Parents talk garbage to me and expect me to be grateful

This sounds like a fairly common teenager / parent dynamic to me

I think both sides tend to exagerate the inteactions and over-react because of the frustrations of the other side not sharing their understanding / point of view etc

This is not to lessen the frustration you feel - I just wanted to point out that it is more common than you may think and is a based in the natural "time to fly the nest" instinct that drives most offspring to move on from the family to become independent.

In your case you cannot complete this due to your dependencies and it is magnifying the frustration further.

So, looking at it from a clinical point of view - you are having your basic needs of shelter and food taken care of. Your needs for mental wellbeing are being partly met through your therapy but the home social environment is not working well and is in need of adjustment.

Maybe it is time to work with your therapist to develop a plan to get your parents in on a "relationship counselling" session where you can tell each other how you feel in a moderated environment (the therapist acting as moderator). If you can take the anger and frustration out of it and explain how you feel it may help form the plan of a way forward.

I expect this will take the form of a set of rules that both sides need to stick with - for example:

- You have to contribute to the household in the way of chores. Your parents contribute by finances etc so you need to be a responsible part of the pack and contribute what you are able to - in the form of clearly defined tasks (eg washing up after meals, taking the rubbish out, hoovering the house every Friday or whatever.

- nagging is forbidden so long as you do your chores completely and when agreed.

- You and your parents are barred from swearing or name calling. Penalties for this can be agreed.

- time for you to do your things (eg playing games, going out with friends etc) should be agreed and protected. You need your space to relax and recharge.

- time for your parents likewise should be agreed. It is only fair that they get some quiet time without you playing music or listening to the TV loudly.

- if there is a scheduled TV show you particularly want to watch then you book it in advance - likewise your parents.

You get the idea. It should be a way to give you some boundaries to protect you, some to make you function as a part of the family and some to prevent conflict.

Just a thought. If it is any help I had a similar situation when I was 16 but managed to get into University at 17 in another city so escaped. Looking back on it, they were right about missing it/them once it was gone. That on its on really bugged me for a while too LoL.

I am not a teenager. I am 23 years old. I suffer from physical burnout so doing simple tasks as you listed are very exhausting to me. And no, I am not exaggerating. I also do not have an official therapist.

and my parents absolutely forbid going to see a therapist for themselves because they see nothing wrong with themselves. I have already moved out two years ago. I never blast any of my gadgets to wake up my parents, I always used headphones, yet they made excuses about never using headphones and blasting their gadgets whenever they wanted to and I had no right to let me sleep because they are the parents.

I live in an impoverished society so it makes it much harder for me to cope about in the real world, and I don’t have a driver’s license because my state say I cannot drive by myself without accompaniment from an adult. I don’t have any friends. I’m very introverted in real life and I struggle to have decent conversations without making the sound like I’m either complaining or the center of attention.

All my life I’ve been expected to do chores for my parents, every week when I was still living with them (and I did), and yet they will still talk down to me like I’m a kid. They will still exaggerate how much they do ‘everything’ for me and yet whatever I do is not good enough.

I apologize if I sound like I’m being pessimistic but the point I’m trying to make is that I’ve tried to please my parents and do my part as much as I can, I’ve been expected to obey my parents and yet if I confront them on something that is deemed hypocritical or disrespectful to me, they will frame me as giving them the tone or talking back.

Look, I’m not discrediting you or anything, but the truth is I’ve done all I could. We went to many terms of agreements yet they always fall flat, no matter how much I do my part, they will still refrain to put their own actions on a higher pedestal. We’ve done it for years and yet nothing has progressed. The only thing that has actually helped me was moving out and spending more time by myself. My relationship with my parents certainly didn’t change but it gave me some more freedom where I can truly vent out my feelings and problems without worrying about being judged.

I am not a teenager. I am 23 years old.

I was only referring to the situation you are in - this is one a lot of 16-18 year neurotypicals go through. It wasn't an attack, only a confirmation that your situation with parental conflict is not uncommon.

I never blast any of my gadgets to wake up my parents

Most headphones leak noise so it is possible that while you think it is silent, your parents are hearing the residual tinny sound that comes with loud headphones - it drives me nuts when sat beside someone on public transport doing this and I often have to ask them to turn it down.

I suffer from physical burnout so doing simple tasks as you listed are very exhausting to me.

If this is the case then you have an uncomfortable reality to face - without any way to sustain yourself or even do basic housework then it looks like you cannot get a job or get you own place.

What I would do is revisit your assumption that you cannot do these things - speak to your therapist and see if you can find a way to try these in a different way that is not as stress inducing for you.

Without this, you are likely to be stuck at home for a very long time so I really recommend digging deep and trying what you can, even when it seems impossibe as you may well find a way to approach the tasks in the end that allows you more hope for the future.

We went to many terms of agreements yet they always fall flat, no matter how much I do my part

Why do you think they failed - be brutally honest as this will give the core of the issue you need to focus on.

With all that in mind, it is pretty important to make peace with your parents as you look likely to be with them for a long time. My recommendation would be to see if you can get them to engage in "conflict resolution" with your therapist and yourself as you want things to be better between you.

If you show you are working on being able to do your chores and have your therapist advocate for you in the session then this may carry more weight to convince your parents of the challenges you face.

These are only my opinions - not a judgement on you and I tend to be a blit blunt with the truth as I believe othe autists appreciate the direct talk. I hope this hasn't been too uncomfortable.

It is only for me to vent and have someone to understand where I’m coming from. I can understand why you’re confused about this.

these sorts of advice as very unsolicited and unnecessary, as it finishes the emotions of others.

I'm not offering any advice, but can you clarify what it is you ARE looking for please.

If it is just to vent then that is valid. I thought you were looking for ways to tackle what is a very difficult situation, but looking back that was me reading between the lines. Sorry if that was the case.

I see the sort of “I will not comfort you so I will tell you how I think you should deal with these things” as very authoritarian. I dislike the authoritarian behavior. It places the vulnerable like me on a very low pedestal. I also do not like to deal with my problems and whenever I talk about them, note that I am discussing it with desperate need of validation, not to get over myself.

I cannot ignore my problems and deal with them at all like nt’s do. That is not how I function. And I will not deal with it, because it replaces me in a responsible position that I am 100% to fail at, and it will not work for me. Because for years I have tried, and all my attempts to deal with these situations have failed. I’m used to constant failure and wound up believing that there is no point in changing that. I’ve felt responsible for every single thing that has happened to me like everything is my fault. I’ve even felt it was my fault my older brother died at birth.

the last thing I would need is someone who refuses to comfort me and say “your feelings are valid, I’m there for you”. But I thank you for trying to understand. I personally these sorts of advice as very unsolicited and unnecessary, as it finishes the emotions of others.

I tried to offer an understanding of why things are the way they are based on the information you gave and tried to offer some tactics as a way forward.

There is no judgement in the advice, just practical advice on how I think you can move forward, or if you cannot move forward how you can make peace. There may be some assumptions made and if they are wrong then I'm sorry.

There appears to be significant resistance and I understand you don't like my assessment.

I apologise for not picking up on the fact you had already moved out - the fact you said your parents were complaining about the noise made me think this was current (ie you were living with them).

There was never any attempt by me to acknowledge your suffering - only to explain it. I'm not really the type to comfort and tell you it will be OK. I'm the "if you want to deal with this then I think these steps will work for you" sort.

It sucks to suffer like this - I've been there myself to a different degree and suffered in different ways but I always found my techniques worked for me which is why I share them.

We are all different so there is no gauarantee that one fix works for everyone of course.

I'll stop offering advice now and leave it to any others - please try to understand we do this from a place of compassion, not judgement or criticism. If the advice does not suit you then please be nice to them.

I wish you good luck in dealing with your situation.

I do not agree. The warning is necessary, and the reply is not constructive or helpful. It is dismissive and inconsiderate. It encourages masking one’s emotions and obeying to abusive behavior. How is submitting to abuse helpful? Like at all?

I need to remind you that I am NOT 16-18 neurotypical, because I don’t face the same problems as they do. They have it easier than I do. So I ask of you not to link me in the same patch as a neurotypical. It doesn’t work that way.

Let me ask you this, my parents are not autistic. They don’t have hearing sensitivity like I do. I do not BLAST the headphones leaking out, they exaggerate the noise coming out, and if they don’t like it, they can go to the other room. What I listen to is none of their business. Do you still think it’s right to judge a child with headphones and let a parent who hates headphones blast their phones without any consideration by with it? I cannot go by your experiences because I am a female, my brain works much differently from a male.

And by the logic of your next response, I suppose you may think the same way for a person who suffers from physical paralysis. What if a person with physical paralysis have these same struggles and perhaps even worse and you just dismiss them with “you’re not capable of functioning or getting a real job”? I believe you do not understand the pains regarding burnout and depression. I mean, listen to yourself: “without any way to sustain yourself or even do basic housework then it looks like you cannot get a job or get you own place”. This translates to “you are not suffering you lazy autistic, if you don’t do what the nt world tells you to do, you’re f****d! No excuses, if you cannot do the simplest things in life, then you are not capable of anything, you are a useless human being!”.

“What I would do is revisit your assumption that you cannot do these things - speak to your therapist and see if you can find a way to try these in a different way that is not as stress inducing for you”, did you not pay attention to my previous reply? I DO NOT have a therapist. I cannot afford one. And you concluding my experiences are just an ASSUMPTION to you and expectations to deny my personal reality of my pains makes your statement sound very narrow-minded. Telling me to simply work harder and dig deeper is not an option for me, it is not how my body works. Exhaustion is not a choice. I don’t choose to rest, my body is telling me not to overwork myself. Forcing myself to work harder to please myself is a denial of my mental health. It screams out the assumption that you believe people with autism and depression are just lazy and are unable to accept the reality of the nt world. It also tells me that I should not trust my instincts or listen to my pain. Your advice tells me what I’m experiencing is not real, I’m being delusional, I’m just complaining, I’m just making excuses, i should just simply MASK my problems and act like nothing bad is happening to me. You’re encouraging toxic positivity. These beliefs are all dismissals and examples of gaslighting to make me deny my own reality and accept one that is completely made-up or discriminatory. I repeat, it is GASLIGHTING.

My parents fail because they don’t listen to my problems. They are full of themselves. And telling me to be “brutally honest” is unhelpful and once again denying my reality. Brutal honesty is actually not about being honest, it’s about damaging yourself and diminishing your feelings of stress, it’s to guilt you into believing that you’re not good enough. Also did you not pay attention to my last reply again? I told you I have MOVED OUT. I do not live with them anymore.

And you’re also denying the reality of dysfunctional relationships. You simply cannot make peace with a narcissist, it is not an option. They love the drama they put onto me so they can have an excuse to abuse me and act like I’m the one who’s the problem and pretend to get frustrated at me so they can prove to the world that I’m a monster and they’re not. I repeat, you cannot reason or make peace with a person who wants you constantly under their thumb. You cannot make peace with someone who hates you. That’s not how it works. I have bottled up my emotions for a long time and it has damaged me permanently, and you telling me to bottle them again is just going to kill me eventually.

and finally, you are once again denying my personal struggles with depression. You expect me to do everything they say and think masking my problems and obeying them without a single utter will convince them? Ugh, no! I’ve done it my whole life. I suppose you’re gonna keep on questioning me what I’ve done for them next thing? If you want to be more brutally honest, you might as well tell me to kill myself because your advice and me following through it all my life is physically and mentally KILLING me.

You want to be direct about me, fine. But since you’re so brutally honest, let me be brutally honest to you, and I guarantee you might not like it: your response is very frustrating to me as it invalidates my experiences. It is not a debate, it is a dismissal, it screams out “I don’t care about your feelings, think about the poor nt’s you’ve hurt!”.

and yes, your advice is uncomfortable for me and very unhelpful as it fails to acknowledge the pain I’m in, and makes the situation worse for me. That sort of advice tells me what I’ve experienced is my fault, no one else’s. It tells me it’s my fault I’m such a difficult person, my fault that I was born autistic. It throws nothing but blame and shame and hate. You expect people to follow through to your advice when you have no clue how it actually makes them feel. You’re autistic aren’t you? Then stop trying to defend the neurotypical POV so much and invalidating your own community. Advice when a person is suffering and needs empathy is damaging and makes the situation worse.

Telling someone to just ignore their feelings and question their own reality and simply get off their lazy ass and do something about it so no one will have to hear them complain anymore is derogatory and abusive behavior. Not everyone needs your direct message or advice, some people like me thrive on being told that they’re not alone and their feelings are valid. We don’t ask to be guilted and believed it’s entirely our fault, we don’t ask to be dismissed, we ask to be loved and respected. We are not neurotypical, so do not link us in the same patch as them. We will never be like them so I ask you to respect our boundaries and not treat us like them.

Its no harm to remind us. We all mean well. 

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Gentle reminder of rule 5

"Be nice to one another and enjoy chatting with others. We encourage conversation and respectful debate; please be aware that individuals may give opinions which are not shared by other members. Insulting posts or comments making personal jibes will not be tolerated.  "

Thanks

Gentle reminder of rule 5

"Be nice to one another and enjoy chatting with others. We encourage conversation and respectful debate; please be aware that individuals may give opinions which are not shared by other members. Insulting posts or comments making personal jibes will not be tolerated.  "

Thanks

I do not agree. The warning is necessary, and the reply is not constructive or helpful. It is dismissive and inconsiderate. It encourages masking one’s emotions and obeying to abusive behavior. How is submitting to abuse helpful? Like at all?

Its no harm to remind us. We all mean well. 

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