Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm currently abroad which means I don't have access to the support systems I've relied on for the past 3 months.
I've spoken about said situation on here a couple of times but I seem to flip flop between feeling determined to turn my life around and feeling angry and frustrated that it happened in this way. Context is here: community.autism.org.uk/.../i-m-in-an-incredibly-isolating-situation
I know my life needed changing, as well as my behaviour/attitude and everything else, but thousands of strangers online screaming at me calling me pretty much every name under the sun (however justified it was) doesn't do me any favours. If anything it makes me want to give up.
I'm at that stage where I really don't know if I can hold on much longer. I can't see much hope for the future and I'm still grieving the loss of my wider support network. I don't feel like I want to make new friends and I don't see why I should have to "get over" it.
This is just a vent.
Hi I am so sorry you're struggling. It must be really difficult for you being without your usual support. Please keep posting here if you need to, more valuable and helpful members will be online soon :-)
In the meantime I found this list on crisis helplines on Wiki.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
Wherever you are, it should be amongst this list somewhere.
I hope this helps and you're feeling supported soon.
Thank you. I emailed Samaritans back and forth for a while but I am still struggling.
We booked this holiday before everything happened and I think it has turned out to be completely the wrong time.
I'm glad Samaritans are supporting you through this.
I'm sorry the holiday was the wrong time for you. Stay safe and keep seeking support when you need to.
That's very kind of you to say, thank you.
I think it would be much easier to ignore those things if it was a small number of people. As it happens, there's hundreds and a lot of them have big profiles. The person who shared them initially has 15k followers or something - they could have put my phone number on there, asked people to send me abuse on the basis of me being all the things I've been called (nonce, predator, abuser etc) and people will do it. And they'll be the hero.
I've tried to rationalise it. I do understand why people were angry (and probably still are). I understand why they were so venomous towards me. I had no issue with the people close to me calling me out - when hundreds more pile in, you don't really learn anything. It doesn't make me feel better even though I understand why people responded like they did. I still wish it was handled in a more professional way.
Life doesn't prepare you for that sort of thing. I reacted in a way initially that made it worse (I asked people to report the screenshots and I wasn't taking full responsibility) and *those* messages were also put onto Twitter. I made a statement but I got torn to shreds even more but after my initial handling, I'm not too surprised. It was damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I didn't say anything, I'm not taking accountability - after I did, I was supposedly not remorseful.
There's a bit of demand avoidance too. It didn't matter how right the total strangers were when they'd tell me to "get help" and "do better" and "stay away from women" - my mind is like "who are you to tell me what to do? You have no idea who I am" but I guess social media gives people that freedom.
I don't know who to trust now, because I can't be worrying that everything I say in private will be blasted online (even though I have learnt to respect the other person's boundaries).
I look at my school experience differently now. I got bullied but it didn't impact me this badly, and I knew it wasn't my fault. It has ironically made it easier for me to leave that behind.
I hope I can hit the ground running when I get back in terms of keeping myself busy but it's all feeling one step forward, two steps back.