Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve been raised by narcissistic parents who treat me like absolute crap, they push me around and threaten to take me to the mental hospital. They scream at me and belittle me yet they will love bomb me and expect me to be grateful for what they’ve done for me.
My mom was nagging at me as usual, and I’m getting tired of her, I told her over and over again that she doesn’t need to repeat it a hundred times. She yelled at me “now don’t you start that tone with me girl!”. I yelled at her that she never shuts up and will exaggerate everything that involves me. Her response is “I’m just concerned about you cause you were going to burn yourself”. I told her that she shouldn’t be treating me like a three year old which she keeps denying.
I slammed the door outside in anger, while she screams at me “you better not start that slamming and rampaging with me again girl!”. I screamed back at her “shut the f*** up you b****!”. Normally I don’t swear at her or call her derogatory names but she has pushed me over the years treating me like pure crap calling me a monster and never acting like a normal human being, and yet she wonders why I act the way she labels me.
I marched outside back to my home, and dad demanded me that I better march back inside and apologize to her. I refused and justified it with “she never apologized for me and meant it, so why should I do the same for her?!”. Dad threatened me that he and mom will take me to therapy if I don’t clean up my act. He yelled at me some more “your mother and I expect you to treat your parents with more respect! We do absolutely everything for you, look at the food on your plate, look at what she cooked for you! And this is how you treat your mother?!”
I told him “you and mom are not entitled to the respect from me if you fail to give respect to your own children! Just because I was born to you doesn’t offer you any favors that I should be overwhelmingly worshipping you!”. He yelled at me that he and mom are disowning me, which I find hilarious because a couple of days later they go back to live bombing me.
I’ve had enough of them. And I’m sure they’ll blame me for everything else anyway and deny any of this was their fault. I dunno man.
It sounds a little-like there is a negative-tone that pervades the dialogue that you have with your parents, I think that therapy is actually a positive-thing and I think that weaponising mental-health pathways is wrong, if you were to take on therapy it would be an obstacle that these things have been used to reprimand you in the past. Over-familiarity aside, it is never a good thing to get so ‘extra’ with others, if you/they are not 90% the way to achieving your/their ends. It is likely the case that your parents love you, and really want you to succeed, but they do not have a clear-picture of how to help. I think you would see a positive improvement if you stopped-short of getting-personal, because it just never gets the job done, just as your parents cannot push or pull you either-way by getting-personal, you likely will not see results either. If nothing-else just resist the urge to be kinder to yourself, you may not be able to resist all the time, but if you resist the trigger you can you will feel better for it..
Actually you don’t know if my parents actually love me or not. There are family members who act like they love me but really they just the attention.
Are you telling me it’s ok for me to be demeaning to myself? I don’t think you understand how resisting the urge to get personal actually means bottling up my emotions. It is dangerous to bottle up one’s emotions, because it can physically kill us. I’ve done this for years in fact, and it’s done a lot more harm than good.
I am also an HSP. Being told not to take things personal is like telling me to grow thick skin. It’s unhealthy and expects me to completely change myself all while letting my parents remain the way they are. I cannot change the way I am, I was born an HSP and being expected to change myself is a form of mutilation for me. Taking things personally is actually a good thing because not doing so is often the result of being a pushover.
I’ve had people walk all over me because I didn’t take things personally. and when I began to challenge their beliefs and being kinder to myself, they get upset and would try to bring me down because they are used to treating me as their doormat.
Ii am proud to be an HSP and I will not change that part of me to please other people. I used to be a people pleaser but I’m not anymore. Advice such as these is a drag for us HSP’s and dismissive of how our bodies and minds work. It is better to just accept who we are.
In the most-dispassionate way I can think to tell you, it isn’t feelings that seem to be the issue, at least in the sense of how your dialogue reads, it is your over-use of superlatives. Using maximal-terms to make your point, doesn’t make your text read more strongly, it makes your writing sound dogmatic and unyielding, I’m not saying that you are these things, I’m just saying that it reads that way. In my experience not-using the more-right grammar leads one to communicate ineffectively, ineffective-communication leads to ineffective-reasoning, which leads on to ineffective-negotiation. I am not saying you are these things, just as I am making the point that using grammar more-properly does not mean that you are being less-genuine, I’m just saying that if you use grammar more-properly and don’t jump to the most-extreme words straight-away, you may see an uptick in your circumstance and mood. Just as your parents should avoid making intervention seem-threatening, by weaponising its use in argument, you should try not use superlatives straight-out-of-the-gate. I’m not suggesting this one point to make you more-easily exploitable or cold, I’m making this point so that you can feel less-threatened, and do-better negotiation. Believe it or not I wouldn’t accept an argument, if I thought someone had an agenda or seemed-like they didn’t understand or seemed-like they didn’t care. But I’m not that guy, I’m a hypocrite and I’ve done all-sorts of harm to myself and others by trying to flog-a-dead-horse as it were. All I’m saying is that, stating that something is concerning, leads to a healthier-mindset than saying something is threatening. Sometimes a well-placed pause or disengagement does wonders for the purposes of negotiation, I does not mean that you are speechless or muted, it is a grammatical-tool.
As an autistic I struggle often with the English language itself because there are way too many rules I’m expected to follow. I honestly don’t care if I’m “outed” for doing something that’s completely mundane. Nt’s have no clue what experiencing learning difficulties feels like and so they tend to make judgments on what sort of dialogue I speak.
I simply can’t just watch my language, as I’ve said, my brain has limited vocabulary. If people ostracize me for bad grammar, something that I cannot control, that’s on them. Besides, I have no other way of expressing my opinions and experiences. It’s not their business to expect me to act intelligent to the NT perspective.
Having good grammar doesn’t actually make you intelligent however, being open-minded, on the other hand, does.
In honesty you sound like a interesting and intelligent person, if you saw that I was trying to draw you away from your main concern, you saw correctly, that’s exactly what I was doing..:) Distraction from relapse into trauma-made coping-strategies, is basically the meat-and-potatoes of psychological-intervention, it sounds like you’ve had too much of the common-garden negative-feedback that neurotypicals usually offer. I believe that conventional ‘common-sense’ tactics are often old and unoriginal for most autistic-persons, the more-experienced we get, the more-imaginative you have to get with description of advice. I do understand that you are not asking for reassurance, I am just assuming that a fresh-take isn’t a totally useless tool, perhaps the consideration of language-used will offer you an ‘out’ in heated-conversations with your parents. I’m only offering you my continued dialogue, because your genuine-digression, made me empathise with in some way, there are not a lot of autistic-adults who haven’t accumulated baggage as a result of malice and indifference from the neurotypical world. I only have the intention to offer my genuine and long-suffered experiences and lessons to you..:) I hope that is comes in handy at some point..:)