Autism or trauma.

I know that I have both :/

I also have both. Have worked through a lot after a bereavement in 2017 set me into a breakdown that nearly led to me taking my own life. Closest I've ever come on two occasions.

Bullying was an issue, before that I was traumatized in front of other children because of a teacher. I was also physically assaulted by a teacher who slammed me against some lockers by my neck with another child at age 10, he was sacked for it. I was physically hurt on a couple of occasions by other students, bloody noses and the like, which I have always struggled to accept.

Friendships I've made through life I've let go because I'm unsure of people's intentions, so is a protection mechanism that ultimately only serves to increase my isolation.

These days I'm doing better after working through a lot of it. Since diagnosis 3 years ago, I now let my interests lead me much more - I've stopped fighting against who I am (masking) and been able to start accepting myself. I'm lucky that my partner has stuck with me on this and is supportive of my neurodiversity. Turns out her best mate is also autistic, so it seems she is a NT with a good character that integrates well with ND. I'm so lucky I realise.

My own family, is a different story, are very distant and barely seem to bother with me anymore. I think both my parents are ND. One with autism the other with ADHD. Neither know it. I've only told them about the ADHD part of my diagnosis as I don't want to trigger issues in them (they are 70 + 75 now) so I figured what's the point?

My brother emigrated to Australia (I'm in UK) and clearly seems happier being away on his own - definitely some ND there, but he won't entertain the idea. He instead lives in a world of self-help guides and seems ok with that. He is able to socialise better than me so isn't too big an issue.

My biggest issue atm is developibg my career (social settings pose a big problem for me), IBD and migraines. Light sensitivity triggers the worst eye pain and puts my in bed for hours at a time

I can sympathise, sounds familiar. I wear sunglasses most of the time during the summer even in the winter i keep the lighting dim inside, i can't stand loud noise or harsh artificial lighting and wear earplugs if i have to go anywhere in public such as a supermarket. I was also very close a few years ago, then covid came and that made things worse especially with the pressure and abuse i received for refusing the vaccine, that in itself nearly pushed me over the edge, i lost a friend to suicide, she jumped off a bridge Sept 2021. 

Still to this day, i cannot come to terms with the treatment i received from the end year primary school teacher that kept me in every Friday for weeks with the girls who would do sewing ( the boys played football) because i had fallen behind. She had been teaching us long division but i needed to understand why, and needed to understand exactly how it worked, and why i had to learn this particular way - but couldn't because she would get angry and berate people ( especially boys for some reason) i always had many questions, it used to drive my father nuts and he would tell me to be quiet ( he is also ND but undiagnosed )

I was made to stand under the blackboard when i accidently knocked over some beads in a tuperware box by the same teacher, but the girl that knocked it over before me was not punished.

Then, in the Sept of '85 i started secondary school which to me seemed to amplify all the anxieties i had and it really ramped up, and i remember having my first ' panic attack ' ,the sports teacher slapped me across the face about 5 times in front of the whole rugby team during training because i was copying the head teacher who was clapping us with encouragement. I also had the cane for fighting with another boy who called my mother a whore. and my school reports would always say i was inattentive and would be sent out to stand in the corridor my brain seemed to be racing and i couldn't slow it down, i would draw on my books and could not sit still i hated school so much, absolutely hated it and one day i stopped going, i had visits from traunt officers etc but i refused to go back, - and they couldn't make me go back.

We were supposed to suck it up back then and just accept it, be a 'man' not a crybaby i was also sensitive though so these experiences just made things worse.

I think that is partly because all the therapy i did over the years previously was mostly in a format that would be suitable for NT people and was not adapted, so it barely scratched the surface. I had some trauma therapy around 1998 for a specific trauma and the symptoms did improve, however i have had many more since then. I think the most effective therapy i have tried so far is EMDR. And i am also eager to try equine therapy.

I was diagnosed ADHD / ASC and i am learning that ADHD can mask Autism, i've also learnt like you there is a genetic link,my father is without doubt what they used to call Asperger's - he doesn't make eye contact, likes routines, hates small talk, likes to be alone, gets upset if things don't happen 'on time' and is very literal and can sound rude, short, and will walk between people who are talking in the street. A few months ago i was speaking to him on the phone and said 'i need to talk to you for 2 minutes' about two minutes later, he suddenly said ' you've had your 2 minutes now, i need to go i am busy'

I am glad you are working through the traumas, it's taken years and years for me personally.

I can sympathise, sounds familiar. I wear sunglasses most of the time during the summer even in the winter i keep the lighting dim inside, i can't stand loud noise or harsh artificial lighting and wear earplugs if i have to go anywhere in public such as a supermarket. I was also very close a few years ago, then covid came and that made things worse especially with the pressure and abuse i received for refusing the vaccine, that in itself nearly pushed me over the edge, i lost a friend to suicide, she jumped off a bridge Sept 2021. 

Still to this day, i cannot come to terms with the treatment i received from the end year primary school teacher that kept me in every Friday for weeks with the girls who would do sewing ( the boys played football) because i had fallen behind. She had been teaching us long division but i needed to understand why, and needed to understand exactly how it worked, and why i had to learn this particular way - but couldn't because she would get angry and berate people ( especially boys for some reason) i always had many questions, it used to drive my father nuts and he would tell me to be quiet ( he is also ND but undiagnosed )

I was made to stand under the blackboard when i accidently knocked over some beads in a tuperware box by the same teacher, but the girl that knocked it over before me was not punished.

Then, in the Sept of '85 i started secondary school which to me seemed to amplify all the anxieties i had and it really ramped up, and i remember having my first ' panic attack ' ,the sports teacher slapped me across the face about 5 times in front of the whole rugby team during training because i was copying the head teacher who was clapping us with encouragement. I also had the cane for fighting with another boy who called my mother a whore. and my school reports would always say i was inattentive and would be sent out to stand in the corridor my brain seemed to be racing and i couldn't slow it down, i would draw on my books and could not sit still i hated school so much, absolutely hated it and one day i stopped going, i had visits from traunt officers etc but i refused to go back, - and they couldn't make me go back.

We were supposed to suck it up back then and just accept it, be a 'man' not a crybaby i was also sensitive though so these experiences just made things worse.

I think that is partly because all the therapy i did over the years previously was mostly in a format that would be suitable for NT people and was not adapted, so it barely scratched the surface. I had some trauma therapy around 1998 for a specific trauma and the symptoms did improve, however i have had many more since then. I think the most effective therapy i have tried so far is EMDR. And i am also eager to try equine therapy.

I was diagnosed ADHD / ASC and i am learning that ADHD can mask Autism, i've also learnt like you there is a genetic link,my father is without doubt what they used to call Asperger's - he doesn't make eye contact, likes routines, hates small talk, likes to be alone, gets upset if things don't happen 'on time' and is very literal and can sound rude, short, and will walk between people who are talking in the street. A few months ago i was speaking to him on the phone and said 'i need to talk to you for 2 minutes' about two minutes later, he suddenly said ' you've had your 2 minutes now, i need to go i am busy'

I am glad you are working through the traumas, it's taken years and years for me personally.