, isolated and lonely and just need to know that other people have felt like this.
There is no point worrying about things that have already happened as they cannot be changed. Worry about what you will do and this will give you a much more useful focus if you must worry at all.
Look on the past, if you can, as a textbook. It is all facts written into a storyline. If you spot a clue (ie where you notice autism had an impact on something) then write it down. Harness it and it will give you stuff to talk about with a therapist post diagnosis.
Once you have gone over the main aspects of your history and made these notes then it is good to gather these and think about how they affected you and whether you want these to be different in future. Some things (eg avoiding places with loud music if it hurts you) are pretty simple to plan for but where you still struggle is where you should place most energy.
Remember that worrying about the past can only cause you stress - don't do it.
If you have hurt someone as a result of it then consider how you will adapt (or not) in future and work on that. Think how you may inform the person, possibly apologise if you hurt them and work out where you need help to become better at changing your actions - or even just accepting that this is who you really are.
Take all your nervous energy now and channel it into documenting, classifying and planning as these are productive, positive ways to deal with what you are experiencing.
You may not be autistic too, that is one thing to consider so plan what to do if this is the case. If nothing else it keeps you from worrying about the past for a bit longer
Thank you for your reply. I have spent my whole life dissecting my past looking for the reasons why I have struggled socially and have such daily anxiety. I’m pinning so much hope on an autism diagnosis so that I can stop looking for what’s ‘wrong’ with me and move on with accepting my self. Your advice to take my energy in to documenting and planning is an excellent idea, thank you