Published on 12, July, 2020
I could never understand why my mum never told us she loved us never hugged us, was often cruel to us. To this day at 94 years old and being cared for very well by my sisters, she is difficult. She is a good woman but often horrible. We have been kind and caring to her and it has been very difficult. In the 1960's she had a stay in a mental hospital, we were placed in care. She was very anxious. She has been particularly cruel to my brother. She has been very anxious, has poor social skills, and an be so direct it is offensive.
We needed her. Everything is now becoming clearer.
Now i think of it, we had a severely disabled cousin, his sister shows symptoms of autism, lacks social skills, isolation
Do you have an autistic parent? X
My father is an autistic parent and is a very warm and loving man.TBH I don't like the way you say she is cruel and has a history of it, that is a huge red flag. That sounds like my mother, but she was a narcissist and an abuser not autistic, the autism runs on my father's side of the family. He's also a survivor of her abuse and as an autistic parent he was not cold at all.I am an autistic parent and I hug my child every day because my dad was a good role model even if I only know what maternal love should look like based on the shape of the hole left in it's absence.Unfortunately people on the spectrum often attract narcissists and end up abused because we are so vuulnerable and teh way the abuser preys on us. Please be very careful not to diagnose other people without a professional, you can self identify autistic but you cannot claim someone you know is because you are not in their shoes to know how they think and it can be dangerous to tar autistic people like that. For example it was the opinion of a licensed professional that my mother is narcissistic even though they couldn't formally diagnose her without her participation (and that is a totally seperate long story about aspects of my life I don't think I need share here.)Anywa here's a load of vids on the topic. Because it sounds like you may have autistic family members (maybe even you yourself) who have fell victim to your mothers behaviour over the years if you have a cousin that shows traits of autism. It may be helpful to watch the vids and see if anything ressonates with your experiences and observations.That's not to say an autistic person cannot also be a narcissist or schizophrenic, but those are not automatically synonymous with autism and are also their own separate things. I think you may want to explore other possibilities, and then re-assess with the sisters caring for her once you have more information because a hasty misdiagnosis will be as useful as a chocolate teapot to everyone involved.
I've just watched the 1st of those videos.
Thank you for that.
My autistic friend who knew my mother, and is very knowledgable and who was once a psychiatric nurse, did originally say that he thought my mother might have/had Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I take on board that you say not to diagnose someone without a professional, but people haunted by their upbringing but who are ignorant of what caused a parent to behave as they did, may always want to find an answer, as I do.
Also, it wasn't just the upbringing, but my mother's behaviour towards me all my life, especially when I was her carer, that have me constantly agonising over this.
The video I watched described my mother to a 'T' but without quite a few additonal behaviours (including delusions), so I'm lost now, and it must always remain an unknown.
It couldn't have been known during her lifetime as she wouldn't seek medical help for anything and blamed her family for all her issues.
I do appreciate your input here and if the genetics are a high component in the likelihood of autism, and if my mother wasn't autistic, it's got me examining my father.
However, 2 or 3 conditions in one person aren't impossible, and might explain why she is the oddest person I have ever known.
I'm sorry to hear that and glad to hear that about your dad getting custody.
The more I think about my mum, the more I think that she probably/possibly had NPD.
There are so many things I could tell (+ I am aware that 'we shouldn't speak ill of the dead') but I will say that the numerous affairs she had, she thought were OK and she had the relationships with the full knowledge of my dad, and also took me out with one, which I found agonising.
I must stop there as although cathartic for me, it feels disrespectful, and others won't want to read.
Anyway, your input here has been invaluable, so thanks again.
This thread has really got me thinking again as my mother was manipulative, and I remember a very speicific incident where she said something hurtful to my dad (par for the course), pretended to be upset, turned around and I was in the doorway and saw her smile.
OMG I actually have a memory that is really similar. My mother chased my father through the house (Redacted bits because it's a bit too triggering).
Yes, I can see that, and appreciate the 'word of caution'.
(Trying not to quote on here any more so my posts aren't thrown out by the Spamometer).
No, I didn't read about your nan.
I'm glad it wasn't passed on to other family members.
This thread has really got me thinking again as my mother was manipulative, and I remember a very specific incident where she said something hurtful to my dad (par for the course), pretended to be upset, turned around and I was in the doorway and saw her smile.
I understand that, we don't always add the nuance that "*disclaimer this is highly suspected and not officially diagnosed" but I added the warning about the way we present that information because some things already have their own stigma and don't need to have the stigma of another condition thrown on top to confuse things. Especially considering the damaging history of misdiagnosis. It's not meant to discredit or dismiss anyones suspicions just to gently remind folks to be cautious and not make these conclusions too quickly just because we want or need a kind of closure.
Nah I get it, I'm at least a 5 card Royal flush of neurdivergences myself. Did you happen to catch my reply in another thread btw where I talked about my nan? She had quite a big scary co-occuring condition of epilepsy, but that's proven to have not been passed down to any of her nigh hundred of decendants thankfully. But that is why I said it's still possible OPs mum could still be autistic, but I feel the need to point out to people a lot these days that it's not a package deal. Because everyone I meet irl who finds ut I'm autistic hits me with but you don't also have ______ .