Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I introduced myself about a month ago - I'm nearly 40, female, pansexual and started working for the NAS 4 months ago.
I finally told my wife I think I might be autistic. Initially, she ignored what i said but later she questioned WHY I need a formal diagnosis. I've explained to her several times that it'd be good to know if I am as it would explain a lot of my history.
It's been a few weeks, I've bought some stim toys and have started exploring this potential side of myself/trying to unmask. I've filled in the preassessment forms (as have my parents who are SUPER supportive, especially my dad). My wife still doesn't understand why I'm seeking a diagnosis.
Or why my behaviour has changed since I started considering I might be autistic/starting to learn about autism (which started way before I told her I was thinking about it).
Apparently an outsider would think I was faking it - that I've been doing so much research about autism so that I can pretend to be autistic because it's 'cool' to get a diagnosis.
She's decided that because SHE wouldn't ever seek a diagnosis, there's no reason for me to either.
I'm now not allowed to display any behaviour that might be autistic as it's probably me putting it on. I feel I'm not able to explore this in her presence - I have a small penguin (Arnold) that I've started enjoying stimming with - shes criticised this as I've 'suddenly started carrying soft toys around with me' - she has seem me with him once.
In the end, I had to say I don't want to talk about it anymore.
She's acting as if she knows everything but she's clearly done no reading on the subject at all. She's a well-educated paramedic prescriber.
It's making me feel very tired (I also have a chronic pain/permanent nerve damage condition) and low and reducing my self-worth to zero, which doesn't help me trying to get used to a new job or my sleep.
Thanks for reading. Any advice would be appreciated.
No you haven't offended me.
My post I suppose describes how my wife has reacted to my autism. We do have good times too - although I acknowledge this critique f4om her is a big thing. Oddly when we're not talking about it she's her usual self.
We've been together nearly 12 years and married for 9.
We have a house and dogs and a life. Oddly, because of this, it would be very difficult for me to leave and there are lots of reasons to stay.
At the moment, the big issue is her treatment of me regarding wanting an autism assessment, my behaviour since beginning to think about it, and the worry of what the future holds.
Jenn
Hi again, can I just state the obvious, in all of your post and replies you haven’t mentioned one nice thing about your partner. Do you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone so controlling? You seem happier when she’s not with you. Apologies if I’ve offended you.
it might be because she percieves you changing yourself, and a change into a different person is tricky in a relationship as they didnt love or marry this new person they loved you for who you was who they knew you as before. so any change in behaviour or personality will always be damaging to a relationship
Hi Roy,
It is controlling. She's always been like that (well, since we got married).
I might start sharing info graphics with my parents and wife via our shared WhatsApp group. I don't want to seem as if I'm forcing it on her though. There's a chance she'll dismiss it as not valid enough. She's very arrogant.
We shall see and I'll keep you all updated.
Hi AT,
Thank you for your kind words - they make me feel a little better!
Yes that exactly describes how I feel - embarrassed too and shameful because it's quite a trigger for me - times colleagues or school peers have criticised me or looked down on me have been fairly frequent.
I would and have been on board with everything she's ever done, including paying for all her food and petrol whilst she was at uni, proofreading all her assignments since, and going with her to concerts to see artists I'm not that interested in.
Unfortunately, trying to forcably educate her regarding autism will be met with huge resistance.
I'm hoping once my assessment is done things will be a little clearer. I do worry though - she's under the impression I'm going to fake it and convince the clinician I'm Autistic when I'm not, which obviously isn't true.
I've been enjoying unmasking and am free to do it at work (I'm a senior support worker). I feel less constricted.
But yep eggshell walking has commenced. We do live together. It just feels disheartening. I wish I'd never told her I was pursuing this.
I have Thursdays off and wife works 0730-1800 so the house is mine today.
Hi, your wife shouldn’t actually not allow you to display or discuss why you may be autistic. It’s a bit controlling.
Jenn said:Apparently an outsider would think I was faking it
Most of the outside world never notices us, if we do occasionally act differently it’s because we are autistic. There is a bit of, “ it’s trendy and the latest fad” by the neurotypical world. It’s really trendy, we get to be in one of the highest suicide groups! Definitely not trendy, I’m glad your parents are onboard, they have known you for your whole life. Maybe with your wife go “ slowly catchy monkey,” I found with some of my family that I had to “drip feed “ them. The main thing is you must be you, I’m most probably older, over the years the masking destroys you. If you’re partner loves you then she will accept you for whoever you are.
Hi jenn,
Oh wow, your post made me feel quite sad.
I have been going through the autism diagnosis thing alone (eg. I don't have a partner) and I hadn't factored in how it must feel if my other half wasn't onboard with the whole thing. If I was you, I would be feeling quite deflated, misunderstood and even a bit rejected? Why wouldn't she be all in on this with you? Would you be all in on this if it was her? I'm sure you would, you sound lovely.
Maybe her weird defensiveness is coming from a place of fear, or misinformation? Maybe she doesn't truly mean what autism means or is? I would suggest the best route through this is education. Maybe even employ an autism coach and sit down with them 2:1, so she can sit in on the discussion and learn more.
"It's cool to get a diagnosis" - what on earth??? Is it??
I would feel so self conscious and even a bit like walking on egg shells if I had to watch my behaviour around someone in my own home (assuming you live together) in case you did something a 'bit autistic.' That must be so disheartening and tiring for you.
I am here to listen I truly am, because I am really feeling for your hard situation here. Keep posting, we're here for you :) x
It might be worth sounding your wife out on the possibility that she may be thinking, with you diagnosed as autistic, that she will have to do more of the 'heavy lifting' in your relationship. If you reassure her that you are not seeking a diagnosis in order to be excused from pulling your weight, she might come round. Just a thought.
Here is an article that you may benefit from:
www.forbes.com/.../
I would just keep going, as you approach screening, they have multi-disciplinary team to filter out any bias. As you go on the process will speak for itself. Those doing screening are not fools and the field of psychology is jam-packed with measures to prevent bias..