Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve been raised by narcissistic parents who treat me like absolute crap, they push me around and threaten to take me to the mental hospital. They scream at me and belittle me yet they will love bomb me and expect me to be grateful for what they’ve done for me.
My mom was nagging at me as usual, and I’m getting tired of her, I told her over and over again that she doesn’t need to repeat it a hundred times. She yelled at me “now don’t you start that tone with me girl!”. I yelled at her that she never shuts up and will exaggerate everything that involves me. Her response is “I’m just concerned about you cause you were going to burn yourself”. I told her that she shouldn’t be treating me like a three year old which she keeps denying.
I slammed the door outside in anger, while she screams at me “you better not start that slamming and rampaging with me again girl!”. I screamed back at her “shut the f*** up you b****!”. Normally I don’t swear at her or call her derogatory names but she has pushed me over the years treating me like pure crap calling me a monster and never acting like a normal human being, and yet she wonders why I act the way she labels me.
I marched outside back to my home, and dad demanded me that I better march back inside and apologize to her. I refused and justified it with “she never apologized for me and meant it, so why should I do the same for her?!”. Dad threatened me that he and mom will take me to therapy if I don’t clean up my act. He yelled at me some more “your mother and I expect you to treat your parents with more respect! We do absolutely everything for you, look at the food on your plate, look at what she cooked for you! And this is how you treat your mother?!”
I told him “you and mom are not entitled to the respect from me if you fail to give respect to your own children! Just because I was born to you doesn’t offer you any favors that I should be overwhelmingly worshipping you!”. He yelled at me that he and mom are disowning me, which I find hilarious because a couple of days later they go back to live bombing me.
I’ve had enough of them. And I’m sure they’ll blame me for everything else anyway and deny any of this was their fault. I dunno man.
This sounds like a fairly common teenager / parent dynamic to me
I think both sides tend to exagerate the inteactions and over-react because of the frustrations of the other side not sharing their understanding / point of view etc
This is not to lessen the frustration you feel - I just wanted to point out that it is more common than you may think and is a based in the natural "time to fly the nest" instinct that drives most offspring to move on from the family to become independent.
In your case you cannot complete this due to your dependencies and it is magnifying the frustration further.
So, looking at it from a clinical point of view - you are having your basic needs of shelter and food taken care of. Your needs for mental wellbeing are being partly met through your therapy but the home social environment is not working well and is in need of adjustment.
Maybe it is time to work with your therapist to develop a plan to get your parents in on a "relationship counselling" session where you can tell each other how you feel in a moderated environment (the therapist acting as moderator). If you can take the anger and frustration out of it and explain how you feel it may help form the plan of a way forward.
I expect this will take the form of a set of rules that both sides need to stick with - for example:
- You have to contribute to the household in the way of chores. Your parents contribute by finances etc so you need to be a responsible part of the pack and contribute what you are able to - in the form of clearly defined tasks (eg washing up after meals, taking the rubbish out, hoovering the house every Friday or whatever.
- nagging is forbidden so long as you do your chores completely and when agreed.
- You and your parents are barred from swearing or name calling. Penalties for this can be agreed.
- time for you to do your things (eg playing games, going out with friends etc) should be agreed and protected. You need your space to relax and recharge.
- time for your parents likewise should be agreed. It is only fair that they get some quiet time without you playing music or listening to the TV loudly.
- if there is a scheduled TV show you particularly want to watch then you book it in advance - likewise your parents.
You get the idea. It should be a way to give you some boundaries to protect you, some to make you function as a part of the family and some to prevent conflict.
Just a thought. If it is any help I had a similar situation when I was 16 but managed to get into University at 17 in another city so escaped. Looking back on it, they were right about missing it/them once it was gone. That on its on really bugged me for a while too LoL.
I am not a teenager. I am 23 years old. I suffer from physical burnout so doing simple tasks as you listed are very exhausting to me. And no, I am not exaggerating. I also do not have an official therapist.
and my parents absolutely forbid going to see a therapist for themselves because they see nothing wrong with themselves. I have already moved out two years ago. I never blast any of my gadgets to wake up my parents, I always used headphones, yet they made excuses about never using headphones and blasting their gadgets whenever they wanted to and I had no right to let me sleep because they are the parents.
I live in an impoverished society so it makes it much harder for me to cope about in the real world, and I don’t have a driver’s license because my state say I cannot drive by myself without accompaniment from an adult. I don’t have any friends. I’m very introverted in real life and I struggle to have decent conversations without making the sound like I’m either complaining or the center of attention.
All my life I’ve been expected to do chores for my parents, every week when I was still living with them (and I did), and yet they will still talk down to me like I’m a kid. They will still exaggerate how much they do ‘everything’ for me and yet whatever I do is not good enough.
I apologize if I sound like I’m being pessimistic but the point I’m trying to make is that I’ve tried to please my parents and do my part as much as I can, I’ve been expected to obey my parents and yet if I confront them on something that is deemed hypocritical or disrespectful to me, they will frame me as giving them the tone or talking back.
Look, I’m not discrediting you or anything, but the truth is I’ve done all I could. We went to many terms of agreements yet they always fall flat, no matter how much I do my part, they will still refrain to put their own actions on a higher pedestal. We’ve done it for years and yet nothing has progressed. The only thing that has actually helped me was moving out and spending more time by myself. My relationship with my parents certainly didn’t change but it gave me some more freedom where I can truly vent out my feelings and problems without worrying about being judged.
I am not a teenager. I am 23 years old.
I was only referring to the situation you are in - this is one a lot of 16-18 year neurotypicals go through. It wasn't an attack, only a confirmation that your situation with parental conflict is not uncommon.
I never blast any of my gadgets to wake up my parents
Most headphones leak noise so it is possible that while you think it is silent, your parents are hearing the residual tinny sound that comes with loud headphones - it drives me nuts when sat beside someone on public transport doing this and I often have to ask them to turn it down.
I suffer from physical burnout so doing simple tasks as you listed are very exhausting to me.
If this is the case then you have an uncomfortable reality to face - without any way to sustain yourself or even do basic housework then it looks like you cannot get a job or get you own place.
What I would do is revisit your assumption that you cannot do these things - speak to your therapist and see if you can find a way to try these in a different way that is not as stress inducing for you.
Without this, you are likely to be stuck at home for a very long time so I really recommend digging deep and trying what you can, even when it seems impossibe as you may well find a way to approach the tasks in the end that allows you more hope for the future.
We went to many terms of agreements yet they always fall flat, no matter how much I do my part
Why do you think they failed - be brutally honest as this will give the core of the issue you need to focus on.
With all that in mind, it is pretty important to make peace with your parents as you look likely to be with them for a long time. My recommendation would be to see if you can get them to engage in "conflict resolution" with your therapist and yourself as you want things to be better between you.
If you show you are working on being able to do your chores and have your therapist advocate for you in the session then this may carry more weight to convince your parents of the challenges you face.
These are only my opinions - not a judgement on you and I tend to be a blit blunt with the truth as I believe othe autists appreciate the direct talk. I hope this hasn't been too uncomfortable.
It is only for me to vent and have someone to understand where I’m coming from. I can understand why you’re confused about this.
these sorts of advice as very unsolicited and unnecessary, as it finishes the emotions of others.
I'm not offering any advice, but can you clarify what it is you ARE looking for please.
If it is just to vent then that is valid. I thought you were looking for ways to tackle what is a very difficult situation, but looking back that was me reading between the lines. Sorry if that was the case.