Published on 12, July, 2020
People talk about having "gut" instincts or feelings, about people, situations, choices.
I rarely get these but instead consciously work through all the different aspects to reach a conclusion. This affects me when choosing food to eat or off a menu, to the extent that I avoid making a decision and go without (unless social niceties necessitate otherwise - stress point).
I am very wary of new people and need 5 or 6 longish meetings before I can form an opinion. Studies say that for instance in a job interview the interviewer makes a decision within a minute or so.
I will mull over purchases of clothes, shoes, house decorations for a long time, deciding if I need them, can I justify spending the money, is there something more suitable, is it the best colour, texture etc.
More expensive or more technical things, I spend months researching and struggling to decide as I worry that I haven't got sufficient information to make a solid decision.
Overall, I find decision making incredibly stressful. If I am rushed I will ruminate for days after, about the "what if".
I have searched the archives and see no-one mentioning this, so could this be an aspect of my autism, or just my personality?
If it is an autistic traits has anyone got any pointers for reducing the stress?
Ice Swimmer said:I am very wary of new people and need 5 or 6 longish meetings before I can form an opinion. Studies say that for instance in a job interview the interviewer makes a decision within a minute or so.
Re-reading my message, I realised that I didn't highlight my real area of concern, which I have quoted above.
By not making more than the briefest of eye contact and looking away from people, and otherwise just not noticing, do I miss the cues that people use e.g. body language, small differences in facial expression etc. I also seem to misunderstand tone of voice.
I conflated this with decision making in general. I hear people say "I had this feeling about them" where I would say "They seem OK, thus far, but I reserve judgment."
out_of_step said: I need to assess ALL the detail before deciding
I feel that need too.
I think I am sometimes a Buridan's Ass
I like your approach to menu choices and spending time researching in relation to value (both monetary and personal).
I wonder if it's more about whether one is a top-down or bottom-up kind of thinker.
I don't know if it's an autistic thing. I don't feel particular "anxiety" over some decisions. I know I lack foresight. I think it's more that I need to assess ALL the detail before deciding. Because of this, I don't seem to ruminate or regret things like other people I know.
I'm trying more to go with the flow / gut instinct. For some choices I decide if it really matters or not. For small decisions like clothes, everything matches and I have one pair of general footwear. For eating out, once I've read the whole menu 500 times and whittled it down to 2 choices, I just pick one because whatever I choose is a treat and will probably be nice. If it's not I'll have forgotten about it by tomorrow. If i get distracted by other options after a decision, I am firm with myself and say "no I have made the decision now".
There's a lot of unecessary choice in the modern world. Have you heard of Buridan's Ass? The hypothetical donkey who starved because he couldn't decide which bale of hay to eat.
Ice Swimmer said:Overall, I find decision making incredibly stressful. If I am rushed I will ruminate for days after, about the "what if".
I totally get this, and I found a way to deal with it a long time ago.
Think of the thing you are researching. What is its value to you. Now work out how much time you are going to spend researching this item and decide if it is really worth the full research treatment.
From a number of years when I was time poor this worked great and I would only ever give the full research treatment to things I would use extensively (eg laptop).
For other stuff (shoes, clothes, kitchen stuff etc) I would go with brands with a great reputation for quality and get something that would endure while working well. It inevitably cost more but would be great to use for a long time.
For meal choices - I tend to know if I have a taste for something meaty, cheesy, exotic when I'm in the restaurant so this narrows the choices considerably. I can then eliminate anything I'm not a big fan of (eg anything doughy) and just pick the first on the list from what remains. The next trip I'll try the next on the list etc.
It is all about making executive decisions in a timely manner - eliminate the noise and then use a systemic process to chose from what remains.
Where it doesn't work is where I go to a restaurant with a cusisine that I don't know. For example I was in a Taiwanese restaurant yesterday and just ended up ordering half a dozen dishes with my partner so we could try the different styles of food.
Asking the staff for recommendatons is a good way to go in that sort of situation as they know more about the food than I did, and the lack of research was part of the experience. Later this month I have Peruvian and Chilean restaurants to try and I'll do the same again just to try to get out my comfort zone (I'm in AirBnB this month so won't be cooking much, hence all the eating out).
That's my approach anyway.
My neurotypical wife is very much like you, though having children speeded up her decision making process considerably, while I, a diagnosed autistic, tend to make decisions - especially trivial ones like what to eat in a restaurant - quite quickly. The number of times I have said, "It's only food" to my wife after her lengthy mulling over of menus! So, in my experience, it would appear to be a quirk of personality, not an intrinsic part of being autistic.