Parents talk garbage to me and expect me to be grateful

As an autistic I struggle often with the English language itself because there are way too many rules I’m expected to follow. I honestly don’t care if I’m “outed” for doing something that’s completely mundane. Nt’s have no clue what experiencing learning difficulties feels like and so they tend to make judgments on what sort of dialogue I speak.

I simply can’t just watch my language, as I’ve said, my brain has limited vocabulary. If people ostracize me for bad grammar, something that I cannot control, that’s on them. Besides, I have no other way of expressing my opinions and experiences. It’s not their business to expect me to act intelligent to the NT perspective.

Having good grammar doesn’t actually make you intelligent however, being open-minded, on the other hand, does.

In honesty you sound like a interesting and intelligent person, if you saw that I was trying to draw you away from your main concern, you saw correctly, that’s exactly what I was doing..:)   
Distraction from relapse into trauma-made coping-strategies, is basically the meat-and-potatoes of psychological-intervention, it sounds like you’ve had too much of the common-garden negative-feedback that neurotypicals usually offer.  
I believe that conventional ‘common-sense’ tactics are often old and unoriginal for most autistic-persons, the more-experienced we get, the more-imaginative you have to get with description of advice. I do understand that you are not asking for reassurance, I am just assuming that a fresh-take isn’t a totally useless tool, perhaps the consideration of language-used will offer you an ‘out’ in heated-conversations with your parents. 
I’m only offering you my continued dialogue, because your genuine-digression, made me empathise with in some way, there are not a lot of autistic-adults who haven’t accumulated baggage as a result of malice and indifference from the neurotypical world. I only have the intention to offer my genuine and long-suffered experiences and lessons to you..:) I hope that is comes in handy at some point..:)

Not that I know of.

That's tough. That sounds like coercive control. Do you have other support? 

When it comes to finances, yep.

I thought so. I was going to suggest that you try to claim benefits if you were in the UK but that's irrelevant then. Are you reliant on your parents for your home? 

I’m afraid you don’t understand how my brain works. As an HSP, I need to use superlatives. I do not abide by grammar standards. My brain is also limited when it comes to words. It’s fine if you’re bothered by how I use my words. But that does not give you the excuse to dismiss the feelings I’m feeling.

Being judgmental on the minor things I say and do is stirring the focus off my main concern, my need to be supported. My grammar should not matter to you, this is an autistic forum, not a school lecture.

Please just let me be, and do not judge how I use my grammar. You don’t know me. If you are so sensitive to how I say things and how “exaggerated” and “superlative” I sound, then you shouldn’t be bothering to replying to my OP in the first place. You have the option to vent about how much you hate bad grammar as a post of your own.

In short, your reply sounds very dismissive and strays the focus away from my main point by complaining over my “use of superlatives”. I really don’t care anymore. Let me use the words however I like. I do not have the privilege to choose to make good grammar. My brain is what it is. You are not my grammar teacher. Do not expect me to change that. I am not here to please you. I am here to have my voice heard. End of discussion.

In the most-dispassionate way I can think to tell you, it isn’t feelings that seem to be the issue, at least in the sense of how your dialogue reads, it is your over-use of superlatives. Using maximal-terms to make your point, doesn’t make your text read more strongly, it makes your writing sound dogmatic and unyielding, I’m not saying that you are these things, I’m just saying that it reads that way.
In my experience not-using the more-right grammar leads one to communicate ineffectively, ineffective-communication leads to ineffective-reasoning, which leads on to ineffective-negotiation. 
I am not saying you are these things, just as I am making the point that using grammar more-properly does not mean that you are being less-genuine, I’m just saying that if you use grammar more-properly and don’t jump to the most-extreme words straight-away, you may see an uptick in your circumstance and mood. Just as your parents should avoid making intervention seem-threatening, by weaponising its use in argument, you should try not use superlatives straight-out-of-the-gate. 
I’m not suggesting this one point to make you more-easily exploitable or cold, I’m making this point so that you can feel less-threatened, and do-better negotiation. Believe it or not I wouldn’t accept an argument, if I thought someone had an agenda or seemed-like they didn’t understand or seemed-like they didn’t care. But I’m not that guy, I’m a hypocrite and I’ve done all-sorts of harm to myself and others by trying to flog-a-dead-horse as it were. All I’m saying is that, stating that something is concerning, leads to a healthier-mindset than saying something is threatening. Sometimes a well-placed pause or disengagement does wonders for the purposes of negotiation, I does not mean that you are speechless or muted, it is a grammatical-tool.

Actually you don’t know if my parents actually love me or not. There are family members who act like they love me but really they just the attention.

Are you telling me it’s ok for me to be demeaning to myself? I don’t think you understand how resisting the urge to get personal actually means bottling up my emotions. It is dangerous to bottle up one’s emotions, because it can physically kill us. I’ve done this for years in fact, and it’s done a lot more harm than good.

I am also an HSP. Being told not to take things personal is like telling me to grow thick skin. It’s unhealthy and expects me to completely change myself all while letting my parents remain the way they are. I cannot change the way I am, I was born an HSP and being expected to change myself is a form of mutilation for me. Taking things personally is actually a good thing because not doing so is often the result of being a pushover.

I’ve had people walk all over me because I didn’t take things personally. and when I began to challenge their beliefs and being kinder to myself, they get upset and would try to bring me down because they are used to treating me as their doormat.

Ii am proud to be an HSP and I will not change that part of me to please other people. I used to be a people pleaser but I’m not anymore. Advice such as these is a drag for us HSP’s and dismissive of how our bodies and minds work. It is better to just accept who we are.

I live in the US and I’ve already moved out.

Where are you living? I'm asking because the spellings and expressions you use sound American and that will impact what support is available to you. 

It sounds a little-like there is a negative-tone that pervades the dialogue that you have with your parents, I think that therapy is actually a positive-thing and I think that weaponising mental-health pathways is wrong, if you were to take on therapy it would be an obstacle that these things have been used to reprimand you in the past.  
Over-familiarity aside, it is never a good thing to get so ‘extra’ with others, if you/they are not 90% the way to achieving your/their ends. It is likely the case that your parents love you, and really want you to succeed, but they do not have a clear-picture of how to help.  
I think you would see a positive improvement if you stopped-short of getting-personal, because it just never gets the job done, just as your parents cannot push or pull you either-way by getting-personal, you likely will not see results either. If nothing-else just resist the urge to be kinder to yourself, you may not be able to resist all the time, but if you resist the trigger you can you will feel better for it..

It is only for me to vent and have someone to understand where I’m coming from. I can understand why you’re confused about this.

these sorts of advice as very unsolicited and unnecessary, as it finishes the emotions of others.

I'm not offering any advice, but can you clarify what it is you ARE looking for please.

If it is just to vent then that is valid. I thought you were looking for ways to tackle what is a very difficult situation, but looking back that was me reading between the lines. Sorry if that was the case.

I see the sort of “I will not comfort you so I will tell you how I think you should deal with these things” as very authoritarian. I dislike the authoritarian behavior. It places the vulnerable like me on a very low pedestal. I also do not like to deal with my problems and whenever I talk about them, note that I am discussing it with desperate need of validation, not to get over myself.

I cannot ignore my problems and deal with them at all like nt’s do. That is not how I function. And I will not deal with it, because it replaces me in a responsible position that I am 100% to fail at, and it will not work for me. Because for years I have tried, and all my attempts to deal with these situations have failed. I’m used to constant failure and wound up believing that there is no point in changing that. I’ve felt responsible for every single thing that has happened to me like everything is my fault. I’ve even felt it was my fault my older brother died at birth.

the last thing I would need is someone who refuses to comfort me and say “your feelings are valid, I’m there for you”. But I thank you for trying to understand. I personally these sorts of advice as very unsolicited and unnecessary, as it finishes the emotions of others.

I tried to offer an understanding of why things are the way they are based on the information you gave and tried to offer some tactics as a way forward.

There is no judgement in the advice, just practical advice on how I think you can move forward, or if you cannot move forward how you can make peace. There may be some assumptions made and if they are wrong then I'm sorry.

There appears to be significant resistance and I understand you don't like my assessment.

I apologise for not picking up on the fact you had already moved out - the fact you said your parents were complaining about the noise made me think this was current (ie you were living with them).

There was never any attempt by me to acknowledge your suffering - only to explain it. I'm not really the type to comfort and tell you it will be OK. I'm the "if you want to deal with this then I think these steps will work for you" sort.

It sucks to suffer like this - I've been there myself to a different degree and suffered in different ways but I always found my techniques worked for me which is why I share them.

We are all different so there is no gauarantee that one fix works for everyone of course.

I'll stop offering advice now and leave it to any others - please try to understand we do this from a place of compassion, not judgement or criticism. If the advice does not suit you then please be nice to them.

I wish you good luck in dealing with your situation.

I do not agree. The warning is necessary, and the reply is not constructive or helpful. It is dismissive and inconsiderate. It encourages masking one’s emotions and obeying to abusive behavior. How is submitting to abuse helpful? Like at all?

I need to remind you that I am NOT 16-18 neurotypical, because I don’t face the same problems as they do. They have it easier than I do. So I ask of you not to link me in the same patch as a neurotypical. It doesn’t work that way.

Let me ask you this, my parents are not autistic. They don’t have hearing sensitivity like I do. I do not BLAST the headphones leaking out, they exaggerate the noise coming out, and if they don’t like it, they can go to the other room. What I listen to is none of their business. Do you still think it’s right to judge a child with headphones and let a parent who hates headphones blast their phones without any consideration by with it? I cannot go by your experiences because I am a female, my brain works much differently from a male.

And by the logic of your next response, I suppose you may think the same way for a person who suffers from physical paralysis. What if a person with physical paralysis have these same struggles and perhaps even worse and you just dismiss them with “you’re not capable of functioning or getting a real job”? I believe you do not understand the pains regarding burnout and depression. I mean, listen to yourself: “without any way to sustain yourself or even do basic housework then it looks like you cannot get a job or get you own place”. This translates to “you are not suffering you lazy autistic, if you don’t do what the nt world tells you to do, you’re f****d! No excuses, if you cannot do the simplest things in life, then you are not capable of anything, you are a useless human being!”.

“What I would do is revisit your assumption that you cannot do these things - speak to your therapist and see if you can find a way to try these in a different way that is not as stress inducing for you”, did you not pay attention to my previous reply? I DO NOT have a therapist. I cannot afford one. And you concluding my experiences are just an ASSUMPTION to you and expectations to deny my personal reality of my pains makes your statement sound very narrow-minded. Telling me to simply work harder and dig deeper is not an option for me, it is not how my body works. Exhaustion is not a choice. I don’t choose to rest, my body is telling me not to overwork myself. Forcing myself to work harder to please myself is a denial of my mental health. It screams out the assumption that you believe people with autism and depression are just lazy and are unable to accept the reality of the nt world. It also tells me that I should not trust my instincts or listen to my pain. Your advice tells me what I’m experiencing is not real, I’m being delusional, I’m just complaining, I’m just making excuses, i should just simply MASK my problems and act like nothing bad is happening to me. You’re encouraging toxic positivity. These beliefs are all dismissals and examples of gaslighting to make me deny my own reality and accept one that is completely made-up or discriminatory. I repeat, it is GASLIGHTING.

My parents fail because they don’t listen to my problems. They are full of themselves. And telling me to be “brutally honest” is unhelpful and once again denying my reality. Brutal honesty is actually not about being honest, it’s about damaging yourself and diminishing your feelings of stress, it’s to guilt you into believing that you’re not good enough. Also did you not pay attention to my last reply again? I told you I have MOVED OUT. I do not live with them anymore.

And you’re also denying the reality of dysfunctional relationships. You simply cannot make peace with a narcissist, it is not an option. They love the drama they put onto me so they can have an excuse to abuse me and act like I’m the one who’s the problem and pretend to get frustrated at me so they can prove to the world that I’m a monster and they’re not. I repeat, you cannot reason or make peace with a person who wants you constantly under their thumb. You cannot make peace with someone who hates you. That’s not how it works. I have bottled up my emotions for a long time and it has damaged me permanently, and you telling me to bottle them again is just going to kill me eventually.

and finally, you are once again denying my personal struggles with depression. You expect me to do everything they say and think masking my problems and obeying them without a single utter will convince them? Ugh, no! I’ve done it my whole life. I suppose you’re gonna keep on questioning me what I’ve done for them next thing? If you want to be more brutally honest, you might as well tell me to kill myself because your advice and me following through it all my life is physically and mentally KILLING me.

You want to be direct about me, fine. But since you’re so brutally honest, let me be brutally honest to you, and I guarantee you might not like it: your response is very frustrating to me as it invalidates my experiences. It is not a debate, it is a dismissal, it screams out “I don’t care about your feelings, think about the poor nt’s you’ve hurt!”.

and yes, your advice is uncomfortable for me and very unhelpful as it fails to acknowledge the pain I’m in, and makes the situation worse for me. That sort of advice tells me what I’ve experienced is my fault, no one else’s. It tells me it’s my fault I’m such a difficult person, my fault that I was born autistic. It throws nothing but blame and shame and hate. You expect people to follow through to your advice when you have no clue how it actually makes them feel. You’re autistic aren’t you? Then stop trying to defend the neurotypical POV so much and invalidating your own community. Advice when a person is suffering and needs empathy is damaging and makes the situation worse.

Telling someone to just ignore their feelings and question their own reality and simply get off their lazy ass and do something about it so no one will have to hear them complain anymore is derogatory and abusive behavior. Not everyone needs your direct message or advice, some people like me thrive on being told that they’re not alone and their feelings are valid. We don’t ask to be guilted and believed it’s entirely our fault, we don’t ask to be dismissed, we ask to be loved and respected. We are not neurotypical, so do not link us in the same patch as them. We will never be like them so I ask you to respect our boundaries and not treat us like them.

Its no harm to remind us. We all mean well. 

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