Autism or trauma.

I was just thinking about something else you mentioned that being female meant you were socialised into being socially motivated. This is very interesting because females according to a book i read on emotional intelligence naturally bond emotionally quicker than males. So a female with Autism probably looks slightly different to a male with Autism due to inherent emotional bonding traits.

I can sympathise, sounds familiar. I wear sunglasses most of the time during the summer even in the winter i keep the lighting dim inside, i can't stand loud noise or harsh artificial lighting and wear earplugs if i have to go anywhere in public such as a supermarket. I was also very close a few years ago, then covid came and that made things worse especially with the pressure and abuse i received for refusing the vaccine, that in itself nearly pushed me over the edge, i lost a friend to suicide, she jumped off a bridge Sept 2021. 

Still to this day, i cannot come to terms with the treatment i received from the end year primary school teacher that kept me in every Friday for weeks with the girls who would do sewing ( the boys played football) because i had fallen behind. She had been teaching us long division but i needed to understand why, and needed to understand exactly how it worked, and why i had to learn this particular way - but couldn't because she would get angry and berate people ( especially boys for some reason) i always had many questions, it used to drive my father nuts and he would tell me to be quiet ( he is also ND but undiagnosed )

I was made to stand under the blackboard when i accidently knocked over some beads in a tuperware box by the same teacher, but the girl that knocked it over before me was not punished.

Then, in the Sept of '85 i started secondary school which to me seemed to amplify all the anxieties i had and it really ramped up, and i remember having my first ' panic attack ' ,the sports teacher slapped me across the face about 5 times in front of the whole rugby team during training because i was copying the head teacher who was clapping us with encouragement. I also had the cane for fighting with another boy who called my mother a whore. and my school reports would always say i was inattentive and would be sent out to stand in the corridor my brain seemed to be racing and i couldn't slow it down, i would draw on my books and could not sit still i hated school so much, absolutely hated it and one day i stopped going, i had visits from traunt officers etc but i refused to go back, - and they couldn't make me go back.

We were supposed to suck it up back then and just accept it, be a 'man' not a crybaby i was also sensitive though so these experiences just made things worse.

I think that is partly because all the therapy i did over the years previously was mostly in a format that would be suitable for NT people and was not adapted, so it barely scratched the surface. I had some trauma therapy around 1998 for a specific trauma and the symptoms did improve, however i have had many more since then. I think the most effective therapy i have tried so far is EMDR. And i am also eager to try equine therapy.

I was diagnosed ADHD / ASC and i am learning that ADHD can mask Autism, i've also learnt like you there is a genetic link,my father is without doubt what they used to call Asperger's - he doesn't make eye contact, likes routines, hates small talk, likes to be alone, gets upset if things don't happen 'on time' and is very literal and can sound rude, short, and will walk between people who are talking in the street. A few months ago i was speaking to him on the phone and said 'i need to talk to you for 2 minutes' about two minutes later, he suddenly said ' you've had your 2 minutes now, i need to go i am busy'

I am glad you are working through the traumas, it's taken years and years for me personally.

I also have both. Have worked through a lot after a bereavement in 2017 set me into a breakdown that nearly led to me taking my own life. Closest I've ever come on two occasions.

Bullying was an issue, before that I was traumatized in front of other children because of a teacher. I was also physically assaulted by a teacher who slammed me against some lockers by my neck with another child at age 10, he was sacked for it. I was physically hurt on a couple of occasions by other students, bloody noses and the like, which I have always struggled to accept.

Friendships I've made through life I've let go because I'm unsure of people's intentions, so is a protection mechanism that ultimately only serves to increase my isolation.

These days I'm doing better after working through a lot of it. Since diagnosis 3 years ago, I now let my interests lead me much more - I've stopped fighting against who I am (masking) and been able to start accepting myself. I'm lucky that my partner has stuck with me on this and is supportive of my neurodiversity. Turns out her best mate is also autistic, so it seems she is a NT with a good character that integrates well with ND. I'm so lucky I realise.

My own family, is a different story, are very distant and barely seem to bother with me anymore. I think both my parents are ND. One with autism the other with ADHD. Neither know it. I've only told them about the ADHD part of my diagnosis as I don't want to trigger issues in them (they are 70 + 75 now) so I figured what's the point?

My brother emigrated to Australia (I'm in UK) and clearly seems happier being away on his own - definitely some ND there, but he won't entertain the idea. He instead lives in a world of self-help guides and seems ok with that. He is able to socialise better than me so isn't too big an issue.

My biggest issue atm is developibg my career (social settings pose a big problem for me), IBD and migraines. Light sensitivity triggers the worst eye pain and puts my in bed for hours at a time

You have a good sense of humour which is important

I know that I have both :/

I did my assessment via the NHS video link. I found that much easier than having to travel to a busy city which i find overwhelming. I am so weary in this life that when the assessment came around ( i was waiting over 2 years because of Covid etc) that i didn't think anything about it, i just wanted to rule it in or out. I had scored 6/10 in a screening for ASC but i was still unsure because i was certain my main issue was PTSD which i had been diagnosed with in 1998 but for some reason my GP surgery no longer thought that was the case, then in March 2022 they gave me the C-PTSD diagnosis. So i've been upgraded from PTSD to even more severe C-PTSD. I just need a few more labels then i can compete in the world mental health bingo competition.

I only became acutely aware than my father was Autistic ( undiagnosed) after my own diagnosis , because then i studied as much as i could on the subject and it all became painfully clear that my father was also on the spectrum, and no one even noticed.

In fairness he is from a very different time when Autism wasn't even discussed, like depression - in public at least.

I can sympathise, because he's always been around but we never built a relationship either. This is why i don't always believe having a mother and father is any better than coming from a single parent family.

My father was ' absent ' and when he was ' present ' i was punished for having ' tantrums ' or ruining a family day out or he just ignored everyone and would hide behind a newspaper with the TV on, the paper was like a shield around his face , a subconcious message if you like that said ' don't bother me' ' leave me alone '

I used to think he didn't make much eye contact because he did not like me, but now i see that i am quite similar. Which is depressing because he is the last person i wanted to be.

I hope you can find some kind of peace within yourself.

Indeed , that is probably why i have ended up with a C-ptsd diagnosis and anxiety disorder, even from a very early age i felt i needed to be alone, adolescence was even worse because i was trying to form relationships but didn't understand what people wanted from me or how to maintain them, then in my 20s this is when i really started to suffer with anxiety and depression. Horrendous. I don't know how i am still here to be honest. I think i have spent most of my life in a bedroom.

Yes social abuse/bullying was a massive stressor growing up and it came up in the assessments.

I can relate to the what I feel my outcome could be a 'Maybe'

I told my assessor this week that I feel my father is ASD by my own observation of behaviours and the difficulties we have had building a relationship. To add further complication, I only met him when I was 35.

I am glad you have started this thread as I have been through a traumatic childhood and adult hood (childbirth and other traumas) and I am currently awaiting a diagnosis. One of the biggest problems is the overlap for what is traumatic response behaviours and what is a neurodevelopmental issue from birth (ASD). My biological mother ended up in the mental health system and my biological father has traits of ASD and he was never diagnosed, also his religion is Muslim and I dont expect any differences were raised and assessed back in the 1960s! He also told me he struggles maintaining relationships and has no awareness of the impact of his behaviour on others.

My half brother who passed away in 2020 was definatley autistic (different biological fathers) so I feel my mum was ASD undiagnosed and we both had her genetic disposition, I was just able to mask more than my older brother.

I am so anxious about the outcome appointment as it was very difficult to expresss how difficult I find social interaction and the intensivity of sensory overwhelm. I can also see how my pendng diagnosis of EUPD plays a part. It is possible to be dual diagmosis so both currently not assessed formely. I tried to remember my childhood but that was very difficult due to amnesia (loss of childhood memories of self) from thinking back over the years. I am 46 now....

For us I think it’s compounded.

I’ve always felt detached from what’s going on around me, as far back as I can recall. So, there’s a natural endogenous component. However, we also encounter social abuse, can develop OCD anxiety reactions, and so there’s an environmental worsening on top. And, the shell shock effect and protective detachment gets reinforced, over and over again.

It is frustrating because i have the same kind of issue, so i sympathise. But as Queer Autistic Grunge says there aren't many Autistic people that don't have some kind of trauma. However, what i can say is after years of trying different types of therapy, meditation groups etc. EMDR therapy definitely works, the good thing about this type of therapy is that you do not need to go into details about the traumatic event. Also i am thinking about Equine therapy which is available through CASA. I take extra magensium too which helps with the Anxiety although sadly i have been stuck on SSRIs for over 25 years and i can no longer remember what it was like before.

Yes i agree. I have memories going back to 2 years of age. I thought it was just me but apparently Autistic people do have very clear memories going back this far. I was once separated from my parents and my brother at age 6 or 7 on holiday in Devon. I don't know what happened, my older brother was supposed to keep an eye on me but i lost sight of him and still remember the terror and fear to this day. I ran through the street howling in terror thinking they had left me. A young lad around the age of 8 or 9 suddenly appeared and spoke with a calming gentle voice which seemed to help, adults kept walking by but strangely this lad who was barely older than me appeared as if from nowehere and kept telling me it would be ok, and that my parents would ' be here soon' not long after over the brow of the hill i suddenly saw my parents running franticly towards me and the lad, it was the most terrifying experience i can remember at this age.

I like this message, thank you. I didn't have much to go on before i was diagnosed, and like other people i have heard of were not diagnosed until their 40s - which is my case. What i have also learnt now is that my father is obviously Autistic ( Asperger's) but without ADHD and that would be a genetic link to myself, and everything suddenly became clear as to why our relationship has been so poor over the decades. He is literal, doesn't like small talk, poor eye contact, has the stereotypical profile ( Forensic Scientist /studied Chemistry and Physics) he will also walk through people and not around them if they are chatting in public which embarasses my mother, and can be very blunt and appears rude at times. He cannot express emotions and gets upset if his routine or plans are disrupted in any way. That in some way alongside my mother's childhood assessment evidence assured me the diagnosis might be correct. I was told i used to have massive ' tantrums ' that would happen out of the blue and for no apparent reason and it would ruin a family day out but i am told they are not tantrums but ' meltdowns '. I can't remember this except on one of two occassions where my mother tried to put me in a playschool and i screamed the place down ( it was too noisy and confusing) and she had to remove me, and when they moved to another area when i was 5 and would refuse to go through the new school gates and did the same thing. However in saying all that, i have significant trauma which my father does not, although he worked on crime scenes in his career, it was so difficult to know because we never had much of a relationship because he was so cut off emotionally and absorbed in his world like myself. I was a bedroom 'dweller' that would get drained from being around others for too long and would need to be alone for days at a time.

the problem is because of my trauma my memories of my childhood is patchy. My sibling is working on doing a form to give them more information which would be a help.

I think one of the reasons some clinicians have difficulty separating autism from trauma is because there are very few autistic people who have not also been traumatised to one degree or another. Autistic people growing up are more likely to have adverse childhood experiences than neurotypicals and are more likely to be vulnerable and taken advantage of in their teens and early adulthood. So unless you remember every adverse/traumatic experience to separate when certain behaviours or thought patterns started it can be difficult to unpick the two types and figure out what is autistic related trauma vs non autism associated trauma.

Maybe raise with them that these things have been an issue for you even before the trauma, and tell them how similar you are to your untraumatised autistic child? Also, there are so few autistic people without trauma, and it's perfectly possible to have BOTH. It's good that they're thinking about it thoroughly but it would be a shame to be denied a diagnosis which you feel fits well on the basis of them assuming it's all trauma - especially considering the strong genetic factors with autism. All the best with it, anyway, whatever the outcome. 

I was literally told at my autism assessment on Tuesday that they cannot tell if I am autistic or if it's all my childhood trauma. I'm hoping to get my sibling to fill out a form within the next week so I can get it in and get a clear diagnosis but it seems that I'm more likely to just get "maybe"

It's frustrating but they're doing the right thing but as a friend said for all intents and purposes I am autistic and me and my definitely diagnosed autistic and definitely not traumatised Kiddo are so alike it's kind of hard to believe that they are and yet I am not?

idk I feel I know where the line between my trauma and autism is but I dont' think I can articulate that.